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My day...
June 02, 2002 ~ 1:04 AM
I still like Adam... Kinda sad, huh? I still like him a lot. It pisses me off that I can't get over him. I mean, I'm fine and I don't even care about him if I don't talk to him... I juss talked to him tonight. He was really nice. And he actually talked to me. He used to be in a punk band. How awesome is that! I love guys in bands. I can't believe he was so nice. I don't know. If he would just tell me that he cared about me and he wanted me back, I would take him back. It's only because he was just using me for sex that I won't take him back. I really do miss him. It's okay. I'm fine with being single. It's not that bad. It's just I do miss the excitement. I just don't miss the drama.
I'm going to go see Kyle's band Never Again play in San Dimas next Saturday. I'm so excited. There's a few other bands that are gonna play too. I love punk and rock bands.
I'm really not used to having an online diary that people can read... I think I'm going to make it a locked diary. Reason being that I'm really honest in my diary and sometimes I will write things that other people shouldn't know... Yeah... Matt (OXHammer) read that one entry. I don't know why. David (QXDC) told me that Matt doesn't read my diary... But naturally, he's really pissed at me right now. That's what David told me. I don't know.
I'm thinking of Adam right now. Beautiful man he is... I think he's evil though. I don't know. How can people do that? Use someone else for sex? Like, don't they have a conscience? How is it that someone can treat another human being with such disregard? Don't they have any respect for others? Granted I'm not as smart as him and I'm not as old as him, but I'm a human being too. Really, I am. =)~ How can people be so mean? And did I deserve it? Maybe I brought it onto myself. There is just no way that people can be so mean unless there are people like me that are way too trusting and caring. Dammit. I can think of eight people off the top of my head right now that would probably make the perfect boyfriend and treat me right and adore me to no end. But how am I supposed to know if they are real? Maybe they just think I'm cute and want to have sex. I know I overanalyse things. But I can't help it. You know what? I still can't get over the fact that Adam called me trendy. That's so funny. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Shows ya how hard he tried to get to know me, huh? I'll never forget him. Even if I never touch him again I will never forget him. He's changed me. Same way that my parents did. Through pain. I mean, I'm still flirty. I can't help it. But I doubt I'll be very affectionate anymore to any guy. I'll always be suspicious but that way, I'll always be safe from too much pain. There is no such thing as ideal. Adam was cute. He was a brain. He had the hot car. He had the devil-may-care attitude and the wild lifestyle. He seemed perfect (except he didn't have any gorgeous long hair). I guess what resulted is that he found me lacking. It doesn't work when I go for people who want me and it doesn't work when I go for people that I want. I'm just screwed maybe? What's the point of being a nice person if you're just gonna get screwed? I adapt very easily to any situation because I am so phlegmatic. And I'm very sanguine so I'm also really friendly. Why is it that I can't be happy then? Huh? ARG! Don't get me wrong, Adam isn't a horrible person. He's awesome. And Richard Lopez, he was awesome too. My parents? They raised me. As much as I dislike them, they did provide me food and shelter for 18 years. So if it's not them it has to be me. I'm to horrible person and no wonder people treat me like crap. I am crap.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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