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Fucked up inside. Gr, Kat. GR!!!
July 02, 2003 ~ 10:06 PM
Did I not say that I was going to stop calling Trent Kitty? To let him call me in stead? Why did I try to call him for the 6th time tonight just now? Not like he ever picks up so it doesn't even fucking matter. I'm pathetic. And I worry about him. So much that I sent Vin on his way so that I could call Trent Kitty without feeling guilty. So I wouldn't get drunk and do something that I'd regret. Cuz I almost always do when I'm drunk: do something that I regret later on. I feel like crying again. You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna call Trent Kitty again at 11 and if he doesn't pick up {as usual} I'm gonna go eat my Twix ice cream fuck diets and promises and hope. I hate myself. I can't control my own emotions. I can't control the way that I feel. Shitness. Ugh!!! Trent Kitty called me today while I was at work and told me that he hurt himself. CUT his hand and had to go to the hospital. Couldn't come over. Shit. I felt so sick to my stomach. Just knowing that he hurt himself. I didn't know if he really did or not. Or if he did it on purpose or not. I didn't really know anything for sure. What I do know is that I felt absolutely like I needed to throw up when the customers came and I had to smile and be friendly and perky and nice and helpful and witty and funny and all that shit that comes naturally to me... I had to force it all. And all the time I was counting out change and congratulating and making small talk I was thinking about Trent Kitty and whether or not he'll be alright or if he juss pretended to hurt his hand so he wouldn't have to see me... Shit like that. Thinking of Trent Kitty. Even when I was clocking out and talking to BJ and meeting up with Vin... I was thinking of Trent Kitty... When I got a few minutes to myself earlier when Vin left the first thing I did was call Trent Kitty... I shouldn't fucking care that much. He's not Noah. I'm not Trent's mother. I'm not his girlfriend. I wish I could just turn back time all the way back to when I was happy and just not have to deal with any of this shit right now... all this post-Noah shit. My emotions are so out of whack. I feel them but I disagree with them. And they juss end up pissing me the fuck off. And then I attack other people and lash out and shit and I HATE IT. I hate the person that I am. I wish that Noah could see how much he's fucked me up. And how hard I'm trying to go on despite the fact. I wish that Noah could get a fucking clue and get back here into my arms where he belongs. I wish that I could just out and tell Isaac how much he fucked me up inside instead of putting up this brave front of how well I'm doing when god damn it hurt like fucking hell when he did what he did. I wish that Zach could see women as something more than just objects and see that I could be so much more than a booty call instead of fucking me up inside. I wish that Brandon could understand where I'm coming from and forgive me for never calling him again instead of fucking me up inside. I wish Trent... could move here with me so I wouldn't have to be thinking about him all the fucking time because I'll have him. And stop fucking me up inside.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....