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away message...
August 09, 2003 ~ 1:07 AM
i am going to try to sleep now... i hope that matt comes tomorrow morning... it will make me very happy. matt makes me very happy. i wonder why that such a small little boy can make such a huge impact on my life. he's just so... average... i mean, his name is matt, he's on the football team, he has his own car, he's blonde with green eyes, he's got a bit of acne goin on, his teeth are straight enough, he eats animals... there is nothing particularly noticable about him. he is so very mediocre. and yet. he is so amazing. he's captured my very soul. if noah were to come back asking my hand in marriage i would have to flip him off... i mean... i dunno. noah hurt me a whole lot. even as we loved each other more than humanly possible for the two people we were. matt doesn't hurt me. he can't hurt me. he's just a kid. like if a five year old told me that i'm ugly, that would not hurt my feelings. i sorta just... cooperate... and soothe more than anything. just something to deal with, you know? i had many parents ask me tonight while i worked at casino redemption BY MYSELF cuz Maya who was "working" with me liked to disappear a whole lot. like for HOURS. anywho the parents wondered how i could be so cheerful and perky with so much commotion and stress bombarding me... my answer? love. i don't know if it had any affect on those disgruntled, tired, and frustrated parents... but i can keep smiling that genuine smile because i LOVE the children that are driving everyone else crazy. love can do a whole lot of things. it can make a job much much easier. i don't know what that has to do with matt. maybe because he can do no wrong, he can never wrong me. which leaves me this wonderful safety net. matt knows he's this safety net. and he knows that i love him in addition... he wants to be with me. he knows like everything about me and he still wants to be with me... he forgives me for everything... so unconditional- much like the love i dish out to others who DON'T return in like. i'm his first real relationship. and it isn't even a real relationship... i'm not confused... i know i want to be with him because he makes me so happy... i just wonder sometimes if there is more for me out there. someone else. someone who is more perfect for me. more compatible with me. i mean, me and matt have known each other for about two months and all we can only come up with 12 things that we have in common or think alike. and most of them are extremely trivial. the adoration we have for each other is illogical to say the least. maybe tis simply physical attraction. but then... why does he make me warm inside?
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....