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Durned insomnia.
December 20, 2002 ~ 10:20 PM
I can't sleep at night. Like I'll kinda doze off, then snap myself out of it. I reach out for Noah. Lol. Funny. {sarcasm; I really don't find it humorous} Cuz he's not there when I reach out. And then I get this cold panicky feeling inside. Then I realize that he's up in Mammoth, and tell myself that he loves me but I still have that lonely cold feeling inside. And then I can't get back to sleep. So I'm just up and awake and thinking forever until I hear my sister's alarm go off at six for her to get ready for school. I get up and eat something or brush my teeth; then I pass out cuz I'm so exhausted and sleep til my sister gets out of school. Sheesh. I don't know what it is with me. I especially don't feel safe here under the same roof as my parents. With Noah sleeping in the living room the other night at least I knew he was close by. My parents haven't given me any reason to fear them... yet. My mom yelled at me today. I don't remember about what though. I miss Noah and his warm body next to mine at night. I'll have to get used to sleeping without him though{I think}. Cuz he doesn't like sleeping with me. Or he can't sleep or something. I sleep so much better with him by my side and he doesn't sleep well with me. I hope that I can weasel my way into his bed or convince him to sleep with me a few times out of the week at least. Sleep is such a great thing to have. We can prolly compromise. Or he can learn to sleep with me. I doubt I could learn to sleep alone... ever. It just has never worked for me. There's this fear and lonliness and iono. I could prolly learn to live with it. Meh. I was talking to some homeless guy today named Barry. He was nice but kinda scary. He took my hand to shake it and then he wouldn't let it go. Like I was trying to pull my hand away but he kept on holding. Lol. He's a cool person though. Just lonely. I know how that feels. He likes cats and birds and he feeds them. 49 years old he told me. Almost 50 and he's living out on the streets. Sadness. Makes me sad. I wish I had a million dollars to spare cuz I woulda given it to him. Merry Christmas, you know? He told me I was the most beautiful of god's creatures. What's with homeless ppl hitting on me anyway? That happened in SC, too. I guess I need to stop being so nice to bums. We went and saw May and Hank and Gramma and Grampa today in Old Town Pasadena. We painted pottery type stuff at this place called Color Me Mine. I painted a big bowl/cup thing so I can eat cereal out of it. It's really cute I painted little flowers inside it with purple background and outside I sponged it with red, purple, then blue. I like it. It needs to be fired and then we can get it in a few days. Yay. I can't wait to eat cereal out of it! Then after that all eight of us went to Norms to eat dinner. Cream of Broccolli soup.. mmmm. Apple Pie a la mode... mmmm. Salad... mmm. lol. It was good. I decided on the car ride home that I most definitely missed Noah way a lot. I just wanted to hear his voice so I called him. I left a message and he called me back a little later. It was so good to hear him. I know I miss him.. but not really, cuz I know I'll see him soon enough. And I know he loves me. And he's in my heart. It's just makes me wanna hug him though, not seeing him for so long. I swear I love him more each day just thinking about him. I'm such a lost cause. I miss Peter too. I wonder when I'll see him again. Not til next school year, I'm sure. =( Ah wellz. I finally called Abel tonight. He wasn't home. Lol. Of course. Friday night. Of course he isn't home. It was nice to talk to his mother again though. She likes me so much. Lol. I don't understand why. I think it's when I talked to her. I swear I've talked to her over the phone more than I've talked to Abel on the phone. It's weird when I talk to Noah on the phone. I really don't like it. But I never had a problem talking to Abel on the phone. We'd talk til sunrise some nights. I miss those days. I doubt me and Abel would have anything to talk about now. I think I look forward to seeing Abel again even though I'm kinda a little scared. Not really. I just don't want him to be mad at me. I still wanna be good friends with him. He used to mean so much to me and my heart was so torn but I know for sure that Noah is my soulmate. And nothing will be able to keep me from happiness and true love. Wow. I'm sounding like a romance novelist again. Lol. I'm reading Emma by Jane Austen right now. I've read it before. Dunno why I'm reading it again. Dangit, I wish I woulda remembered my Chem book. Noah has it with him up in Mammoth. Grrr!! I really was gonna study that, too. I need to. Meh. Hey I get to see Stephanie tomorrow. We're gonna go see the STUN and Hoobastank concert with Jenupa. I can't wait. That'll be so awesome, man. Oh at dinner tonight, I was going through Noah's phone book changing his entry names. Like "NICK CELL" into "Nick's cell" and when we got to Jen. I put "Jen's cellie" in place of "JEN CELL". And I mentioned that 'Hey, Noah still has his ex-girlfriend's number in here' and I was changing "JEN HOME" to "Jen (home)"; I got done with "Jen" and May took it and wrote "sucks @$$". Lol. So now it sez "Jen sucks @$$" in Noah's phone for Jen's house. How mean. Lol. It wasn't me, I swear! But I kept it in there cuz it's funny. May's all "well if he complains then just say well May just assumed that Jen sucks at money" Lol. My Aunt is a dork. She's cool though. It's so bizarre that she's already 31. I remember when we met her before her and Hank were married and she was like 26. They've been married a while, huh. It doesn't even seem that long. I still think that I'm gonna marry Noah someday. Too bad for all the boys who want me, I'm sure. I don't regret it for a second. I'm glad to have Noah. I love him more than anything in the world, including my cat. Don't tell my cat though. Lol. Well yeah, I'm off to check email. Toodaloo!
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