Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Random Ramblage
February 01, 2003 ~ 1:06 AM
"Love is an attempt to change a piece of dream into reality." Is there anything wrong with that? I have nothing but nightmares. I cherish this love I have cuz it's just so... good. Mmm.. =] I love Noah. Dude... we had sex and I ran out of birth control two {now three?} days ago. That's kinda scary... =/ I'm not even gonna think about it anymore. I'll get my birth control tomorrow. I don't care if I have to pay for it. Prozac too. I need it. Noah's really proud of me. Of how I'm dealing without the Prozac. He has absolutely no idea how hard this is. I've just been... ugh. Trying so so hard. I'm totally grateful that he notices I'm trying. Cuz it's a damned pain trying to keep my head up when all my mind and soul wanna do is dive into the depression. Trying tryin trying not to let myself let myself. Even though I've wanted to. Stupid little things get me. So I just force them to not get me. I know it's what I feel, but it's just in my mind right? And I control my mind. I can not let it affect me. But it is so so hard. It's like using my mind to fight my mind. My mind against my mind. Ouch. Internal conflict. Who wins the war? Me. Noah. We win. I did not let it hurt me as much as it did. {That didn't make sense but still.} Something about Noah. Stupid little thing. And it just hurt. I wanted to go to a party. And he was all wanting to go to the party. Then he decides that he doesn't want to go to the party even though I really wanted to go to the party. Then he got a hold of Guy {friend of his and Jen's} and he totally wanted to go. He didn't wanna go anymore... not for me... but when there was even a chance of Guy going he was all excited about the party again and all gung-ho. Ew. That hurt me for some weird reason. He figured out like three/four hours later, dear boy, that something was wrong. And I did this little thing where I had him tell me what I was upset about. Lol. I just gave him little clues. I think he got frustrated but he did get it in the end. And he told me sorry. I believe him... that he's sorry... =] Oh I finally emailed Josh back. Yay I have free time!!! Hehe. I was so excited to hear from him. I'm totally wondering how he is and stuff... how he's doing etc. Hmmm... I really do love that boy. The thing was... there was never complete platonic love. Even when he had a girlfriend. I dunno. He's just cute. He's got one of those personalities. When you're with him he makes you feel so special like you're the only girl in the world and you're the only thing that matters to him. I still do regret not having sex with him... I keep on remembering that one night... When we were totally getting it on and he wanted to have sex so bad and I think I did too and we were both on speed. But I told him that I didn't want to lose my virginity to him because I wasn't gonna marry him. Yeah... I didn't wanna lose my virginity to anyone but my husband. What a joke. I lost my virginity two weeks after that to fucking Emilio. Against my will... You have no idea how much I love Josh for respecting my wish that night. It must have been really really hard cuz I know it was hard for me to say no. I did love him and we had been together like all night with the foreplay etc... Eh. We were both turned on and I was so grateful and amazed that Josh Cook of all people did not have sex with me while he had me there. I loved him so much more for that. Loved and respected him. I'll defend him no matter what now... he had no idea what that meant to me. He's a horrible person to commit to but so easy to love and be friends with. Now I wish I would have had sex with him that night. Only cuz I would have much rather have lost my virginity to him, someone I loved {albeit as only a friend}, than to Emilio whom I barely trusted and didn't even really like. I don't know why I even hooked up with him in the first place. Excitement? Of kissing someone at 10 PM in an empty classroom at my high school and elementary. How I met him of course. He worked with the janitorial service for the Glendora School District. Stayed after one day to help my Physics teacher clean up the lab {now that I think of it, I think he was attracted to me... I was just in denial cuz that's just gross. ew}. Finished up, found Emilio. He started talking to me. Asked me for my number. Eh... Just cuz he smelled good. It was sorta exciting though... how he had the keys to the whole school. How we hid from his superiors {yes there is a rank in janitors! Lol} in dark rooms and around corners. As exciting as it was, it wasn't worth it in the end of course. I got fucked. Literally. How disgusting. I wish I would have never met him. God, I wish I never met him. Now I know what true love is though. I hate myself for deluding myself. With Adam. How I kept on saying how much I loved him... trying to convince all my concerned friends {Jaeson, Jon, I luv you 2} that I love him so having a lot sex is okay. I justified his using me for sex with this thing called love. Because I knew I was being used for sex and I didn't want to admit it. Cuz I wouldn't break up with him anyway. I did such a good job of convincing myself that I loved him that I was devastated when he broke up with me. I don't even wanna talk about that time in my life. Eesh. I can't believe I got back together with him. For Prom. Which we spent a whole 27 minutes at. Rest of the night was spent in a hotel room on Route 66. The sex with him wasn't even that good. It was just my first time consenting to sex with someone. Ha. Needless to say, though, after Adam Geller I no longer wanted boyfriends. Josh Cook taught me, that friends with benefits was the way to go. He was long gone by then... correctional facility... Lol. In Lancaster I believe. But that was something that I learned from him. The beauty of a relationship where there is no commitment and no expectations and no obligations and no drama and no pain and just platonic love and this mutual consent to have sex and make out. Ugh. I honestly can't imagine doing that again at this point. It's Noah's fault. Lol. I love him too damned much. I can honestly see the rest of my life with him in it. I do want to marry him. Of course. I love him more than anything in the world {more than my cat, but don't tell my cat. I'll deny it til I die and anyway my cat would believe me over you any day =P lol} and I do want to make that ultimate commitment. But I'm not allowed to propose til I'm 24 so I guess I'll just have to wait. Lol. J/K. I went to not wanting to get married ever to wishing I was married already. Maybe not. Nah. I don't wanna marry him until I'm like 28 at least. I still might propose at 24 though. Or just wait for him to propose. Now that's an idea. Lol. Even if someday he was sure he wants to, he may not ever go through with it. I love him so much. He's such a dork. My love, my everything. The reason why I want to live. I want to live for him; there was never any reason to live for me. Now I have a reason. And I have someone that I have to think about... I don't want to hurt him just because I'm hurt. No more drama. Trying not to cause drama is hard because when I hurt, I hurt. And when I hurt, I flip. And I don't want to flip. I don't wanna do that to my Noah. I'm gonna wake him up now and make him to go bed with me. I love loving Noah. I love this little piece of dream come true to have with all the other shit I go through. Very good for me. Noah's my Prozac right now when I don't have it... he just doesn't know it.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....