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If you can't be with the one you love; love the one you're with.
July 07, 2003 ~ 12:49 AM
It's okay. It really is. I'm fine. I didn't think that Trent Kitty would call, anyway. I don't think it matters as much as it should... only cuz I found Emmitt. He's nice... I didn't think that Trent would call. But you know me... Kept my phone right next to me all fucking day. Waiting waiting waiting. Just in bed waiting for my phone to ring. Pathetic. I got really depressed... cuz you know, that happens... and so I got hella tired. And I started back into bed... Holding my cell phone. And my home phone rings. Hope gathered in my chest. "Hello?" "Hi can I speak to Kat?" Hope flew away to San Jose. But on the phone is Emmitt. That one kid that I see all the time, everywhere I go. The one that I finally introduced myself to on the bus a few weeks ago. And he called. He's good for me. He'll help me get over Trent Kitty who has obviously lost interest in me or never had any interest in me. Hold me while I'm hurting. It's good to be in someone's arms again and know that they care. Not the way that Andy cares... not like an older brother... like a lover. I like him. Maybe I'm trying to hard to make the pain go away. I'm looking for anyone with open arms cuz the people I'm in love with have their arms crossed over their chests. Stupid Noah. Stupid Trent. Fuck them. Fuck love. FUCK LOVE. Emmitt's pretty fucking awesome. He's got cute hair. He doesn't smoke. He likes to write. He likes to draw... pastels and charcoal. He plays guitar. He lives up on campus. Third year. He's 20. He's pretty good looking. Got a sweet smile. He's also got a girlfriend. But she's breaking up with him to study abroad in Spain. His girlfriend of almost a year. Poor guy. I'll take her place soon enough. Ease his pain. Hoping he erases mine. Am I using him? Prolly. But I can definitely learn to love him. I'm so desperate. I just want the pain to stop. You know? And fate sent Emmitt to me. Emmitt's really sweet. I don't think he'd fuck me over like Trent did. He won't hurt my feelings. He won't break my heart cuz it's not really there. But he can't ever make me feel that way that Trent Kitty makes me feel... almost like the way that Noah used to make me feel. There's a huge difference between loving and being in love. I can definitely love Emmitt. But I'm in love with Trent Kitty. I wish that I could just shake him and make him realize that we can make it work because I'm in love with him and love always wins, doesn't it? I don't know. He just doesn't care. He doesn't even wanna meet me. You have no idea how much I cried. And I cannot believe how mean he is. He might as well flip me off and point a gun at me head. Any how he's real good at making me feel like shit and hurting my feelings. I fucking hate unconditional love. Cuz even though I'm trying to be angry at him... trying to get over him... trying to stop hurting because of him... if he called me right now and asked, I'd drive over there to get him. Even if I hafta work tomorrow for 8-10 hours. Even if it means that Andy will get pissed at me. Even if it'll kill my chances with Emmitt. Eesh. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm such a loser. I need to take my Prozac. I know that Trent is obviously playing with me. As if I need any more emotional trauma. Severely depressed and on 60 mg of Prozac. Good stuff, huh... Good stuff. Emmitt deserves me more than Trent Kitty does. So why do I still wish for Kitty to call? Why do I wish that he'd invite me over. Why do I wish to hear him say "I love you" again. Why do I wanna feel him in my arms and taste him on my lips? Even as he viscioulsy stabs my hope and my confidence. Somewhere inside, my soul whispers: "buh bye, kitty kitty..."
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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