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Ten steps back.
January 14, 2003 ~ 2:52 AM
And right when my throat was clearing up, I lose my voice again. I have decided, that it's not working. I'm tired of being selfish and thinking of myself. =P I give up. I'm just gonna be passive Kat again. It takes too much energy trying to get what I want from other people. I'll just leave things be and shut up about personal wants. I've got everything I need. I've got food and water and shelter and warmth and Noah (love, stability, support, understanding, compassion) and good health. Why do I fret about things that I want? It's completely unecessary and stuff. So why do I suddenly hate life again. I do not know. I can hardly become emotionless, but I need to let things go. Noah is right. I can't get everything I want. I have everything I need so I need to stop complaining. It's possible for me not to care, and to let go. I did it so often. I don't know when it was that I became egoistic and started taking instead of just giving. From now on, compromise. No more taking. And it's not gonna be only giving anymore, I've learned that I cannot live like that. I will give and recieve whatever is offered. No more taking though. If Noah gives me an inch I will humbly except that inch. Because little by little, I'll collect more and I'll get a foot anyway. I have forever with him. Why not cuz the conflict out of this picture. There will be a hole in the picture but no one will miss it. I didn't like going for what I want anyway. Cuz it just made me feel selfish and when I got what I want I felt horrible. It was fun while it lasted though, letting that selfish side of my out to play. But it didn't play well with Noah. He needs his personal space more than anything. {I can quote him on that} I'll give him whatever he wants. I was right in the first place. It just didn't work for all my past boyfriends. Noah's different. He's got his life together. I won't be the one to take it apart. I'll just be exactly what he wants. I'll give my opinion only if he asks for it. And if he doesn't like it, I won't press it. No conflict, no pain. Just the impassivity that I once epitomized. I can do it again. I'm so happy for Noah. He got the ACE job. So he's gonna be my co-leader and teach us Chemistry. The sucky thing is that he won't let me tell anyone that he's my boyfriend. Werd. Christa knows cuz I think I told her when she asked why I had a purple application (which was Noah's) and both Eddie and Pamela know because they live on my floor and they just know. So yeah. =P Oh and someone else knows. I think her name was Maryanne or something. Cuz she told me that she sees me around with my boyfriend. Yeah. I'm excited about that. Cuz I'll be in lecture with him and I'll be in ACE with him and I'll go to Bioethics with him every tuesday and thursday. Yay. I'm wondering why I have so much food. Steve keeps on coming in here to get food. And Noah does too now. I feel so used. =[ jk. Nah. I love them. I love Noah. Steve is kinda creeping me out. He's always hitting on me and it's just disturbing cuz he'll do it with Noah in the room! {Noah's not looking, though} I know Steve is just kidding but he's isn't stopping and it's sorta wiggin me out, you know? He says things like "You are so hot." And "I'll keep you warm tonight" when he found out earlier that Noah wasn't gonna sleep with me tonight. And he told me that he would win me over by the end of this quarter. He sees that Noah "doesn't appreciate me" and that he would be "so much better to me" and stuff like that. I mean he's a good person and he's so funny and I most definitely love him but it just gets disturbing cuz he doesn't stop. Like, the joke is never gonna be over. Noah thinks that Steve is serious... but I don't. Only because Steve should know more than anyone how much I love Noah. We're always talking and stuff in the room cuz Noah's never there and we chill. We talk about his girlfriend and this new girl he's dating and whether or not he should admit to his girlfriend of 4 years that he never loved her romantically and that he just wanted to love her as a friend. And then of course we talk about Noah. Cuz that's my love story, you know? Mhmm. I'm gonna go to bed now. Nitey nite.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....