Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry RAVE PARTY!!! September 22, 2002 ~ 6:11 AM Wow. My very first rave. That was extrememely awesome. I had so much fun. It ws my first time dropping E at a rave too. One hell of a fun experience. Alex is such a great guy. I don't really know what to do about him though. He likes me a lot. And I am hooking up with him. But I don't want a boyfriend (if I did, I would want Andrew or Abel) and he wants me to be his girlfriend. The whole night, he was telling ppl I was his girlfriend. I found this out when a girl came up to me and asked, "Hey, you're Alex's girlfriend, right?" or something like that. I was like, whoa. I do like him. But I mostly just love him as a friend. I don't really like him as anything more than that. I really really don't want a committed relationship right now. That's why me and Andrew are so good cuz we both don't want commitment. Alex does. When we were rolling, {I was sitting leaning against him and someone had just given us a light show} he told me, "If you don't be careful, you'll break my heart." I mean, that's horrible. The last thing I would ever wanna do is break that boy's heart. He is one of the sweetest ppl I've ever met. I actually found him on Hot or Not. How funny, right? I think he is so sexy when he raves. He does these crazy things with his little photon lites. So freaking awesome. Beautiful. No, I didn't have sex with Alex. I usually won't have sex with anyone who isn't my boyfriend, but Andrew is just so damned sexy. Inside and out. And since I have Andrew, even though there is no commitment, I won't have sex with anyone else. I dunno. It'll just feel wrong. Ha. And I think I'm falling in love with Andrew. If he's not careful, he'll break my heart. I'm tired of heartbreak. I'm tired of relationships in general. What me and Andrew have, that's perfect. Which makes me wonder why I feel so bad about hooking up with Alex. Because my real affection is for Andrew? Because Abel still has my heart? Because I don't want the same thing he does in the relationship with Alex? I do like Alex. I really do. Just not enough, I guess. He spent over a hundred dollars on my today. How much does that suck? I can't even believe that. And he just lost his job. And he just got kicked out of his old place. So basically, he spent money on my that he shouldn't have. I feel like such a dick. The guy spent like 85 dollars on a pair of Puma shoes for me. They are so freaking cute. Very cute shoes. But but but... Dammit. You know what? I don't deserve him. He doesn't understand that. I really don't deserve him. It's like my whole situation with Abel, except now I'm playing Abel's part, and Alex is playing mine. Dammit. GRRR!! Alex seriously does not deserve any of this. He still has an ex bothering him and stressing him out and stuff. I added on to the stress by being honest and telling him I don't want a boyfriend right now. I'm such a dick. I'm going to sleep. Remind me to find out who Andrew is. His number is on my arm. (510)853-5341... hmmm... Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .