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'Fucked If I Know' {poem} n then sum
June 23, 2003 ~ 12:21 AM
FUCKED IF I KNOW
the hurt. the anger. the hate. the pain.
the pain. the pain. the fucking pain.
overwhelming. soul consuming.
hurting. hurting. always hurting.
the lies. delusions. the tears. the love.
the love. the love. the fucking love.
throbbing. sobbing. violent shaking.
aching. aching. ceaseless aching.
the hope. the joy. the heart. the dream.
the dream. the dream. the shattered dream.
tripping. flying. falling. drowning.
drowning. drowning. still in love.
So Noah's birthday came and went. I can't sleep. I think Laura is back because I called Noah's house in Ojai and I think she picked up. I can't even sleep with 100 mg of Trazodone. First day of work monday. Someone is fucked. *raises hand* Happy birthday, Noah... happy birthday. I got a lot done with the cleaning the room thing. I finally got a light bulb so my desk light works again. Energy saving ligh bulb, wut wut. So of course it reminds me of Noah. I ate a peanut butter cookie today. Noah likes peanut butter cookies. Robbie was born in Glendale, so was Noah. Ugh. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING. God, Kat. Just shut the fuck up about Noah already. Please. I really don't know what I would have done today if Robbie hadn't been here. He spent the night last night. So did Matchew. {The one who used to live with Eric and Chelsea}. Robbie had wanted to get drunk. I wouldn't let myself get drunk. I wanted to, of course. But I didn't. I cleaned my room. Yeah, I'm really proud of myself for that, yo. I took Matt home in the morning. Robbie... I don't wanna break that boy's heart. I think he understands our relationship, though... Like Auriel understood. And Charlie understood. The only difference being the fact that I will only have sex with Auriel. I made Robbie cry today. We were sitting on my bed. I was thinking aloud about Noah. Just talking. Just my usual hopeless romantic super emo bullshit about Noah. And then I felt like crying so I got up and went to the computer... Yes, Noah, I'm still doing the distracting myself so I don't think too much thing. And while sitting at the computer I heard Robbie crying. I made him think about his ex gf. He loves her. And I understand. I tried my best to comfort him. And for some weird reason I didn't need to cry at all. I would give every single possesion that I own to have Noah again. I would sell my soul. And I like my soul a whole lot. He's... everything that matters to me. Nearing Noah's birthday... I want to die again. I want to more and more each day. There are just so many things. Everything annoys me now. I'm a total bitch to almost anyone. I use people. I know I do. At first it was subconcsious. But now I know. And I'm not gonna do anything about it. Robbie tells me that I am such a great person. I use him, too. Control... It gives me control. I had no control over Noah leaving me so I yearn for it now. I'm such a bitch. Even to those I love. And those people who love me still think that I'm such a wonderful person because compared to a lot of the fuckasses out there, I am a wonderful person. I try. God, I try so hard. It's not so hard with Robbie and Andy. There's just something about them. But people like Isaac, Tom, those losers online who IM me, Matt, Ricky, Auriel... sometimes I get annoyed for the littlest reason and I just want to bite their heads off. Smack them or something. Anything to inflict pain on them. I don't get it. Maybe all that bottled up violence is coming out. My spider hadn't had anything to eat cuz bugs are too big and rip apart his web. {my pet spider Kittie that came with the orchids that Isaac got me} So I decided to feed it. I grabbed a mosquito, pulled off each of it's legs, cut it's wings, and enjoyed it. I was watching an Animal Planet show one time and I saw a baby zebra get torn apart by a pack of lions. I thought it was funny. And to top it all off, I litter. TThis is Kat without her heart; without NNoah. This isn't me.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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