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*buries myself alive on the inside*
July 26, 2004 ~ 9:10 AM
If he doesn't come to me with an apology. And maybe a dozen fucking roses or something. It's over. I will be DONE.
I'd die for this kid. But not go insane for him. I said I'd never give up on him as long as I live. but the path I must take is apparent. If the boy who loves me more than anyone else in the whole world does not appreciate me and does not want me, who am I to expect anyone to?
I'm not suicidal right now. But if I'd died right now I'd welcome it. I've already given up on calling him. Of seeing him. The girl with all that crazy faith in love. Has lost faith. I don't believe in Love anymore. I mean, sure, I know me and Matt are in love. BUt it obviously doesn't mean jack shit to him. So why should it mean jack shit to me. I'm still disgusted by the thought of being with anyone else. And my heart will always be true to him. I'll never cheat on him until the day I die. But I'll leave him alone. I am not strong enough to keep trying. I'm the only one who's trying to make this work right now. I can't do it for the both of us. He doesn't need to beg me to get me back. But if the next words out of his mouth have nothing to do with "I'm sorry", I'm over it. It needs to come from him. I've lost faith and I'm not gonna try anymore. If he gets me back again I'm just gonna take his shit. No more trying to communicate. No more trying to help him grow up. It's gotta be him. I'm not gonna be the only one trying for the both of us. Ever again. I'm not fucking strong enough to do that. He can try if he wants. If he doesn't, then I guess this perfect love is over. And I guess I'm never gonna have sex again. Or sleep well again. Or get married. Or have kids. I won't ever be able to close my eyes near him, intoxicated by his scent and punch drunk with love. *shrugs* It's worth it. I won't ever hurt again. Just an eternity of nothingness and inexistence. If I was the only girl left in the world with all this devotion and love and faith in love, then my kind is extinct. Cuz I don't give a shit anymore. Sure this hurts. But once this is done there'll be NOTHING. And nothingness is better than ... anything at all.
All Quiet
Friends come and go. But love lasts forever.
If this wasn't love then I won't find love. Ever.
All wondered how much more abuse I could take.
Zilch. Zero. None. I have lost faith. I break.
Without ever lifting a hand against me,
He's bruised and he's broken, mutilated me.
If even true love cannot stand all Matt's shit,
Then damn love to hell this just isn't worth it.
I won't love again. I've lost faith. I am DONE.
Cuz I know this lil punk ass bitch is the one.
If you think that this is about dignity- don't.
But if you expect me to beg- sorry, won't.
My faith in love is what always kept me strong
I've lost faith and with it, my diginity's gone.
The battlefield surrounding my white flag is littered
With Matt's broken promises soaked in tears cold and bitter.
Today I lost all faith, and later in retrospect
I'll remember today cuz I lost ALL SELF RESPECT.
The casualties of war list is dear and entire:
Heart, mind, soul, faith, strength, love burned in the fire.
Send all the men back home to their faithful wives.
But this warm empty body will be buried alive.
This war is over, I give up; spread the word.
All I have left is to stand up; catch that bird.
Dressed all in black please set free one white dove
And onto my gravestone etch in: "Died for love".
Interesting. And then I was talking to Madman and I said something REALLY fucked up. About Matt. And when I reread it. It shocked the fuck outta me. I can't believe I typed that. My whole life was based on my faith in love. And I've lost my faith in love. Hmmm... I'm not the same person anymore. Imagine the Pope realizing his beloved god does not exist. That's me. I feel nothing but an achey pain. I feel love for Matt. But I no longer have any faith in love. Did you feel the earth move? It did. Lemme try to explain how bad this is. If I caught a bird right now, and sometimes I do, I'd break it's neck. If I had a shot gun I'd go up to UCSC and take aim at the deer. I don't have any respect for myself anymore. Nor do I have respect for anything else anymore. My faith in love defined me. Not Matt. I have neither now. And I really don't give a shit. I'm not sure if I want him back. If there's no such thing as true love what's the point? Misery will result. And who wants that. It's sorta refreshing. Not wanting him back anymore. Liberating. I still hurt like fuck. And sure, I'm not gonna stop loving him. But hey I'm ok. I might take him back. But if he doesn't want me oh well.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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