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Yet another disturbing revelation about yours truly...
July 29, 2002 ~ 12:13 AM
I was thinking. Yes, I do contemplate things often. It happens. Anyhow. I think I've realized why relationships never work out for me. Like, maybe I don't want them too. Like I've noticed a trend of my dating guys that are just awful to me or awful for me. And I don't do a thing about it. I date guys that don't seem to like me for who I am and I never even imagined that any of them could ever love me. No way. All of the guys I have been with have been, on the most part, focused on a physical base. I had someone ask me tonight what I do when I go out. I think about it. Okay. Disgusting. The only thing I ever do when I go out is make-out, eat a little (if I'm lucky), or have sex. I'm a slut. That's nice isn't it. I'm a freaking slut. What the smurf. But the twisted thing is, I think that's what I expect. I mean, Josh Cook boosted my self esteem, but more so in the physical department. My personality has always been the same. I'm more outgoing now, sure, but I'm still the same person. I think I feel like it's expected of me to please people physically. And I'm still as self concious about my personality as I was about all of me two years ago. I mean, none of the guys I have ever dated had even the tiniest idea of loving me. They would have balked at the idea, to be honest. Emotional satisfaction for me was never an issue. It was always physical satisfaction for them that was the pressing matter. I contributed in making it that way, I believe. I guess I always hope that if I made them happy, I'd be able to make them care about me. I always seem to be making people happy. All my relationships are like that. I've never even considered dating someone who might be able to love me unconditionally and without physical demands being their main want from me. I mean, there have been people who might have been capable of loving me if given the chance... but I was kind of scared. Like that's too good to be true that someone can like me so much without me having to work my butt off to achieve it. I feel like I don't deserve it. Like I have to work for any affection that I may receive. I've certainly been doing that all of my life. Trying to make my parents love me by being their perfect little daughter. I was never good enough for them of course. I was still punished all the time. I worked so hard to make them happy all the time for them to love me. For them to stop hurting me, you know? It's like second nature. I would feel weird to receive affection and care and love from someone unconditionally and with nothing to instigate it. It would just be wrong for me. Daniel Passarini blows my mind. He's so nice. It's unbelievable. Any time he is nice to me, which is all the time, I feel so guilty. That shouldn't be normal but it's just how I feel. I feel like I didn't do anything to deserve his kindness, so why am I? It's like getting something that someone thought you paid a lot of money for but you didn't. And somewhere out there who did pay for it, didn't get it. I'm so weird. Maybe I don't want myself to be happy. And why am I still thinking about Joe? He obviously doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I was just some casual hook-up for him. Why did I think that I liked him so much? Not because he promised me anything. I think it was just the fact that he's so unattainable. That I would have just been a sexual experience for him and then maybe, just maybe, I could have eventually won his affections? That's how I work, isn't it? Maybe i don't even really like him at all. Maybe it was all in my head because I had wanted a chance to win his heart. What about people like Ricky that haven't asked anything of me, but has been trying so hard to win my heart. He is such a wonderful person. I know that he will always be there for me. His friendship to me has never wavered even though I told him flat out that I would never date him. I needed to make that clear, you know? But he just went on being his sweet wonderful self. Now there is a guy that could love me. Someone who would treat me with respect. I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in him whatsoever. Scott from San Jose is such a beautiful man and he utterly adores me. I can't ask for a better boyfriend in anyone. He would be so good to me if I let him. I honestly don't think I'll date him. Like Ricky, I'll cherish his friendship, but I probably can't get romantic with him. What I was thinking about tonight is just the fact that maybe I'll only be happy if I have to work for affection first, then receive it, to be happy. Or else I don't think it's real. Or I don't think I deserve it. Or I don't think I'll be able to keep it, cuz that person who didn't get it will find it and take it back, leaving me empty handed. I try so hard to be a good person, to be nice to everyone, to be friendly and helpful. So people like me. A lot of guys like me. That's not bragging. It's a fact. I'm a nice person... I appreciate and I adore the guys who like me, but if I had four guys holding out roses to me: one handing me a blood red rose, one handing me a white rose, one handing me a black rose, and one holding a pink rose (I hate pink with a passion) but backing away from me and holding it out of reach, I would go after the pink rose... I've been raised to believe that I can't get love unless I work for it. I think that may haunt me forever, even though I do know I shouldn't think like that. It's embedded in me and I can't really help it.
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