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Grrr Noah. GRR!
December 16, 2002 ~ 1:04 AM
Noah still wants to know what it is that I promised Peter two days ago. I still wouldn't tell him. He got upset. {Of course, we all knew that was coming} He made a request. That I try to communicate to him better. I don't get what that really has to do with communication. It's just something that I don't want him to know... you know? He should respect that. But he says that we don't communicate well. That he doesn't want this relationship if I don't communicate better. Basically, he seems to be using that {our relationship} to get me to change. That may or may not be true. {Thanks, Jaeson, you've got me all paranoid bout the manipulative thing}. I don't think he's doing it on purpose. It's just that, he wants to know everything that's in my mind. I'm really open. But the thing is, I don't complain. He's basically complaining that I don't complain enough. So he basically told me that this relationship can only work if I undo something that was beaten into me for 17 years. That is, not to complain. Or not to complain aloud anyway. I really am trying. I am. I'm telling him my feelings and we do communicate and we do talk. He sez that all we do is have sex. And he sez that we never cuddle. So why is it that I remember talking to him and working stuff out{communicating}? Why do I remember the times I've spent cuddling with him{I cherish those moments}? He's got a bad memory but not that bad. It could hardly be worse than my own memory and I remember cuddling and I remember communicating. I usually just let the guy have it their way, I don't even have an opinion usually. I'm so impassive. Even if I do I usually don't say. Cuz it makes me happy if he's happy. I just wanna make him happy. I don't know if we have communication problems but I can hardly compare my relationship with Noah to that with my parents. So I am trying. And I guess he didn't see that until tonight. For 17 years I wasn't allowed to complain; even if I did no one cared. I can't just one day decide that "Okay, I'm just gonna forget about my whole childhood discipline and be someone else now", it doesn't work like that. I wish, for Noah, that it would work like that. But life sucks like that. If you've been trained to be one way for so long it's hard to change that. It's been ingraved into my psyche. I'm gonna stop complaining now. {See? I can easily complain to my diary cuz I can still pretend that no one hears my complaints. So I won't be reprimanded and I don't expect any results} I've decided to tell Noah what I promised Peter. [I still say you tricked me by the way, Peter. Grr.] I was feeling realy low. I had missed my Prozac or had taken it late... anyway it was severely affecting my emotional state. I was missing Noah. I was thinking too much. And stressing too much about 'what if he leaves me' and 'what if he's with Jen right now' and 'what would I do if he ever left me' and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him cuz it just feels so right. {I still feel this way, mind you. I still want to spend the rest of my life by his side, in his arms, and in his heart} Anyway... Peter came in to talk and I told him that I was worried what would happen if Noah left me. I couldn't see life without him. I didn't want to. I confessed to Peter that if Noah left me, if I got my heart broken once again, that I'd probably kill myself. Life isn't worth living without love. I was vulnerable that night. And too overly emotional. And completely irrational... And slightly suicidal. I scared Peter. He comforted me of course. And told me how much he loved me. It made me feel a lot better. The promise that I made to him was that I would never leave him. I promised Peter that I'd never leave him. I had meant that I wouldn't leave him like in the literal sense. That I would always be his friend. He meant for me to never kill myself. He knows that I don't ever break a promise. I was tricked. =P So I basically promised Peter that I won't kill myself even if Noah does break up with me. Now that I think of it though, I have broken a promise before. Noah made me. I had promised Jaeson that I would go to Florida for sure during winter break. And I broke that promise. I had to choose between Jaeson or Noah. I am in love with Noah. I had no choice, really. So hey, what's another broken promise right? [Yes, Peter, I'll try to take my Prozac on time from now on. I actually missed it again today. =P I've been feeling down.] I think that this was the first time that Noah has made me cry. Whoa. And he didn't even have to break my heart to do it; he just had to threaten to break my heart. Okay, someone has a lot of power over me. {And it's no longer my parents, thankyouverymuch}
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