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"Kat, I will never want you."
October 24, 2002 ~ 2:44 AM
Today was interesting... I got to talk to Andrew today... And Evan (my latest ex, in case you haven't heard).
Evan first I guess. His friend came over today. Nice guy. Drew. Goes to Santa Monica College. Me and Evan were on his bed talking. He won't have any type of relationship with me at all. I don't understand why. He just doesn't want anyone right now. The good thing is we're still gonna be good friends and he'll still spend the night with me sometimes. Yay. He did cancel on the movie thing though. Ew. I kinda knew he would. No ex would be that nice. Lol. He's a sweetie though. He still blows me kisses and gives me hella long hugs. Mhmm. Nothing too bad in that field.
My problem (and main heart-ache, as it is) is still Mr. Andrew Catalano. I just don't understand that boy. He has no real reasons for rejecting me and yet he continually does so. Grr. It's beyond me. He seems to care about me so much. Yet he keeps on hurting me. We were talking tonight and at one point, he looked me straight in the eye and told me: "Kat, I will never want you." Broke my heart. I don't know what it is about him that gets to me. I just know that there is something. I wanted to tell him "I will always want you" but I decided to keep the pathetic-ness of my situation to a minimum. It seriously pisses me off that I can't get over him. He tells me that I need to. I know that I should. But I just can't. I've never been with a guy that has affected me in that way before. I can't even pinpoint the exact reason. He asked me tonight what it was, exactly, that I wanted from him. And I couldn't tell him. Cuz what I crave is not something tangible, not something that he can hand over and not something that I can list... it's more like his presence. His aura and his very being. I feel so at home with him and it just feels so natural. Even when I had Evan I didn't feel that way. I like Evan a lot but I still missed Andrew.. I don't understand why it is that I always tend to go for the guys that want nothing to do with me. I guess, maybe, I just don't really know how to be truly happy. Maybe I'm subconciously keeping myself from happiness since if I had it I would fear losing it. I don't know. Andrew wants me to see a therapist. I don't want to. Maybe if I was with him.. actually, for sure, if I were with him, I'd do anything for him. I have a tendency to do that. Any guy who means something to me has my total acquiesence. Andrew himself is so good for my soul. It's too bad that he doesn't see that. Just his presence makes me feel better. Like drinking tea with honey when you have a sore throat. Or hot chocolate when you are freezing. Soothing. That's Andrew. He's good for me. He'd be my best medicine. Durn him. Grr. I'm never gonna get over him. I'll always love him. Like Richie. Too much drama. Damn my undying love.
Guess who slept in my bed last night? Andrew Trapani. We're calling him "Starfish" now. That boy is so damned clingy. I could not sleep a wink last night. He wouldn't let go of me. Like he pressed his crotch against my butt. And his hand was always touching my breast or my butt. Talk about sexual harrassment. I kept on trying to get away from him but the guy was not getting the point. I was so uncomfortable. I didn't want to tell him to go away. Cuz that would have been hella mean. I'm glad he slept well though. He's just so clingy. It was annoying. And he won't take body-language-no for an answer. Arg!!! He came to visit me like ten times today and asked me to visit him like 6. I only went so that I might be closer to Andrew Catalano. Meh.
I'm in Chris Werner's room right now. Him and Stephanie (one of my better friends here) kinda have a thing going on. Since the space bar on my keyboard doesn't work, I came down here to type up my diary. His friend messaged him. And I spoke to her. She totally flipped out. Some Asian girl named Tammy who's in love with Chris or something. She is like not talking to Chris now. I don't get why people get jealous. She was totally overreacting. It was actually really funny but it was sad cuz I guess she really was jealous of some phantom gf of Chris'. He still wants to be friends with her and stuff, you know? I guess I got her pissed at him though. I think she's really stupid. She flipped out over nothing. But I feel bad cuz I got her mad at Chris. Oh well.
I talked to Colin's ex today. She is so sweet. I like her. Her name's Nicole but ppl call her Nike. Real cool chick. I'm not sure how Colin feels about her now but I plan on finding out. Andrew wouldn't let me kiss him goodnight so I kissed Colin goodnight instead. Colin's a great guy. I wouldn't mind dating him. But I don't think I'm gonna go after anyone right now. Just Andrew prolly. I'll see. We all know that something will come up. Evan thinks that I should go for Jesse. But Jesse's friends don't like me and stuff... I don't think either Hannahs like me. Neither does Estrid. I dunno. Fate works in mysterious ways. Jesse fits all my criteria... I really really want Andrew though. Oh hey, Joe's coming up on the 23rd to see the Dead Kennedys with me. The sucky thing is, the lead singer isn't there. Some guy named Brandon is singing instead of Jello. That so sucks but oh wellz. I wanna see it anyway. And Joe's coming up!! He doesn't have any idea how much I love him. That guy is so sexy. NICE body and NICE hair. Hehe. Cuz you know that hair is almost everything to me! Lol. I can't wait. I'm gonna have a lot of sex with him. Promise. That boy is HOT. Lol. If I hadn't moved, he would be my boyfriend. We both know it. But we both also love sex. So it would have been too hard. So honestly, sex with him would not be casual. We actually dig each other. Just bad circumstances, you know? I promise myself no more casual sex. So either my boyfriend (if I get another one), Joe King, or Andrew Catalano. No more casual sex. I'm tired of feeling like a slut just to make other ppl happy. So yeah. I guess I'm done now. Good night.
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