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Too many drunk ppl... lol.
August 16, 2002 ~ 12:21 AM
My parents were out all day... so I was too. Since they weren't here to stop me etc. I jacked alcohol. And I had my Bacardi 151. I was kicking it with Astha and Charlie. I had finished my alcohol so I jacked a Smirnoff Ice at Albertson's. Then Astha had to go to work so me and Charlie took her car. I had already had two Skyy Blues by then and some of the Smirnoff Ice. I gave it to Charles since he seemed to like it. I drove to Mikey's to get money. Then to Charlie's to get a Strokes CD. And then to Abel's to give him the money I'd gotten from Mikey. Abel... I don't know what is going on with Abel. I've given up on him. I still want him more than anyone. But I've given up. I pissed him off today. Cuz I did end up calling him. Even though I told myself not to. But I did. And he needed to go of course. He told me he would call me back. I told him 'you always say that'. And that he doesn't. And he got mad at me. Cuz i didn't understand that he's a very busy person. Mhmm. Sure. I understand that he's busy. But he shouldn't make promises that he can't keep right? If he knows he's such a busy person? I don't know. I'm not mad. Just a little disappointed. I just thought that he would be different than the other boys that I've been involved with. Guess not? He's just another little boy scared of commitment and scared of being loved by me... Arg. Well after we left Abel's we went and picked up Charlie's friend James. Then we went to VONS where I jacked them each a Smirnoff Ice and then Longs where I jacked a Bacardi Silver and a Smirnoff Ice for me. I bought a Wild Cherry Pepsi to mix the Bacardi in. Then we drove up to Colby Trail and downed the drinks. We took James to Citrus cuz he had class, then went to pick up Astha. She was drunk already. And crying in the pet store she works at. You don't even understand. The girl was wasted. Well after that she went home and got her alcohol and I mixed my Bacardi and Pepsi and we were off. I drove to Farmer's Market. She started crying again. Charlie got scared or something and hopped out of the car. I tried to console her. I feel so bad. Cuz I never know what to say to people who are hurting. I did try though. I tried so hard to make her feel better. She'd had a bunch of my Bacardi so she was even worse. I felt so bad for her. Charlie came back in eventually. Then Ricky came by and he was consoling her. And then Orry came by with some of his friends. I went out to kick his butt. He broke my glass pipe. Now he owes me 35 bucks. I was going to kill him but he is just so darn cute. And he's so terrified of me. I love that little kid. I didn't have the heart to really hurt him. His friend Kyle had really really pretty hair. Like it was prettier than Charlie's. He let me pet him. =D I was buzzin by then. Ricky went to the park and Orry ran away from me the first chance he got. So me and Astha had to pee. And the three of us go to Sweet Daddy's so she can pee. And we walk to my place so I can pee and so I can get Charlie my matches. (He likes matches?) My parents still weren't home. They had told me they'd be home around 6. BS. They didn't get home til like 11. They just say that so I think I can't go anywhere so I don't. I get their game now. Anywho I walk Astha back to her car, Charlie goes to find his ride. And I'm alone. I go to the park to find Ricky. He was with a bunch of ppl all not sober. Like me. lol. So I figured I'd stay. Bobby and Josh Speed and Ryan and Nick Owens were there. And two other guys. This guy Ryan (there were 2) and this guy Matt. Ryan and Matt were trying to get up on me. Ryan especially. That guy was wasted. I swear, he was worse than Astha. And he tried to kiss me like at least 8 times (yes, he failed. I wouldn't let him kiss me) and he grabbed my crotch like 4 times. At one point he was sucking on my arm. And he licked me at least 6 times at various places... arm, neck, cheek. Cuz I was dodging his kissing. He has a girlfriend. Even if he didn't, I wouldn't have been interested anywho. I was very very worried about that boy. He started crying and stuff. Like sobbing. It was so sad. I was gonna cry. Matt was more subtle. He just touched my hand at times, hugged me a lot, put his arm around my waist or my shoulder. They aren't Abel though. And Abel is the only one I want. Ricky was all over me too. I love that guy. I feel so bad that it's just friendship. He likes me a lot. He just looks so sad sometimes... Iono. But I want Abel. Ricky knows that. He just kisses me on the cheek or on the neck or shoulder now. He never tries to kiss me on the mouth anymore. he knows that I like Abel and that I want Abel. Granted, he thinks Abel is gonna turn out to be a dick like all the other guys that I've ever wanted instead of him, he still respects my decision. Abel's not my boyfriend. I could hook up with Charlie if I want. Or Matt- I know he wanted to kiss me. I could have let Ryan kiss me. Hell, there are a lot of ppl who want me and you know I'm not a cocky person. That's just a fact. There are a lot of people who would love to be with me. But the thing is, I'm just not interested. I want Abel. I want him to be my boyfriend. I want him to be everything to me that he can be. I mean, Abel is someone that I can love for the rest of my life if he wanted me to. 'Seeing' someone doesn't really mean a lot to me. To have a boyfriend means everything to me. I just haven't found anyone who has appreciated it. People don't get that I want Abel to be my boyfriend. Like if I were just 'seeing' someone I wouldn't think twice about hooking up with someone else. I hooked up with Tony and the day after that I hooked up with Warren and two days after that I hooked up with Joe. It's really not a big thing to me... kissing. It makes guys happy. And I like to make people happy. The thing is the moment I really found Abel, like really got to know him, I liked him like that. I can like a lot of people. I love a lot of people. But I don't very often fall in love. Where I find a guy that means the world to me. Someone that I would cherish unconditionally. Someone who would care for me. Care about me. That special someone that people are always talking about. I think I may have wanted Richie since he's so unattainable. And he was my first guy friend ever. He was just so sweet. I wanted Joe because of a temporary loss of sanity. My parents made me feel like a slut. And to make myself feel better, I convinced myself that I wanted a real relationship with Joe. That was very dumb. I'm still loving Joe's hair but there is no future in that relationship. I don't think Abel wants a future with me either. Maybe I just want him because... well I don't know. As of right now, I think he's perfect. My love and affection blinds me. It's too hard to think of me and him objectively. If he breaks my heart, I may be able to figure out why I like him so damned much. Despite his cussing and his smoking cigarettes, I adore the guy. I don't know. It's cuz I see a kindred spirit in him. He's apparently gotten his heart broken before. And maybe I just thought that meant he wouldn't break my heart. I'm starting to think that the guy is nothing like who I think he is (or who I want him to be?) and that he will end up breaking my heart anyway. In my heart of hearts I hope that he'll decide to be mine. But this way I am verbally and emotionally preparing myself for heartbreak in case it does come. I'm steeling myself against the worse, but hoping with all my heart and soul on the line for the best. Anyway, Matt decided that it was time for Ryan to go home. He kept on lying down on the floor which is never good. I wanted to make sure he was alright. So I went with them. Everyone dispersed. I followed Matt and Ryan. Ryan told me to go away a few times. And he cried in my arms a few times. And he apologized profusely a few times. I felt so bad. He is a really great guy. His soul. He's just so lost... Anywho we stopped by some guy's place... and guess who I saw? Matt Willert. You don't even understand how excited I was. I used to have such a huge crush on him. Since like 6th grade. Well, I'm over him now. But it still blew my mind to see him. And he hugged me twice. He's never hugged me before. He was friends with Josh Cook. That guy is bomb at tagging and graffiti. So sexy. I love graffiti. That boy still has the sweetest smile ever. Hmmm... Well I guess I left right after Matt Willert left. Cuz the other Matt took Ryan home and told me to stay where I was. I didn't. I walked home. Got hit on a few times going home. Got offered 2 rides by passersby. That annoyed me. I started to think about Abel again. Which is what I think about almost always. Abel. I wonder if he knows that he has my future happiness resting in his hands. Along with all of my attention and affection and devotion. Along with my heart. He's got it all. And i don't even think he knows it. Ricky would do anything to have what Abel has. Am I sick and tired of being taken for granted? of getting hurt? of being disappointed? of feeling stupid in the end when my world falls apart again and again? I guess not. Abel Luque, I'm still waiting for your answer. Will you be mine? Yes or no.
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