Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Damn goddit. January 28, 2003 ~ 7:33 PM Eesh. I was SO happy when I was coming home today after eating dinner with Lori who was the guest speaker tonight for Bioethics. Ethics of animal research. The class was so fun and the dinner was even funner. I'm so glad I was there. Lori is a wonderful person. Guess who was at the dinner with me? Brenden. That guy who's a really great dancer... I crashed on someones floor with him one night at Stevenson. He's a good guy. He actually remembered me and asked why I never visit Stevenson anymore. =] I saw Keith, too. He was in the Cowell dining hall... {he does, after all, live at Cowell}. It was weird to see him again... he's the one that I met at the Halloween party but ended up ditching for a guy with nicer hair who date-raped me. Right... Anyway... I was in the best mood as I was coming back to College Ten... knock on Noah's door... Gawd, my heart plummeted. He looked so... that look he gets... dammit... blank. He's talking to Jen online right now as I type. It used to scare me that she could affect his mood as much as she does without even being a part of his life but being only a memory... Yeah... I slept at 7 this morning. Needless to say, I didn't go get my car. Napped til I had to get up for Math. Then decided that I coudln't. Mhmm. I was talking to Jen all night. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful and spirited this girl is... She's no longer a ghost that I fear is lurking about... She's this real person who actually cares about, of all things, me. I am very upset that I listened to Noah and didn't get a hold of her/contact her sooner... Respecting his wishes so to say. But last night, Noah read my diary entry about what Jen wrote on the back of a picture of her... and he totally flipped out. I honestly did not think she would care. But he did that thing he does... not even caring what else might be possible. He went on and on about my needing to respect Jen's privacy and that it's so rude to quote someone without their permission. So, even though it just made him even more pissed, I went and I emailed her. She IMed me that night when I came back to my room. Noah was actually the one sitting at my computer doing something. He saw the IM pop up. I know that Noah just didn't want me talking to her to protect her... and he wouldn't listen when I suggested maybe she didn't need his protection or want it. I can honestly say that I love her. She is so much like me. She's forgiven me for the pain that I've caused. I couldn't ask for anything more than to be her friend. I know that Noah may get in the way of any friendship I may have with her but I'm hoping that it will pass. There's just something about her. She makes me believe in people. She made Noah realize what a jealous freak {lol} he is cuz he knew that he would have never been able to do what Jen was doing if he were in her place. She's like me in that way, forgiving. I would have forgiven her if our roles were switched.. but she's stronger than me because I would still have been dying inside for the love I lost. I would have still been in love with a boy who had found someone new. Albeit I wouldn't have done a thing about my own love, I would have still been hurting. She seems to have completely moved on and is simply looking out for me... She sees a trend appearing in Noah's relationship with me that can be paralleled with his with her. All I can do is hope that Noah will learn from his past mistakes and learn to be... iono... better. He wrote a little note for me on an index card. Not gonna tell you what it sez but I can tell you that I just saw it right now and it made me way happier. My earlier mood is coming back. While I was hiking back up to College Ten from Cowell, I was just thinking about Jen telling me to take a walk. Cuz it's something that I love so much. And I was thinking of going out and taking a walk after seeing Noah. Stuff... I wonder what Noah and Jen are talking about. I would love to be in a chat room with them or something. Esh. I think I'm going to waste time right now and check email etc. And wait for Noah to come up.. and sulk prolly. That's what I'm here for though... to love him.. when he's down and when he's up. To just understand and just be here. I need my Prozac by the way. This just won't do. I was elated as I came back and after just seeing Noah's face I wanted to cry. WILL NOT DO!! ARG!!! Gosh I wish I could paste my conversation with Jen on here... she sed so many beautiful things... I wish you could see what a wonderful person she is... she totally alleviated any doubts and fears I had surrounding her. Noah always made it sound like she's all heartbroken and needed to heal and would freak if I contacted her. So much that even though I thought it would be a good thing to contact her, I was always scared to.. I felt like I knew her just from her pictures, what Noah told me about her, my talking to her a few times, and the little notes and tokens of love she gave Noah... but it's unquestionable the fact that Noah must know her better than I. I'll shut up about that. Noah was just looking out for Jen. Didn't wanna cause her any more pain by letting me get into her hair. Lol. And all I was doing was caring. I hope Noah is doing okay. I love him so much... He was so hurt last night/this morning by what Jen was saying about him. {All was true but hey, the truth hurts sometimes.} It just brought him so down. It was nice for him to just hold me in his arms and let me sleep even though I knew he wanted to talk. So much to talk about...Aderol does that to you anyway and he was not only on that but the whole thing with Jen just gave him more to talk/think about. I'm so grateful of his consideration... and Peter's. He's gotta be pissed that I could not get my car once again. I think I'm gonna take a nap first, then study... Everyone that I saw today told me I look exhausted before anything else. I realize, now that I am no longer so excited and thrilled about my bioethics class discussion and dinner, that I am, in fact exhausted. EW! How annoying, I've realized that I have the tendency to mix up my "c"s and "s"s, my "k"s and "d"s and my "q"s with "w". Very very aggravating. And to top it all off, I just got the hiccups. Dammit. Way to get me down in the dumps. Lol. Me and Noah have this tendency to pull each other down in the dumps. Damn hiccups. GR! ::hiccup:: Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .