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FUCK!
January 30, 2003 ~ 2:38 PM
I just spent the last 20 minutes typing in here and then I accidently clicked a link and it all went buh bye. And I don't feel like typing it all again. Just know that I'm crying right now and I have a migraine and Noah needs to realize that he's got a girl with depression on his hands and he can't just push her away. Oh, and the thing with my depression is that my emotional state directly affects my physical and mental. Which is why I'm not in ACE for Chem right now. Oh, and that I hated having to smile for everyone today. Cuz I didn't want to. I didn't want to see people today. The whole time in Calc I just was hating everyone, hoping they would shut up, then smiling whenever they asked a question. Smile, nod, smile, nod, smile, answer, smile, explain, smile, fucking smile. Crying inside, screaming inside, lost inside, hating inside. I only went cuz Noah wanted me to. I'll pass the midterm but I won't do exceptionally well on it. Chem will be better... Not like ACE was beneficial to me today. I just wanted to stop living. Couldn't tell you who I sat with who I helped what I did or what I forgot or what I brought. I wasn't there. I wouldn't have gone if Noah hadn't asked me to. I would have been kicked out but right now I don't care. "Hey, Kat. How are you?" {smile} "I'm okay. And you?" GR! I AM NOT OKAY!!! When I saw Michelle at ACE and she asked how I was I couldn't even lie anymore. If she weren't religious I would have told her "I feel like shit." I like her too much though. My wane smile for her was vaguely genuine. Then I saw Noah. My heart leapt for a second, actually less than that, then he asked me for a dollar. Love you too, Noah, love you too. I felt like crying all over again. Die die die. Why won't I die? Just die peacefully. Maybe I should go on a jog. Cuz that won't be peacefully, dammit. I wanna die peacefully!!! The quality of my sleep last night on a scale from 1 to 10 was prolly a -6. Yes, that bad. And of course, Noah just made it worse in the morning. Him and his damned space. I gave him space last night. I was hurt and I gave him space instead of seeking comfort {not that it would have been granted or anything}. I needed love in the morning and he couldn't compromise. All I asked of him was a single little kiss when what I really wanted was to make love to him and pour my heart and soul into him. Couldn't fucking compromise. Made me feel like shit. Argue, argue. Pain, pain, pain. Resignation. He can have his space. I won't go find him anymore. Til he gives me permission {which is how I get to do any other fun stuff in this relationship anyway like say kissing him and hugging him and cuddling with him and holding his hand} to do so. If he's gonna be a stubborn ass about it, I'll let him. I'm hurting anyway. I'm in pain anyway, may as well let him make it worse. I'm sure once he finds himself he'll have the stamina to come work on our relationship. He needs to cuz he'll need a hell of a lot of stamina to start from scratch if he gets his precious "alone time". I love him so much. And whoever you are reading this, I don't want any IMs telling me that I'm masochistic or stupid or hurting myself by staying with him and loving him and still having faith in him even after all this shit and after his ex-gf basically told me why they broke up and the same things are happening with me. I know that was a horrible run-on sentence. Good night. I should go to Longs but I don't even wanna deal with talking to them. What's more important to me right now: drugs or sleep? You betcha. I'd rather be raving mad and well rested than sane with a raging headache.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....