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"One day..."
January 11, 2003 ~ 3:23 AM
"One day, you will love someone, really love someone. They will love you at first but then they will realize how selfish you are, how self centered and inconsiderate. They will learn to hate you. You will be alone forever." ~Vivian Ho 2001
Wow. I finally hafta admit that mother dearest was right. Noah just told me today that I am really selfish. They are both right of course. Gosh, I can never win. People tell me that I'm too altruistic that I should learn to be more selfish. Saying things like "You gotta look out fer number one, right?" I easily counter that with "What if I don't believe I'm number one?" Not the point. Anywho. What I get from taking my friends' advice is Noah being upset with me and accusing me of being selfish. It's not my fault that I wanted to spend more time with him, is it? I'm a very clingy person I think. I should stop. I mean, how many times has he complained already about how overly affectionate I am and how I'm always around? You'd think that I'd get the point already. I needed him to throw it in my face to really get it. {I wanna cuss at myself so bad right now. It's disgusting how much I hate myself} Dammit. My mom's right about another thing. I just don't know when to stop. I never do. I always have to learn it the hard way and then I'm upset and the other person is upset and if that other person just happens to be the person that I'm in love with it makes me even more upset. Gosh. I love him so much. He's not sleeping with me tonight. He's asleep already. I'm sure of it. I am gonna stop being selfish. No more begging him to sleep with me either. That's very selfish. Cuz when he sleeps with me he doesn't sleep well. I'd rather not sleep then. I am so cold right now. I can't stop shaking. I'm starting to cry. I don't even really know why. I was having a really fun time earlier. I put make-up on Steve and then dressed him up in my leopard print coat and my leopard print skirt. It was so hilarious. Why is it that nothing seems important anymore. If I slit my wrist right now, no one would even know that anything is wrong until someone comes to find me in the morning. And in any case they would just think I was sleeping. I feel so alone. And empty. I feel so so empty. I promised Noah I wouldn't cut anymore. But then, he promised me he wouldn't cut his hair or grow out a beard. He's growing out a beard. I don't really mind. It's just a preference. I wonder if I'd die if I jumped out my window... or if I'd just hurt myself. I really wouldn't mind dying right now. Peter sez that I'm different. I don't understand why. He says that he doesn't know me anymore. I dunno. That made me feel really empty. When he left, last human contact, I felt my heart drop. I almost ran after him. He forgot his book and Brad's hat. I had a reason. But then I could hardly say: "Hey, you wanna sleep with me tonight? I'd greatly appreciate feeling loved and not alone." I couldn't do that to Peter. And Noah would have gotten mad. Wait. He's already mad at me. I don't understand him. At one moment he'll be shoving me away cuz he needs to study. Then he socializes. And he expects me not to be hurt. Here's the scenario. I tell Noah I miss him already after we go our seperate ways after dinner. This is on AIM. Blah blah blah for a while. Then he tells me that he'll come up and read here if I turn off my computer. My computer was off in under 20 seconds. He doesn't come immediately so I start my computer back up to run ScanDisk. It still does the freeze up thing. How annoying. =P Anyway he comes up. We mess around a little then I leave him alone so he can study. Guess what. Two seconds and he's like "I just can't study with you here." He ups and leaves the room. He wasn't even gonna try! I was gonna start cleaning my room so he can get to his reading but no, he had to leave and stuff. Gr. Yeah so I continue cleaning and a bit later I go to bring him glasses and my flannel. And I bring Steve up cuz he was bored and hungry. {You know what? I could be telling this all wrong cuz I don't really remember the events in chronological order.} Anywho. I put make-up on Steve. It was so fun. I went down to Noah's room to get his camera cuz mine didn't have film {I found film as I was cleaning, YAY} and I wanted to take a pic of Steve. I just wanted to get in and out cuz I didn't wanna bother Noah too much from his precious studying. {I totally know where his priorities are. None of them are at me} He gets kinda annoyed cuz he didn't wanna let me use it I think {who's being selfish? j/k} Anywho, I wanted him to see Steve though so I tried to get him to come up with me. Oh no, he wouldn't have any of that. All gr and pissy and "I'm not going anywhere". I give up. I decided to bring Steve to Noah, so that he could just see him and then get back to his studying... since it was so important and all. Mhmm. Noah saw Steve. He thought it was so funny that he decided to leave his text book for about an hour. And then, when he finally notices that I'm upset, he wonders why I'm upset. Why is it though, that my wanting to be with him is selfish {cuz he wants to study} when almost anything else is okay to distract him. Steve is in the room with him and he still tries to study. They talk and he doesn't really complain. I just wanted him to be near me. Okay. I'm selfish. Sure, but he is too then. He always does that. I hafta go read. I hafta go study. Blah blah blah. Go away, I need to do this and I can't have you bother me. But oh, it's okay for anything and everyone else to bother me. Just not you, Kat. Durn. I finally stopped crying and now I am again. GR! And the thing was that I was gonna try and be quiet and not bother him while he was in my room. Cuz I know he's trying to study. Doesn't matter to him, I'm sure. He's prolly just sick of me or something. Which is why it's 4 o'clock and I'm alone. When I kept telling myself that I don't need anyone... I was lying. I obviously do. I am dying inside right now. Just the fact that he didn't even come up to say goodnight. Made me sad. OMG Marcus was drunk again. That guy is so weird. He generally hates me and gives me dirty looks, but hey when he's drunk, he ends up in my room. What a loser. Next door neighbor no less. He had just come back and I had just gotten up from floor 1. He starts talking to me. I could tell he was messed up from just his eyes and his demeanor. Then he spoke and the breath was just like whoa. Iono. Anyway, he did the whole trying to convince me that I don't have a boyfriend and stuff. Lol. Like that was gonna work. People underestimate my fidelity. Even when I'm not in love, if I have a boyfriend, he will not be cheated on. Having a boyfriend is something very very special to me even though my past ones have been crappy as all hell. And I happen to be in love with the boyfriend that I have now. Poor Marcus, he didn't have a chance. I've decided that I don't like Marcus. This whole two-faced thing. ::shudders:: weird. Everyone thinks he's so sweet. They've never said no to having sex with him before. Yeah. I was so relieved when Eric knocked on my door. Then Steve. Then Marcus finally got the point that he wasn't gonna get anywhere near me. And he left. Wow that made me so happy you have no idea. Yeah. Then Peter came. And Steve left. And Eric left. And then Peter left. Now it's just me, my diary and my pretty little exacto knife. I am so cold. And I'm wearing Noah's gray sweater. I'm tired. Exhausted. Not enough though. I need to be too tired to even dream... which isn't gonna happen soon. Unless I cry myself to sleep. And I'm working on stopping the tears again. I got way too sloppy last quarter. Crying left and right. Gonna get back to my usual holding back the tears self. I can't afford to lose any more tears to my little demons. I need to save them for worthy things like say Noah hurting me and breaking my heart little by little. He does so good at mending my heart... but he does tend to drop it at times... and it just breaks more. Four steps forward, 3 steps back. I am going to continue cleaning my room. I think that I'm too tired to cut myself now anyway. So I'll just clean until like say... 6 something. Then I'll be too tired to dream. No nightmares. Yay. Which means, of course, that I will sleep til about noon. Which means Peter was right. I guess I just was still hoping deep inside that I would feel Noah's arms around me when I slept tonight. Wishful wishful thinking, Kitty Kat. This is what you get for doing everything wrong. Why is it that my room still doesn't look anywhere near clean? I don't get it!!! I feel so abandoned... or forsakened. I'm just so alone. And it's so cold. Maybe I do have the energy to cut. And I'll start keeping back tears tomorrow. I'll let myself cry my eyes out tonight.
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