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today... and me ranting cuz that's wut i do =/
June 05, 2002 ~ 10:03 PM
I realize that I am going to miss some people at GHS. I didn't think I would. I mean, I didn't like Glendora High School. The years I spent there, were some of the most painful of my life. But. There actually are people worth missing. And there are genuinely good people there. The ones who are not immersed in the world of snobbery, cliques, and exclusive social circles. Mikey, my cousin. I will miss him so much. More than anyone probably. The very first Asian person I have ever honestly loved. Astha. She's awesome. She's a wonderful person when she's not being opinionated and obnoxious. I'll miss her craziness and her bitchiness and her excessive cussing. lol. I'll miss... nevermind. I guess just two. There's really no one else that I will really miss. I have one more day left of school. After tomorrow, good riddance GHS. Woohoo!!!
Got a picture of my adorable Jaeson (bluebull32) from Florida today. I love when guys dress nice. He's in suspenders. How adorable.
Now if Jon (psy1282) would send me his pictures I can die happy. LOL. I can't wait. He's gonna get em developed soon. I get to see my honey in a suit. AWW!!! I love him so much.
I got to talk to David a little today. (QXDC) I think he's kinda getting over me. I knew he would. =P It's okay. I still really want to meet him someday.
Leo (coolwatercologne) resurfaced. He actually e-mailed me. I don't know what's wrong with his phone. It got disconnected. =(
Mikey is so cute he sez he is gonna miss me so much. He's all sad that I'm leaving. Poor baby. LOL. I'll miss him too.
I like it when Jon (Psy1282) tells me he loves me too. I think that's so sweet. I'm always the one to fall for someone and the person never loves me back. It's so nice for someone to tell me " I love you, too" cuz I've never ever gotten that before. It's very nice.
It was funny today I went to Longs and I saw Orlando, Mike, and Brian all in the same aisle and I said "Hey, look, it's all my boys!" And they all repeated at the same time, like, laughing, "All my boys..." Hahaha. It was beautiful. Orlando was actually leaving when me and Jen got out so he gave us a ride home. I didn't wanna climb the fence with a 12 pack of Pepsi. Haha. My hero. That guy has got some awesome tattoos. Never seen em before since he wears long sleeves to work. he's pretty awesome. And he's only 25. =P. haha. What am I talking about?!?!? The last thing I need is develope a crush for another guy at Longs. LOL.
We got a bunch of our work back today in English. All of my old essays and reports and poems. Even my first screen play. It was fun looking through some of the stuff... but then I get to those personal essays. About my parents. And the poems. I can still feel the pain behind them. I almost started crying in class. It was depressing.
I think that both Jaeson and Jonny, if I'd ever be able to meet them, I would fall so head over heels for them. Both of them are so wonderful. I mean, I already love Jon. But that's internet. I learned the hard way that having a relationship over the internet is way different when you meet the person in person. (Not to mention any names ::cough::Adam Geller::cough cough::[djscuttle]) Damn. Why do I try? I'll never find the right guy. ARG! Sorry. Just thinking of various ex's today. They were all so nice at first. And then they were dicks. With my luck, David (QXDC), Jon, and Jaeson are all dicks. They're just nice onine like Adam. Or nice at first like Orry and Felipe and Emilio and Mike and the list goes on. It's gotta be my fault. There's no way anyone can have that bad of luck, man. I am just fucked. Serious. Love songs depress me so much. I love them they are beautiful but I wanna cry because I will never find that and I will never know the passion that those people have. I write poetry about pain and the loss of love. It's the only thing I have felt! This one-sided love. One thing I have always wanted... to fall asleep in the arms of a man that truly loves me. That ain't gonna happen. It's just not happening for me ever. I'm always gonna get stepped all over, I'm always gonna get dumped. That's just the way that my life is destined to go. It sickens me how much I can love someone and there's no one who can love me back. I wonder if there really is such thing as love. I really do. i used to believe in love above all things. I cherished it. I don't mean to dwell on it but I can't help it this SUCKS!!! I'm so stupid. The people that are supposed to love me the most in my life (and maybe they do...) beat me daily for sixteen years and I actually think that I might find love? The people who love me the most beat the fuck out of me whenever I did the littlest thing wrong. "LOVE" was cowering and trying to get as small as possible so as to provide less places to hit and not talking back. That was love. I really don't feel sorry for myself. I'm just trying to rationalize my life. That is my life. Getting hurt by all the people who supposedly love me. By family, by friends, by guys. WTF! I must have been Hitler in a past life to deserve this pain. I had more nightmares last night. I don't remember them now. But I did have nightmares. I'm gonna go to bed...
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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