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::heavy sigh::
December 03, 2002 ~ 3:14 AM
I just really don't know anymore. I've already hurt him. Already. I don't want to hurt him. I love him so much. That's the last thing I wanted to do. But I have. I do. Just because I've slept with other guys. Because I'm going to have sex with Jaeson. Because I'm going to be living with Abel for a week. Because I'm prolly gonna live with Joe for a week. That hurts him. The things I'm going to be doing during winter break hurt him. The things that I've done in the past hurt him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. But what can I really do about it? I have no where else to stay during winter break. Everything has been mapped out. I want to just let him go... but I can't. It's not like me to let go of love when I actually do find it. We all know how hard I tried to hold onto Andrew... That didn't work. It never does. I never end up with the guy that I want. I never end up with the one I love and the one I truly want to be with. I settle for less because I have no choice. And being utterly alone is not a choice. Noah kissed me. Quick kiss on the mouth. I didn't know what hit me. To make me stop taking Aderol. I didn't know he was really gonna do it. So now I'm gonna hafta pull an all-nighter without the aid of amphetamines. Durn. It was really nice though. Chaste, but it was contact. Shocking. Amazing. I'm finally getting somewhere and now I have doubts. Do I really wanna get there? I wanna hold him and never let him go. But then there's the chance that he will forcefully shove me away. That would tear me apart. I can't take that right now. I can't take the pain and I can barely stand this constant fear I have. Fear of getting hurt; fear of hurting him. Just a fear of pain in general. I don't need anymore pain. It's killing me inside and I need to get better now. Not get worse. I don't even know if I'll be good for him. I could end up being detrimental to his emotional well-being. I don't want to darken his aura in any way. He's already got underlying pain and anger clouding his aura. Another thing is I don't want to affect his life with my problems. That was horrible syntax. Lemme try that again: I don't want my problems to affect his life. Thank you. Yeah. I know I'm a basket case. Tonight, I introduced Stephanie to Noah and Peter. We all kicked it in my room and socialized. I was sitting at my desk. Peter was standing near my bed. Noah was lying on my bed. Stephanie was lying on there with him. Suddenly, I was hit with this sensation of utter desolation. I had people surrounding me and I felt totally alone. Stephanie wants Noah by the way. Lol. I don't see why that bothers me but it does. ::gasp:: No. It can't be. Is Kat actually... {dramatic pause} jealous?!?! Lol. I hope not. I shouldn't let it bother me. Grrr. It does. Annoyingly, it does. Yeah. But it was really weird. I just suddenly felt so alone. Peter felt it. He could tell something was wrong. Noah and Steph were too busy talking to notice anything, thank goodness. Peter will notice things though. He's really attune to my emotions even when I hide them. It's cuz we've slept together I think. There's always gonna be that closeness. Peter wants me and Noah to get together. He's thrilled that I'm actually considering a guy who will treat me right. Peter's only known the guys that are simply friends with benefits. He's never met any of the guys that I actually go for and care about and love. Any of them would treat me right if only they would give me a chance. But they won't. Those guys never do. Always something. "I just don't want a relationship right now." "I'm getting back with my ex soon." "I'm too busy to have a relationship." "I don't think you are ready for a relationship." etc etc. All that crap n stuff. Noah mentioned something in his diary about how I'm so perfect... I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny. My quote "No one is perfect until you fall in love with them. Then, they are perfect for you." would apply here I think. Heh. Peter even knows that Noah loves me. Peter can see that I am totally falling for Noah. I'm actually trying to be cautious. I don't wanna fall so deep that I can't pull myself back out if he decides suddenly that he's still in love with Jen and runs back to her or something. I don't want to hurt him; I don't want to hurt him; I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt this beautiful boy who I'm falling so in love with. He's leaving a collection of things in my room. I've got his glasses and two sweaters now. Meh. Maybe he doesn't love me. He doesn't care about my opinions at all. If he did, I wouldn't always be upset about something so insanely trivial as his hair cut. If he liked me, wouldn't he not cut his hair cuz he knows I love it so much? Maybe that's just too logical for him. Something so simple makes me happy. Seeing the gold flash in his hair. Petting it. Seeing him smile. That makes me happy. I'm shivering right now. Chills going through my body. I'm so cold. Not really. I just feel so so alone. I don't know why. Peter is on my bed. I think he plans on staying the night. I wouldn't mind. Someone to hold me. That's nice of him. I love him for it. Yet, I can't help but wish it were Noah waiting for me on my bed instead.
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