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Dammit all to the Nine Hells- why am I not studying for Chem?!?!
December 03, 2002 ~ 3:35 PM
Cuz I just read Noah's diary. Of course. First thing I check when I get out of bed- the personal thoughts of the boy I love. Now I can't concentrate on the physical states of matter... Entirely my fault. Anyway. He doesn't seem to believe that I can do the commitment thing. He's wrong about me on that. When I have a boyfriend, no matter how it is that he's treating me, I personally give him my all. Loving is what I do best. I could see myself with Noah and only Noah for a long long time. That's why I'm so picky about prospective boyfriends. There is so much on the line in that. Basically, I have to be able to trust him with everything I am. Peter asked me last night why I couldn't have been his girlfriend... I just couldn't see myself with him and only him. I love him but there isn't that devotion that I need to have a boyfriend. I love Noah much much more than he thinks I do. I'm just being cautious. My heart is already in pieces... I can't afford to get it broken again, it'll be dust in the wind. What if I can't stay up here? I'll prolly never see him again. You know how much that will hurt? I've decided that I won't pursue him until after I am positive that I can be near him all the freaking time cuz that's what I want. To be with him always. It feels so good to just have his presence in my room. =) Der. I'm so retarded. He thinks he's not good enough? Ha. He's too good. I'm scared cuz I'm already willing to give up everything for him. And that can't happen right now. I actually considered cancelling on Jaeson. Even though I've always wanted to go to Florida... I couldn't do that. I do want to see Jaeson. He's been so much to me. He's such a great friend and always with the emotional support; calling me from Florida when he gets worried about me. I can't give up everything for Noah just yet. I'm not even sure if I'm gonna stay up here. I may go back down to LA. I just got a call from the housing office. Prolly gonna evict me, huh? I wouldn't be surprised. I can't give up everything until I know that I have everything to give to Noah. Once that is certain, I'll have nothing against telling all my other "boys" goodbye. But for now, I need those relationships with other guys cuz they keep me sane. I can't have a real relationship with Noah at this point in my life simply because there are only "if"s and no "when"s. Nothing is certain right now. Silly boy thinks he's not good enough. Hurts my feelings that he thinks he loves me more than I love him. Well, I guess that just means he loves me a whole lot cuz I love him more than he thinks. Meh. Yeah, it's 3:58 and I hafta go fail my final now. So much for last minute cramming. I had other things going through my head. You know what? This is why I had to drop those other classes. Damn personal problems causing my academic problems. *Noah- I love you more than you can ever imagine. I just don't want my heart to get stomped on... I'm trying to be rational. By the way.. I'm wearing ur gray sweater cuz it smells like you. Heh. Makes me happy. Hey, I know I'm a dork. Shut up. I love you, Noah.*
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....