Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
My response to the previous entry (the convo)
May 27, 2002 ~ 7:37 PM
Here's the convo in case you didn't read that first. It would be helpful. To read it first...
How should I feel? Because I don't feel anything. I've thought for a while already that he was just using me for sex. But I honestly thought he was better than that. I'm not totally stupid. I know that not everyone is as nice as I am. Or as honest. Or as open-minded. But I can't help but hope for the best in people. I guess it's true that people don't strive to be the best they can, but instead strive to get the most. I have nothing against that. Adam doesn't understand that the life he is describing, that he lives right now, that is me dream. I've always wanted to be like that. I know I will be once I'm up in Santa Cruz (PARTY!!!) but I had wanted to start my fun in the summer. I had wanted it to be with Adam. I know I don't need him. I'll prolly find some hot goys when I go down to Mexico with Astha... but still. I wanted him. I liked him cuz he was smart and he knew how to have fun, too. His craziness and his spirit. I love that about him. He's different. But the thing was, he was a brain also. Such a smart kid. He told me like all the stuff he read about, etc. He seemed really open minded. And plus he was Liberal which is a plus. I don't know. I might just let him use me for sex. Not like he hasn't done it before. And not like I didn't know. I knew that he wasn't taking our relationship seriously. I didn't mind cuz I thought he was gonna show me a good time. That he did. But nothing public like what I had in mind. The sex was great but I mean, I wanted to get out and let loose. Maybe he isn't my type though. He's too phlegmatic. I do miss the sex. But I'm really not sure whether or not he's worth the emotional stress. I'm totally grateful that he finally was honest to me. Honesty means everything to me and it's better late than never, right? Right... I think I could make him happy if he gave me a chance. And he does deserve happiness. I knew I was the rebound girl but I was hoping that I could be more. I knew he had been hurt. And I had wanted to be there for him. Because I understood... and no one, and I mean no one, deserves heartbreak. Ever. It's the most terrible thing ever and most of the time it could have been prevented. No, I don't pity him. I empathize. There is a world of difference. But he seems like he doesn't want me. I don't understand it. In all psychological aspects, we should be totally compatible. He's phlegmatic and I'm sanguine. Maybe I should find someone who is more choleric. Well, I dunno. I'm actually pretty phlegmatic too. But that shouldn't have been a problem. I don't understand Adam. I still do wish he would give me a chance but he seems adamant about his decision. His decision that was made based on barely anything. He never took the time to try and get to know me. I never cared for me at all. Then how can he make the assumption that he would never learn to care for me? Based on four meetings (couplings, I should say) and a few conversations on AIM? The is irrefutabely stupid. I thought he was smarter than that. I was so looking forward to getting to know him better this summer and maybe him learning to like me as something more than someone to fuck. That is so unfair that he won't even give me that chance. Why is it that I get into these annoying dilemnas. And why do I want that asshole back?!?!?! He's obviously just in it for the sex. Do I hope that I could change him? Make him realize that he can have feelings for me? I do like a challenge. But I don't like heartache. I have been hurt and disappointed too many times in my life to seek more. It's the last thing I need. And not like I don't have people who actually do care about me. It's just. None of them are as fun as Adam. You know? Like if Richie came back, then hell yeah. I'd go for tha bright little Mexican gangbanger over tha intellectual little DJ who seems to think he's goth anyday. But he's not an option. The thing with me is, I can be wild, I can be crazy, but I'm still a nice person and I care about others and I have a good heart. I think Adam lacks that. He has more fun than me now, but once I'm outta here... YEAH!!! I still don't know whether or not I'm going to take him back, though. He only wants me for sex. But then, why do I want him? He's not gonna show me a good time since he doesn't think I would like it(sure Adam, you know everything dontcha?), but I... Okay. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I want him simply for the reason that everyone says I shouldn't and I'm tired of listening to everyone else. Problem is, I want him to care about me. I want him to LIKE me. I don't want to be just a pussy to him. I wanna be a girlfriend to him. I could be how he wants. I'm sure of it. It's just, he's so sure I can't be, that it's blinded him. And he can't see past that. How can he tell how I am when he's only been with me to have sex? It kinda ticks me off how he thinks he knows me so well. I'll admit that I obviously did't know him as much as I'd thought I did. It's funny how he thinks I'm 'trendy'. No. It's fucking hilarious. I almost peed in my pants from laughing when he said that. Oye. At school, both high school and college, I am probably considered anything but trendy. I'm eccentric, I'm a troubled youth, I'm a drama queen, I'm a whore, I'm the girl with the problems, I'm the sarcastic one, I'm anorexic, I'm a dumb bitch, I'm sweet, I'm intoxicated, I'm the rebel, I'm crazy... Never, EVER have I been considered trendy or popular (like cheerleader types) or even a brain. People know that I'm stupid, and I'm always tired so I slack off in class. I'm the one carrying $40 worth of methamphetamines in my purse and walked right past the drug dogs. I'm the one who always has all these boy problems. I'm to one who is always writing depressing poetry. I'm the one who was sitting on the bleachers 10 ft away from the nearest Campus Aide, mixing Bacardi 151 with various sodas for my friends. I'm the one who was helping drug dealers get the weed to the kids. Now, trendy, I think cheerleaders who dress nice and are always perfect. Christian and all pious-like. Always being GOOD. And their idea of fun is church on wednesdays. The valedictorians. Etc. Yeah, I'm still laughing at my being called trendy. That is freaking hilarious. Totally. I'm not gonna take him back. I'm gonna do the casual sex/hook-up thing again. It was so much easier and those guys actuallylike me and knowme. They know what I like to do for fun and they know the crazy me that I couldn't show Adam cuz I never got the chance. My friends are right. It's his loss. Never will he ever find another girlfriend so adoring and affectionate and so eager to please him. Well, I doubt it anyway. I know I'm one of a kind. And I do deserve someone who will actually get to know me before making any decisions.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....