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"Do you know what it feels like being alone?" - Tyson Ritter
June 24, 2003 ~ 5:36 PM
How many fucking times must I die inside before I finally start remembering to take my Prozac on time? Am I even still alive? Maybe dying inside only counted that once when my heart was taken away. For surely I should be out of lives by now. I'm pretty sure I still have the four.
Work was lovely. Some of my superiors were jerks, assholes, jackasses, you name it. But there was one Supervisor guy who was really cool and he made my first day of work better. B.J. And one Maintenance guy who is spose to be a hardass but I think I'm winning him over. Aaron. And then there's this really sweet and cool Co-worker girl that I met in the employee lounge and then ended up working in the neighboring booth with who made the evening much more pleasant. Kim. She's Chinese. I like her. She speaks Cantonese, though. I don't know I think I no longer have a thing against Asian people anymore. I believe that is the only good that has come out of losing my heart. My grudge against Asian is held in my heart. I won't go into speaking about the people that I disliked. I want to give them a chance to redeem themselves before I talk shit in my diary.
Walking to the bus stop at 10:30 PM was very very scary. It was very dark. I don't really like the dark. I got hit on by random guys, which is okay when they are sitting in a car. But not when they are hanging out of their car as if they wanted to grab me and whisk me away. And not if they are following me and making lude comments. And not when they are standing on the sidewalk that I must walk past giving me that look... The rapist look. That look that was in Emilio's eyes when I lost my virginity, the last look I saw before I shut my eyes tight and stopped struggling and hoped it was all a nightmare. That look. And when there are a group of them. 4-6 people just ALL looking at me like that. No smiles, just the look in their eyes. Muttering some very suggestive comments and speaking to each other in Spanish which I understand about what they'd like to do to me. I almost cried. Then I got to Downtown and I wasn't so scared anymore.
While I was walking to Downtown a guy passed me on his bike and was just looking at me. I wasn't scared of him. He was alone, and skinny, and on a bike. Guys are very easy to fend off while they are on a bike; motorcycle or otherwise. Anyway. He was looking at me. And I smiled at him. And then he was gone around the corner. I didn't pay attention to anything when I turned the corner. I was just happy to be somewhere where there's more lights and more people. And then I walk past that guy. And he says hi. Something about his voice stopped me. I told him "Hi" and I asked him what's up. He was meeting his brother and his brother's friend. I'm gonna tell you what went on before I tell you what it was. His name is Cody and when he shook my hand as he introduced himself he held onto my hand and didn't let go of it until I got uncomfortable and pulled it away. It's hard to make me uncomfortable. I never get uncomfortable around guys anymore. Til last night, I guess. He asked me where I'm from. He's born and raised in SC and he lives by himself in Boulder Creek now. He's 26. He asked me my birthday. I told him. He answered me: "You're a Libra, maker of peace. I'm a scorpio, maker of chaos." He wishes he could buy me an ice cream cone cuz I wanted one. I'm on my Slimfast diet again. He had to go. He wanted a pen. He wanted my number. I thought about it. And told him I had no pen, mentally blocking out the image of the three pens clipped to the front pocket of the purse I was wearing. Softly and eagerly: "It's okay, I'll memorize it." I was surprised. I told him my number really fast {I do that a lot to guys who ask for my number and have no pen}. He repeated it to me perfectly. Whoa. I took out one of my pens. Handed it to him. He wrote my number on a piece of paper. I did not need to repeat my number to him. He had to go meet his brother. I wanted to go find ice-cream. Good bye. We shook again. He was loath to let go but I pulled away. The way he was speaking, the way his eyes refused to let go of mine, his tone of voice, his body language, his ... awe. It was love at first sight for him. I give him two days. He'll call me. He reads auras. Even if he doesn't know it. Because I felt him feeling mine. Love at first sight for him... or something of the ilk. For me, it was creepy. Very. Shocking, surprising, almost terrifying in intensity. Because I felt the intensity, but I was not a part of it. I would file him into the category of other random guys that hit on me, not with the creeps, but the ones that I never think anything of, except Cody saw love when he saw me. And I could see that so clearly that I almost forgot my heart was gone because another boy felt that way about me. Scared of his love. I admit it. I'm scared of being loved like that.
The Blue Lagoon was having a goth night. I met the most lovely woman. I think she is either bi or homo because she was developing such a crush on me. She bought me ice-cream. Mhmm. Woo! Cookies and cream. And we shared it. She's 33. Her name is Charlie. She's beautiful. I love her aura; I love her. She is 33. She's friends with one of the Santa Carla vampires. Alex was his name. He remembered me with Yoshi. Talked to her. I told a guy that I liked his hair. His name is Vincent but he wants to be called Vin. He's only 20 but he had a fake ID so he was in. He's kinda cute but he smokes cigarettes which automatically takes him out of the boys to date category. He got my phone number juss cuz of his hair, I think. He was asking for my ice-cream. Come to think of it, Cody tried to light a cigarette {nervous} and I ungraciously told him not to light it. He put it away. I told Vin to go "over there" to smoke his cig and then come back to talk to me when he's done. He left. And came back. No points. Lol. Well, maybe like 5. Good stuff.
I'm not gonna talk about the Mexican guys at the bus stop. I'm not gonna think about them ever again.
I was singing on the bus and almost missed my stop.
I thought about Noah a whole lot. I miss him a whole lot. He's still my heart. He's still my everything. That's a whole lot.
Got home. I really like Andy. I like how he smiles at me now when he sees me and it makes me feel it's good to be home. It makes me feel welcome and it's a good thing to come home to. He played Mario on the Game Cube he just got. I don't think I could ever plat that game. It looks so hard to control. I miss Super Nintendo. 'm gonna try it, though. Andy didn't get it for him. He got it for all of us. I wish I had money so I can buy things for the household. We are thinking of getting a hamster. I will be very happy if we get one. I think we'll let Linda have the honor of naming it because she is the ultimate hamster fan. I wanted Andy to watch a movie with me... I really did not want to be alone because I was thinking about Noah too much and I felt so lonely. But it was too late and so I sought reprieve in AIM. I'm hungry. I think I'll go get a Slimfast though it requires getting dressed.
I called Trent Kitty and we talked on the telephone for hours and then it was morning and the birds were singing. I didn't want to be alone and he didn't leave me alone. He didn't ever want to leave me; I did not do anything to make him stay because he wanted to stay. I like him a whole lot. He has got a beautiful personality. And he supposedly has long hair. Pretty? I want to meet him. And he says that we'll go to San Francisco together when he gets a car. That will be my first time not going to San Francisco with Noah. And yet I want to go with him. Make new San Fran memories. Right? It won't erase my memories with NOah. I hope that when we do that, I do not cry. Because I don't want to ruin the trip for him. I don't want him to feel bad for taking me to SF. To the wonderful memories I have with Noah John Dekkers.
I miss Noah.
Robbie gave me a scare today. I read his messages to me while I was away. And he was wanting to die. He's okay now. He shouldn't scare me like that. I keep forgetting that some people do say things like that but don't mean it and don't really go off and try to kill themselves. Not everyone is as emotionally unstable as I. Good thing, too.
I think if I meet Tyson Ritter I would fall in love with him and stop hurting over Noah. I love him already. He is gorgeous and I like his hair. I love his lyrics and I like his voice. And the fact that he said that he played bass to get into the band and he had no idea how to play bass so he went out and bought a bass and stayed in until he could play it like a pro. Things like that... I love.
I want sheets for my bed.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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