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Last day of school. Woo hoo!!!
June 06, 2002 ~ 10:36 PM
I'm so tired. Today is officially my last day of high school. I am so out. I'm free!!!! haha. Me and Astha went to the mall to celebrate kinda. I got my picture taken. You can find em on my photo page. I'm too lazy to put in the link right now. I'm exhausted. After running around the mall for 4 hours I came home and Jason Berry calls me. He comes over to my place to get a picture and ends up convincing me to go to Farmer's Market with him. How can I say no to a cute boy? =P That's my problem. I can't say no. He still wants me. I feel really bad. Cuz I'm just friends with him. But I had a lot of fun. I almost never hang out with my friends anymore. I saw Ricky at Farmers Market. He's back from Seattle, apparently. And he now has a girlfriend. I guess I shouldn't wonder if he still loves me then, huh? That would be wrong. I still can't believe I am officially out of high school. Wow. Hey, I'm talking to Adam right now. (numaphile) He's so confusing. I know I still like him at least a little. And I am capable of liking him a lot again. But it hurt so much when he tols me there will never be a chance of him liking me romantically. I'm so so confused. All my friends think I should hate him. How can I? I don't even hate Emiliano and he took my virginity. I hate my parents but it took 17 years of physical and emotional abuse to create that. I told myself I would never get back together with Adam but why do I miss him so much? I am constantly horny and Adam is almost always the first person to come to my mind. I loved having sex with him. But I thought he was my boyfriend in all aspects and not solely the sexual but he obviously did not think I was to be considered for recieving any of his affection and the emotional side of a relationship. I'm so stupid. I believed every ficking lie he told me. What a poo. So why do I like him so much? I mean, why would I consider taking him back after he has caused me so much pain? I won't take anyone else right now. I wanted to wait until Santa Cruz or Jon Kuzma. And then Adam Geller IMs me and I want him back again so bad. Maybe I should block him. I want to be friends with him. But it's just that I am SO horny and I'll remember having sex with him and I'll miss him. I also thought that he liked me too. Which, of course, he didn't. I'm too trendy for him. That's a joke between me and Astha right now. LOL. My being trendy. We still get a kick out of that. haha. I'm too trendy for all the other trendy ppl and that's why they avoid me like the plague and pretend not to know me... yeah that's it. I think the only thing that pisses me off a lot about Adam is that he thinks he knows me so well, but he never even tried to get to know me before forming his stupid and rash opinions of me. He's a great guy and he's hot and I loved having sex with him but he is so damned sure of himself it's infuriating. He told me tonight that I filled a void. That made me feel so good about myself. I am so glad that I helped him through a tough time. I guess I always knew I was the rebound girlfriend. I just came to like him way more than I should. But then, he's really not what I thought he was either. I thought he was a sweet guy who so was smart and open-minded(that and he was really really cute!). The guy tells me that I am a brain. Sure sweetie, what do you think I liked about you? I'm stupid compared to him. But then that's why I enjoyed listening to him talk so much. You know what? I don't miss Matt either. If he were really my friend he would be my friend and not make any demands of me. I can't believe I ever liked him. I can't believe I still like Adam. DAMMIT!!! I thought I was over him!!! Arg. Astha got mad at her brother today and threw a vacuum cleaner at him. That was interesting. I wanna throw a car at Matt. I think I'm going to cancel my account on FTJ. I have too many people IMing me online. And all of them just want a piece of ass. Well, that's really mean to say, but it's true! My problem being, that I am an extremely horny girl without a boyfriend and that's dangerous. =P They are all really sweet and I'll prolly become really good friends with most of them. I don't even have to go look for people. They find me. Of course I have no idea how considering I'm not being rated anymore but yeah. It's great for my self esteem. I love people to tell me I'm pretty even though I know I'm really not all that. For 16 years of my life guys didn't even look at me. Even now, the popular people still don't look at me. But I do get attention now when I go out and it's done wonders for my self esteem. Now if I can just keep a boyfriend for more than a freaking MONTH... I'll be totally set. LOL. yeah rite...
I'm flipping a coin... heads I follow my head and block Adam/tails I follow my heart and maybe get back with him to get used agn... (I can't make decisions, this is the way I do it, baby) gots tails 5 outta 7. I'm screwed. I would have ended up following my heart anyway. Even though I've it's broken right now.
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