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Depressing...
January 23, 2003 ~ 9:59 PM
As I continue to disappoint myself... I can't help but hate myself more and more. Last night was wonderful. Noah was in my room doing his work. Eventually, he sorta finished and then we had the most incredible sex. It was so sweet... I can't even really explain it. And trying to would not do it justice. There was just so much freaking love involved in it. It was beautiful. {I'm in Noah's room right now. He's talking to his sister on the cellie. He just randomly came over and kissed me on the head. For some weird reason I'm happier...} Anyway. Noah had me promise that no matter what I would make him go to class this morning. Cuz he couldn't afford to miss it. I don't know what happened... but I didn't. It made me feel like such a horrible girlfriend. So now we know that he can't count on me. Dammit. That is the last thing I want but I guess it's true, right? Slept at about four this morning. Woke up at about 7. I thought about waking Noah up to go to class, but he looked so damned adorable that I couldn't bear to wake him up just yet. I just snuggled next to him and absorbed the yumminess that is his presence. I guess I fell asleep again. Dave squattage. {Dag nabit, dangit, or anything else to that effect.} I finally woke up again on my own without the aid of an alarm at like 8:23. Yeah. Making Noah hella late for his class. He missed it. Noah left about 8:30 ish. I was so upset with myself. To know that he couldn't count on me. And why? Cuz I thought he looked to cute sleeping to wake him up... Hmm.. I felt like such a horrible girlfriend. So it came, he told me that no more sleeping together. {Well how about sleeping together but just not so damned late?} After my midterm sed my love. And I didn't even complain. My punishment. Yes? Rightly so. I don't have to punish myself at all... I would have anyway. It makes me happy though that Noah is still putting in the effort, that he still slept with me, two nights in a row. Lovely wonderful boy. Yeah after he left... I sorta just conked out today. I was so freaking disappointed in myself again. I had slept through all of my classes!!! Sucks! I can't believe that I did that. You'd think that I would do better than that. After nearly killing myself though, it's hard to come back and do what I need to do. It's surreal even. Two nights ago, I expected to cease existing. And I didn't. I fell even more in love with my boyfriend. I can't stand to look at my homework... I feel as if I shouldn't even be here. Like a ghost. That's what I felt like today as I was lying in bed I think... A ghost of my former self. The Kat that needed to do homework and go to classes and be there for her boyfriend and her friends. The Kat that had to BE. And now I just feel lost. Chelsea is going to give me some of her Prozac. Dear girl. She's always gonna be here for me. She changed so much from when we were drinking buddies. Wow. Having gotten to know her better, I think I love her even more. She really is a good friend. She seemed like she was on the wrong path... now she's found her true path. And she's becoming the good person that she can. I saw in her aura that she was a great person even though she wasn't so much on the surface. I remember when I first met her... I didn't know what the hell to make of her. Andrew Catalano hated her to no end. If only he could see her now. I'll bet he'll like her much more. Noah likes them better now too. We ate dinner with them last night. And he told me that he likes them better. It's good. They are good persons. ::sigh:: I can't wait to be normal again. People take normalcy for granted I believe. Reacting to things the way they should or want to or usually do. Normal reactions. Without my Prozac... I'm so damned overly emotional. It drives me crazy cuz I'll hate myself for reacting the way I do but I just still do it... Weird. Ew. Sucks. Gr. Chelsea's gonna give me sleeping pills too. Yay. I'll be able to sleep! Huzzah. I am much thankful for her. Today was okay after that {I love Noah so so so much...} whole hating myself thing and staying in bed. Cuz I got to eat with Peter and Crane and Brad and Carolyn and the guy that I saw in the laundry room who Noah sed could be my future husband. His name is Rick and turns out he knows Brad and them. He's a nice person. After that... Andrew and Colin were eating so I got to talk to them. Colin and Andrew were actually talking about the flipbook that Andrew had made in his Indian Music class. Lol. Colin's doing okay. He's loving all of his classes and all. Andrew was telling me how boring Bioethics was {as was Brad actually} so I didn't feel too bad about missing the class. I still totally regret missing ACE though. That was sucky. Eh... Then I saw wonderful Daniel. He finished my apple juice for me so I could go find Noah. {I'd lost him somehow, I thought he was with me.. iono. Meh. He thought I left him and I thot he left me. Lol.} He's wonderful. He actually saw me this time. He usually has this thing where he doesn't even see me til I'm poking him. Lol. When I hugged Andrew, he told me that I smell good. For some weird reason that cheered me up a lot. Cuz I thot I was really stinky. {No shower... ew...} So yeah. Lol. I started back and I saw Justin. He was talking about how he could tell that Noah was a novice by the way he was hitting the bong that other night. Lol. We just talked for a while but I told him I was cold and I wasn't gonna invite him into my room so he let me go. And then Noah. =] He left to talk to his sister on the tele. Michelle came and we talked for a while. I really like her. She's a real sweet girl. She reminds me kinda of Alex Baron. Then she left and Peter came in to talk a while later. {Actually, I remember now that when Peter came to get me for food before, we were talking about Scott. Peter hates Scott now. Isn't that weird? Noah doesn't even hate him. Lol. Peter was going on about how much of an ass Scott is and how he doesn't know anything. I just think he's trying to protect someone who doesn't need protecting in the least. Iono. I can't say he's an ass... only cuz I don't think I call many people that anyway and he seems to care about me so much. Even if it is a little overboard and overbearing and altogether much too melodramatic. Peter can go on and think he's an ass for me then. Lol. He's too worried of me to even think that of him... He just cares. He doesn't know what he's talking about though. He's seeing phantoms.} And then Chrissy came in to look for Steve and we started talking to her. And then Noah came back and talked to all of us. Socializing made me feel more alive and that I'm supposed to be here, less like a ghost suck in the material plane... So I feel much better now. And I'm gonna kiss Noah. =D
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....