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Adam wreaking havoc on my emotions.. again.
May 27, 2002 ~ 6:16 PM
I'm talking to Adam right now. I think he may take me back. I have this weird empty feeling inside. I don't know whether or not to be happy or sad. I mean. I miss him, that's for sure. But I decided that I don't really need him, you know? It's just that... if we get back together, maybe I can be happy again. I'm terrified of getting hurt again. Terrified. I know I don't deserve pain. No one does. But it happens, right? It's just those things he does. Smoking cigarettes (I hate the smell of tobacco) and when he brushes me off after sex. The former just bothered me and I can live with that, but the latter, that hurts. A lot. I know he may be taking me back so he will have someone to have sex with. But I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that if that were the case he would tell me. However, when I ask him straight up whether or not he cares for me, he doesn't answer... I feel like crying. I hate making these hard decisions. My parents have never let me make decisions so I naturally can't. This is ridiculous. I know I don't need him. I should be able to do better than him. So why am I gonna say yes? Well, aside from the fact that I like him a lot still despite him being mean to me in those occasions. I'm stupid. I know I am. But I've wanted him back so long I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to be with him. It wasn't just the sex. I liked him. I just know he doesn't care about me a fraction of what I feel for him. Is it stupid of me to take him back then? I want him back again. I'm telling him yes. We'll see how it goes, huh? He's gonna break my heart again. I feel like crying right now.. Damn.
I forgot to take my Prozac again. Dammit.
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