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fragile disillusions
June 08, 2004 ~ 8:44 AM
The weather matches me. It was beautiful blue skies and bright shiny sun when Matt was down here. Weather got worse from then on. Next day was not so sunny. When Matt wasn't talking to me. When Matt started "hating" me, the weather was cloudy. Yesterday I was crying all day over Matt. Yesterday it drizzled. Today, I rediscover that all my positivity is all a huge farce. I walked outside and it was raining.
I realized something. I used to sleep a lot when I'm depressed. A whole lot. Like... bein with people fer a few hours [class, dorm, family] and then jus holin up n only waking up a few minutes to take a piss... but no eating, no drinking, still. I'd prolly sleep and/or cry more about 5/6 of my day away. And now, I haven't been able to sleep a wink cept last night. I think I know why. Pretending... is EXHAUSTING. I cried all day yesterday off and on while Jen was at school. And when I had to go pick her up I washed my face and steeled myself against reality. I don't want to make her sad. So I pretended everything is okay. SAME AS I USED TO. It's fucking exhausting and I'm not gonna lie to myself anymore and I'm not gonna lie to you. Fuck protecting Jen. It takes too much energy. I didn't want her to worry. But who cares, really? I can come off as perky but inside I am still DYING and the forced perkiness just goes to make me bitter. She knows Imma think about dying anyway. Even if I laugh and put a fake ass smile on my face. Cuz she's my sister. I mean, Matt told me to kill; myself even though I know he didn't mean it... it still runs through my head. It's been haunting me more so than my baby and I really need to talk to him but he won't pick up my calls and he doesn't call me. Really really hurts. Cuz he did say, that day, that he means it. I wish he'd stop being so angry and just listen to his heart. I do anything in my power to make him happy. I estranged ALL of my friends. I started eating animal. Ugh. Actually, I'm not gonna go into the list cuz it's gonna depress the fuck outta me. What do I ask of him? Not to go to Costa Rica. To keep his promises. Promised not to go to Costa. Promised he'd love me forever. Promised he'd never leave me. Promised he'd communicate. A few more. Unimportant. I love him. If he stuck a dirk in my chest I would forgive him. I'd worry about being able to tell him "I love you" one last time. This boy told me to go kill myself. Keeps repeating in my head. Or maybe it's not... I could jus be remembering all the times he said it. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm so heartbroken. And I am utterly exhausted. I am NOT gonna pretend anymore. I am not gonna try to tell myself or everyone else that I'm okay. Cuz I'm NOT.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....