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Blood, sweat, and bruises...
June 08, 2004 ~ 1:00 AM
I realized that I have not seen my own blood for a long long time. A month even. Or more. Not counting the blood of my baby. Be proud of me. I am doing better than I should. I have to be stable for my sister. I'll only abandon her if I absolutely have to.
Zac came over tonight. He's one of the guys Jen brought to Six Flags with me, Matt, and Rough. Sweet kid. Real quiet. And we laughed. It feels good to laugh... but only for a second. And then the pain quietly envelopes me once again. At one point I gave him an awkward hug... and heard his heartbeat. I love normal heartbeats. I mentioned that and Zac was confused so I had to explain my heart murmur to him. Then Jen wanted to listen to my heart. She told me that it's way worse than it was before. That it used to be one normal beat then the two connected swishy/wheezy beats. Now it's just four swishy/wheezy beats. An old doctor of mine comes to mind. I was ten. They'd just looked at my heart and showed me the hole and stuff. They figured now I was old enough to understand why I go to the doctor to "take pictures" of my heart all the time. And he told me "When you are growing up, people are going to tell you that excersize is good for you. Remember that you are special and you have a special heart. Excersize is BAD for you. No matter what anyone tells you, remember that. I'm your heart doctor and I know." He told me about how to stay still and breathe good. And to not exert myself... like run too far or laugh too hard. He told me that if I don't listen to him and exert myself anyway I will NEED to stop when I start to sweat or breathe funny. I was good for a long while. I always remembered what he said. Excersize is bad for me. Then... iono... when I was reborn after loving/losing Noah... I guess I thought I was invincible. I went to the gym. Work out. Lose weight. To be healthy. Cuz yeah, excersize is good for me. Lol. Dammit. I prolly fucked myself over. I mean, heart murmur can't be fatal. Only if I exert myself too much. The actual problem itself is no threat... but the fact that I wanna lose weight and that includes more excersize... that bothers me more. I'm sure I'm fine, though. I'm invincible, remember? I just.. don't die. Well... In any case I still have 3 or 4 lives left so I'm not worried. So yeah... how do you go about losin tummy fat if you CAN'T exert yerself?!?! Imma do it anyway. I mean Jen hasn't listened to my heart for so long I dunno if she's even right about it gettin worse. She ain't no doctor. Jus worried me a lil tho... Cuz it's not crippling but heart murmur has always been something that made me even more of an outcast... not being able to do PE classes... jus sitting there and watching everyone cuz I needed to credits... that was a drag.
I still have bruises from when Matt came down last week. Can't believe it's been a week of terror and heartache. I have a bruise on my left ankle from when he hand-cuffed me {don't ask} and various bruises on my upper body from his delicious bites. Mmmm... he's so sexy. I can't wait to feel his body against mine again.
Friends... I guess when you're hurting and need ppl you find out who are real friends and who are friends jus cuz they can be. I have cai5fnatux and Madman and Tuttle and Jon and Nikki and Zac and K Stan and some random person who found my housing wanted ad on some site. People who might not necessarily be good friends but at least not been converted into hating/ignoring me by Matt. People who give a shit. People who care. People who don't want me to die. People who believe in love. I don't believe Matt that he slept with some other woman because I have too much faith in our love. Costa Rica is gonna kill me though.
I saw Josh Cook today... saw his dad for the first time in my life... It was weird. I've known Josh since 5th grade and just now met his father... Josh wanted to kiss me. And I backed up real quick and said "Whoa there". Haha. Matt did that to me once. Before we were dating... like our third meeting. We were at work at a game both in the back and he was near the door and I was gonna go out so I walked towards it and he was facing me and at that moment I've never wanted to kiss anyone so bad in my whole entire fucking life. He backed up... and said in his adorable accent "Whoa there, missy". Lol. How cute is that?!? Made me feel very very... rejected... and inadequate... but the kid turned tail and ran. Lol. He's so damned cute.
Rough was going off about self respect the other day. How he can't be my friend cuz I don't respect myself. And I don't respect others. Or something. But he's friends with Matt. And Matt can't keep a promise for shit. That's not respecting yourself or others. Your character is only as good as your word and your word is only as good as your drive. I am driven. My word is GOLD. I have an upstanding character. Matt breaking promises and not being true to his word... shows bad character and should not garner respect. And yet it gains Rough's respect. Like I said, some people just don't see things from every perspective. If I truly did not respect myself, I would not be fighting so fucking hard for what I believe in.
Cai5fnatux emailed me again. Told me a little about herself. She is my friend. And I appreciate her and I love her. I just don't know how comfortable she is with... iono... Most internet ppl are not open to becoming real life friends... it's like... you want my number? WHY!?! Lol. I'm a little shy to ask her. Usually if someone asks for your number online it means they wanna fuck u. No matter. I am still very grateful for her. She is the little smile I can now muster to hide my pain from my sister. My own personal rainbow.
I love Madman... kid I met through Matt... in a few years, he will have Noah status. As in... a kindred spirit and someone who really truly understands. A boy who understands, go figure. I have no doubt in my mind that Rough and Matt will not be able to "convert" him. I've been callin it converting. Lol. Makin ppl hate me. Converting them into believing certain things. I am very annoyed by people in the world who only see one side of a story. There is always more than one. And I understand Matt's. He doesn't understand mine. He's being rash. Anger and hatred should not be the answer. Me and him are very much in love. And for some weird reason, he's able to blind himself with anger. I have no doubt that he loves me. I just wish he'd realize how much I need him right now. And that even though the baby wasn't a baby to him... he should still be here for ME because it was our baby. I don't even need him to search for words of condolence... I just need his body against mine and me to be whole... because he truly is half of me. Not necessarily my better half but a half of me nonetheless.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....