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today (well... yesterday, really)
June 01, 2002 ~ 12:06 AM
Today was retarded. We had a gay assembly. The last gay assembly I will ever have to go to. YAY!!! I don't know how I feel about graduating. It's like. I can't wait. But I'm scared. I've known Glendora almost all of my life. It would just be weird not to have this anymore. I took a walk to the little plaza thingy in front of the library. Just sat there in the quiet and thought about everything familiar. It's just, I've been here so long. I don't know whether or not I hate Glendora or love Glendora. I actually wrote some poems to get my mind off of everything. I wrote one about Shotstar, one about Andrew of Shotstar which I posted, one about stress, and one about emotions in general. I don't like them. I did write them going into twilight though. I like how the sky darkens. The shift of colors is impossible. But it's so. From red to pink to orange to yellow then deep deep blue.. then before you know it, you can't tell what you're writing cuz it's too dark! haha. I thought it was good though. The sunset. Not my poetry. I've seen much better but it was still nice. Hazy. It's different watching the sunset. It's not like looking at the stars where there is this massive, vast space soaring above you, just out of reach. A sunset is cozy. It's hazy and it's not hot but a comfortable warmth like when you just get the clothes out of the dryer and they are all comfy and warm. Instead of adamantly staying out of our reach, the sunset envelopes us as it sheds it's many layers of colors. And it is in motion. It doesn't give you the sense of peace as the stars do, but instead reassures and comforts. But, it's tricky also. You watch it and watch it to see the change and you barely notice but before you know it the sky is bathed in a whole other color and the sun is no longer visible. There is nothing as magical as the sky. I love it. The sky represents freedom and passion and calm and anger. The sky has emotions too. It's lovely to look at it and think. Not enough people notice the sky enough. Turn off that TV and look at the entertainment that we have been provided with naturally...
I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my internet guys. I think I've developed a crush on one of them... The adorable EMT from San Diego. He is so cute. He's 20. I'm sure he's also charming at least 15 other girls but I still adore him. Nate Manson. No relation to Mr. Marilyn Manson, of course. LOL. The guy is really cute and he's such a nice person. It bothers me when people sign off without saying good bye... It makes me feel like I did something wrong or they blocked me or something. I fear that because I always try to be nice to everyone. And it upsets me when people don't like me. I wanna know what I did wrong, you know? Ech.
I got my yearbook today! Yay. It's red but it's okay. I look hideous of course. I don't see why I look so terrible in pictures I'm really not that bad in person. The only pix that I look okay in are the Starshots or Supershots or wutever. The professional ones. But then those make me look better than I actually am. Why can't I just look like me? =P
I've realized that I honestly won't hang out with Matt anymore. Despite my telling him we could so long as he doesn't kiss me. I really don't need that right now. I want to be his friend but if he won't be friends with me cuz I won't hang out with him, then okay. I don't hang out with any of my friends. If I hung out with him it would just make him feel like special. And the last thing I need is to lead him on. What he doesn't understand is that I fall very easily. I can love many people at one time. Just because he kissed me twice doesn't really make him any different from any other guy I've hooked up with. I enjoy kissing. I love having sex. He doesn't understand that it's not specifically him that I have feelings for. I have feelings for a lot of people. I still like Michael. I really like Andrew (shotstar1). I absolutely adore Nate(EfiniSkies). And there are many other people that I like a lot more than I like Matt(OXHammer). How do you tell someone that though? I just have a lot of affection. I adore everyone. And I have feelings for a lot of people too. My thing is I don't go for every single one of them then that would make me a whore or something. =P I don't wanna be mean but sometimes I just wanna yell at him that he's really not that special. And if I really wanted a boyfriend right now or someone the kiss or have sex with, I would have one. And it wouldn't be him. That is so mean. I know it's mean but I CAN'T HELP IT!!! That's just the way I am. If I have a boyfriend I can channel all of my affection and adoration to him, but while I'm single, many guys appeal to me. I'm pretty sure that's natural. There are four guys right now that I honestly would date and that would be Jon Kuzma(Psy1282), Nate Manson, David Campbell(QXDC), and Michael Sindelar. Too bad they are either too far away or don't want me, huh? Yeah...
Astha ditched me today at lunch. Greg's friends ditched him. 2+2=? LOL. I got to hang out with my cute little Greg today at lunch. That kid is so freaking adorable. I luv him. He's only a junior but he's totally one of my best friends. I'm really gonna miss him a lot when I'm gone. He sez that he's gonna get me the other Thrice CD and an Ignite CD! AWESOMENESS!!! I love that kid. He's so cute. I don't even find him that attractive. I'm just in luv with him adorable personality. He's so funny. He was making fun of me cuz I was drinking SlimFast for lunch and he was eating like a greasy pepperoni pizza and drinking an Orange Soda. Lol What a dork. Eccch. hehe.
Justin Miller's hair was really pretty today. I sooo love long hair on guys. It's so gorgeous. It's not as pretty as Jon Kuzma's used to b. Cuz he has like this really soft looking blonde hair, you just wanna touch it and run ur fingers through it. Justin recently died his hair black. So it looks kinda coarse. It's still pretty though... :)
It was my dad's birthday today. I hate these things because I make them cards and I have to say "I love you" on it; if I don't, he'll be all upset(done it once, the man threw a hissy fit, I swear). But then I feel really really bad when I do write it, because I don't love them. They had beaten all of my love and respect for them out of me when I was younger. I couldn't love them if I tried. I mean, I don't hate them anymore(thanks to Prozac), but there is no way I could ever forgive them for what they did to me when I was younger and didn't even know the meaning of child abuse. How was I supposed to know it was wrong? It's how I was raised. And they do love me. I kind of feel sorry for them because they did bring it onto themselves.
Okay, I can't even talk about my parents anymore. Too depressing and I am ecstatic right now!!! =D Jon took a picture of him wearing a suit! ACK!!! How cute!!! I love when guys wear suits and I love Jonny's hair and I LOVE Jonny(Psy1282- talking to him right now)!!! I wanna dance around and scream and hug him to death. Damn, why does he hafta b in WI. =P Oh well. I'm SOO EXCITED!!! I'm gonna get a pic of Jon in a suit with his pretty hair. I think my life is perfect right about now. Who needs Prozac when I gots Jon!!!! Love ya! ;)
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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