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damn... people... and life... and me
October 01, 2003 ~ 8:41 PM
I'm in a really bad mood now. I dunno why. I was fine earlier. I was good tonight. Cute boy with nice hair and I did not try to seduce him. Lol. I didn't really wanna. He's nice, though. Good good aura. Good kid. I'm leavin soon. House full of stoners. Chris and Brant and Nate and Steve {the cute one}, Jeremy, and new person Zach. Met this girl today who blew my mind. Full blown lesbian. Danielle. Her sister's name is Jen. Jen is straight. They were both good people. Jen has been through what I'm going through with Noah. She did it for 3 years. Expected loyalty with no commitment. Control. The leash. Manipulation using love. It's different. I have to tell myself that. Because it is. Me and Noah will figure shit out. I feel sick to my stomach. Was watching a movie called Pi. Seemed good. It made me upset enough to... fall asleep. Pass out. That borderline narcoleptic shit that I do. I don't remember it now. Or what disturbed me. That's the first time I did that in a long time. I'm gonna go take a shot of... something. Maybe a bit of everything. I also feel sick cuz I ate gelatin. I did NOT know that gelatin is in sour cream. No more sour creme. Good. That shit is horrible for ya. As I explain my situation with Noah... I know it's not right. But god damn... I can't even begin to desribe that kind of love that me and Noah have. I believe that me and NOah can overcome anything. And if not, then true love really is just a myth. I wish he'd be my boyfriend. I wish he'd want to marry me. I wish he'd stop with the double-standard with the "you can't kiss other ppl for fun but I can". That's just... not fair. I have a lot of pain. And a bitterness I can't desribe. I'll be gone before my and Stephanie's bday. I'd wanted to drink with her tonight. Then go to flow. But... she didn't want to. She wanted to spend time with Jeremy instead. She spends time with him EVERYDAY. That makes me want to cry. I hope I NEVER put Noah above my friends. Especially if... I dunno... if they're leaving, you know? I love her... but she reminds me of the person I used to be. And I see a lot in her that I'd hated in myself. I still feel like crying. I'll go take my shots. And hope that I feel better. The longer I stay here doing nothing, the more I'm hating Santa Cruz. Oh I juss thunk of the feeling I have. You know how after you blow up a big ass balloon, you get that feeling like you never have enough oxygen even though you're breathing perfectly fine? That's how I feel right now. Like I just blew up the biggest balloon in the world and that feeling is just THERE. Sorta dizzy and lightheaded and awful.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....