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"I don't understand why you didn't give up on him sooner" - Matt
October 13, 2003 ~ 5:08 AM
So the noah thing. He "gave me one more chance". And expected me to be psychic. Or something. Now he doesn't think its real love. I think he's being an irrational idiot. Apparently, he doesn't want me again... And neglected to tell me so... But instead very... Um... Anyhow he wrote it in his AIM profile for me to read. I had just sent him some IMs like I love you or something like that and then I read his profile and it's sayin "So the kat thing. Gave her one more chance. She didn't choose it. I don't think its real love. Took me a while?quot; so I decided to very spitefully make this particular moment and entry public... instead of writing in my hand-written journal. Anywho I assume he's "over" me again. Gah. Nice of him to tell ME, huh? Chance to do WHAT? So here's the story: I moved back down to LA yesterday. 10-11-03. At about... 6 AM Noah calls me. And I tell him I'm here in LA. {oh shit, I kept telling ppl I called him but in fact he's the one who called me} And so we've talked before bout how I wanted to give him a hug when I got down here. And so I asked him if I could go and give him a hug. He asked me what I wanted. And I sed I wanted to go and give him a hug but COULD I. Just in case he wanted to go to bed/had something to do/whatever. And he was all like "do you WANT to come?" and like duh I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't. Anywho I realized that it was like... Iono too early. It was still dark and the sun wasn't up and I don't have my glasses and I juss got put back onto my parents' insurance for the car so I didn't wanna fuck up at ALL. Anywho... I was unable to go at that moment. So I told him that. And I asked him if I could go later on in the day when the sun was up. And he said NO. Cuz he needed to study. Er... Okay... I'd just wanted to drop by and say hello and give him a hug and I woulda been outta his hair. And I wasn't even asking him to come here... him with his issues about mutuality and shit I was gonna go THERE. But yeah. "No, Kat" ... but... you juss sed I could a minute ago. "No, Kat" Okay... why... Something about it woulda been yes if I'da gone then, at that moment, risking wutevers etc {I'm not suicidal at ALL anymore, mind you; I was not gonna drive to somewhere I've never driven to before IN THE DARK without my glasses} but I couldn't go in like... three hours. So he told me I knew why. And I didn't. So I asked him "Why?" and he wouldn't tell me. So I kept asking him to explain it to me. And um... yeah eventually he hung up on me. Sorta? "But why-" [cuts me off]"Good night, bye *click*" So I cried. Because... I STILL didn't know why he doesn't want a hug from me at 9A but will accept one at 6A. Cried myself to sleep. {At least I slept =P} Got up... took Jen to mall... went to Arcadia to pick up dad's plane tix for China. Thought a whole fucking lot about why the fuck Noah can be such a jerk sometimes... I mean... What is he THINKING. He isn't a jerk on purpose. He has a reason. And he's just... Doing what makes sense by him. It woulda been nice to have gotten an explanation, though... Reasonless rejection is hard when the love of your life is the one dishing it out. I talked to Matt a bit. He's okay I guess... He misses me... That was to be expected. Darling boy still thinks that he's not gonna hook up/have sex/fall in love with anyone else. That just isn't gonna happen. Meh. After we got back from the mall we went apartment hunting. At some point Noah calls me again. He still wouldn't tell me why with the rejection... turns out he didn't study at all either... so I asked if I could go then cuz he wasn't studying anyway. Still no. More rejection. Still wouldn't gimme a reason why it started as yes and suddenly became no. Maybe I should try again right now it's 6A again. Shit. He gets pissed off at me cuz I wanna know WHY and he doesn't feel like telling me so he leaves again "I gotta go, bye. *click*" Whatever. Didn't cry this time... be proud! It hurt. That guy can be so fucking irrational. And unfair. He ALWAYS makes me tell him everything... even if it doesn't really have much to do with him. His reason for not wanting to see me... that has A LOT to do with me... and he gets upset cuz I wanna know. What the fuck. If he ever starts talking to me again... {lol} I'm not gonna tell him ANYTHING I don't want to anymore. I mean, he doesn't do it for me. I can pull hissy fits, too... And what's with this oh I gave her a chance and she didn't chose it bullshit. I didn't know I was given a choice between whatevers. Ugh. Testing me and I didn't even get to learn how I did on his test. I had to read it on his fucking AIM profile. "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not" There's still a whole lotta petals left on this fucking flower. He's got his reasons for doing what he does. I just wish he'd TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS HEAD. Instead of just pretending that I'm smart or psychic and just KNOW. Like I told my journal last night... I am not gonna actively pursue any relationship with Noah anymore. I can't keep up with his mood swings and PMSing bullshit. I don't feel like there's a point in my trying/hurting/agonizing if he's not even gonna make the effort half the time. He spends half our relationship coming up with reasons to give up on me. Sometimes I feel like every thing he does is an attempt to make me do a certain something he wants me to do.... like every single thing he says is a test as with every question and every silent period. He's all about choice but there's a certain choice he wants me to make and if I don't make the right choice he gets all butt hurt. I mean... I love him so much... and I NEVER gave up on him. I always had faith in our love. But god it's so hard. He is working on it. He is. He's working on his issues. But "No Kat, I don't wanna see you for at least this week. Please respect that" hurts like a BITCH. It's not demanding too much. It's not rude; in fact he's VERY polite and he did say it very gently. But he still doesn't give me a REASON why he doesn't wanna see me. And he tells me I know what he's talking about and I know what he means. And I DON'T. I WANT TO. Does he enjoy making me feel like an idiot? It just makes me doubt myself and get annoyed and upset and lash out. It's so hard... It's so much that I feel like I might even be able to get over him again. I was trying to explain to Greg tonight my loves for Matt and Noah. I know if I go anywhere near Noah... it'll all come rushing back. And when I think of him... there's all this pain but underneath it all there's an endless love. A love that Noah doesn't think is real. That's his dealio. And I'll deal. A Boca burger is delicious with or without a slice of cheese. I just happen to LOVE cheese. But life is still great without. Actually, I think I could live without Noah easier than I could live without cheese. I've done the former and I've yet to even imagine attempting the latter. So after that lil incident I continued apartment hunting {yay for not going home and crying over what an incredibly weird person I'm in love with} and I saw Josh Cook with Nate Bryant. It's funny... that Nate is SO much attracted to me. I wouldn't even go for him if I were interested in going for anyone. Did that make sense? Lol. I just haven't felt like being with anyone cept Noah {and ?maybe? Matt} but even if I WERE dating around again... Nate would not have a chance. He's good looking, sure. I've known that. For a while. He's one of those guys that I used to admire from afar. Lol. He actually... has the audacity... to flirt with me... after having reacted to the fact we've gone to the same school for four years with "Whoa. Did you SERIOUSLY go to GHS, too?" I mean... I saw you everyday for four years of high school... The first three years, okay... understandable... no one knew I existed... but senior year? When I was talking to one of your BEST FRIENDS all the fucking time? I have been WITH Josh when he'd spoken to Nate.... Nate would just... ignore the fact that Josh was standing next to me... We were even introduced at least 3 times. COME ON. He honestly does not remember me at all. He thought Josh was JOKING about me having gone to the same school. And now... he seems to have a thing for me. How... ugh. I sorta wanna smack him. Josh is being his usual illegal self. Lol. Fucking some 16 year old... Still his sweet-talking, make-you-feel-like-the-center-of-the-universe self. Eesh. Lol... Telling me how much he LOVES me. Whatevers. Saw Jake Wills tonight at Josh's... HE initially didn't remember me either... Denied knowing me, in fact. But he's better than Nate cuz he actually did end up remembering.... only cuz he copied my homework so many times and had borrowed money from me a few times. {I'm not gonna see that money ever again.} Go Jake. Nate on the other hand. HA! So yeah... I ditched all the people who used to, in high school, think I'm a loser to hang out with someone who ... has always liked me. Yay Greg! Dear lord that boy got HOTT. He grew out his hair, dyed it jet black, and bleached a little strip in the front. Acne is gone for the most part. Not as thin anymore. He wears non-baggy jeans. *grin* He's still my wonderfully shy Greg. I can't wait to finally see his band play! I dunno when that's gonna be, but man, when it happens... I'm SO there. Me and him went to a movie. We saw School or Rock which pretty much did rock. And then he took me back to Josh's around 12ish cuz I'd left my Softlips and my Love's lighter there... I was convinced to stay and chill a little bit. And then I fell asleep. Lol. Oops. No one bothered to wake my ass up. So when I woke up on my own it was like... 4:30+ AM. And I walked my ass home. And this is the first time since I've been here that I've seen the computer free so I decided to take advantage. My parents are gonna KILL me they'd wanted me home by 12. Hahaha.... Yeah... trying to give me a curfew... SHEIT. Imma check email and Friendster and try to go to sleep. I wish... Meh. I want Noah to come around. Cuz I think that me and Noah have something hella amazing. Love before him and love after him just cannot compare with Noah love. Too different. There's just something there.... People wonder all the time why I crawl back to him... beg him to take me back... I don't think I crawl... maybe a little begging... but yeah... did it occur to them that I WOULDN'T go to such lengths to be with him if it wasn't worth a whole fucking lot to me? And in the end... I still won't give up on love. When he's ready to have me again... I'll have him. Pathetic little Kat, I know... Don't feel sorry for me. Please don't. Noah is a great person. Me and him have a love so amazing that even my terrified-of-getting-hurt-ass will put me on the line over and over again for it. It hurts him, too. He never hurts me unless I do something to hurt him first. Sometimes, though... he hurts for reasons that don't exist... his own paranoia hurts him. I think mine is starting to get the better of me. Is paranoia contagious? I know insecurity and fear are.
Hanging out with Greg was a joy. But I have a feeling I will NOT be doing a whole lot of that from now on. I love Charlie still, of course, but there's that whole wanting to lose his virginity to me thing... Eep! Greg is such a doll. He's even shyer than MATT. Haha. Me and Greg talk about anything and everything. He's one of those guys that make you wonder why the fuck he's single. Cept you know it's cuz he's shy. Hundreds of girls out there are questioning the existence of guys like Greg. He's definitely good conversation. Not quite what I get from Charlie, but it's good. I make it sound like I'm replacing someone. Or two people... or maybe three... but really I still love Matt to death and if he were down here I'd hang out with him 24/7 and of course I'll still hang out with Charlie juss prolly not so often. Brutal rejection can do things to a friendship. I wonder what affect it'll have on my and Aaron's friendship if we're ever to see each other again.... =/ I got to pet Greg's pretty hair and the great thing is, he's known me forever so he KNOWS I juss love his hair and I'm not hitting on him. I'm officially allergic to my CAT now. Sad!!!! Yeah... so... I dunno.... Life is.... interesting to say the least. I'm not pissed.... I'm sort sad... I do miss Matt.... I also miss other people up there, too.... I did something tonight that I don't think I'll forgive myself for. I tried to force myself to believe that I'm not in love with Matt or Noah. It made me feel like crap. Awful. Sorta sick to my stomach. And in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. But when it comes down to it. I don't want to replace Matt. I don't want to replace Noah. I lied to myself... I'd almost convinced myself. But it was WRONG. And when all is said and done. I wish I were back in Santa Cruz spending every day with Matt. And I almost wish Noah had never come back. But anyway- Here's the agenda.... Find an apartment. Settle in. FIND FEMALE FRIENDS!!! =P Stop thinking about Noah. Stop missing Matt. Don't fall in love with Greg. GET GLASSES. Learn to not let things GET to me/Learn to get over things. Stomp all over/take
And Matt, if you read this, I don't understand why I didn't give up on Noah sooner, either. I really should have. The first time he broke my heart. I miss you, Matt. Can't wait to see you.
So yeah, Noah. Here's my PUBLIC and brutally BIASED diary entry. Think whatever you wanna think... I'll always have a place for you in my heart. Spite is what happens when you lose faith/give up/don't hold your end. I'm sorry. There is, however, no anger. There might not be love either.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....