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fucking drama
July 21, 2003 ~ 2:36 AM
Drama with Emmett. Drama with Matt. I had enough things to think about. I didn't even DRINK cuz to think clearly? I don't know. So much drama was on my mind that I didn't even wanna get drunk. And so the love of my life decides to unblock me. Of course I jump to IM him. I've got an alert for him. Ring ring. Same one as before like when we were dating. I never use the tone for anyone else. Ever. So yeah. Mother fucker. Noah has shitty timing. Or great timing. Depends on yer opinion. I forgot someone. I care about Greg's feeligns. I love him. I care about a lot of peoples' feelings. I love a lot of people. I just feel like I don't. Because it's not the love that I used to give with my heart. This love just comes from Kat. My mind. I care about people's feelings... sometimes. Usually not at all, though. Heh. Iono. I'm just... jaded. I don't even know. Because of this, I'll prolly sleep tomorrow away. Maybe won't wake up til the night time. I'll prolly stand up Emmett. He'll prolly reject me anyway. I hope Noah is putting up a front and is actually in a whole lot of fucking pain right now. Fucker. So I mind fucked him. Real nice how he elaborated on that so I KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG. Fuck. I can't do this. I was doing so good!!! I can't let Noah drag my ass back down again. Into my depression. I can't. My room will get even messier. My mood will get lower. I'll get NOTHING done cuz I'll sleep tomorrow away. Shiet. You know what? We won't have any of this. Fuck Noah. Noah sucks, remember? He doesn't deserve to have this much affect on me. He's my heart. I do love him... but I'll fall in love again. I always land on my feet. I'm a cat. I don't need anyone except for myself. I'm gonna clean my room. {No small feat} I'm gonna clean it all tonight. Right now. I won't sleep until it's neat. And I'll sleep when I'm done. But I'll set my alarm. And wake up in 6 hours. And meet Emmett. Even though it'll prolly be more rejection. Which will be good cuz Matt won't get hurt. Though I will. I think I'd rather I get hurt than Matt. Emmett is confused. Doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He wants to talk about it. With me. Why me? I could be happy with him. I will be happy with Matt. I won't ever be with Noah again. So I might as well look for joy elsewhere? Look for love elsewhere? Emmett was with that girl for a year. He doesn't love her. Matt... well... LOL. He won't know what the fuck love is for a long long time, lucky kid. I don't know. I need to be loved. Whatever I'm doing for myself right now. It's coming from me. But you know what? I'd like someone to hold my hand while I do it. I don't want their help. Just emotional support. I don't know. So that, in case I slip... there will be something called love there to fall into so the impact on my feet is not so harsh. Just cuz I always land on my feet... doesn't mean I don't have sore paws for a few days. I don't miss Noah anymore. Lol. This means. I can think about other things. Duh. OMG. This is awesome. Yeah... Wait for him to come back to me. Fuck that. I'm leaving.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....