Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
in love with love?
October 30, 2002 ~ 4:29 AM
Does this sound like me?
Always in love with love, you demand that your relationships uphold the principles of a perfect love. The problem is your lover will feel they can never get into trouble with you--there�s a great deal of fun to be had when you�re not playing by the rules. Soften your attitude and allow your partner to show their own brand of love that might spice up the bedroom scene. Your encounters will flourish if you remember the benefits of equality�what�s good for the goose is good for the gander.Best Bets in Love: Aquarius, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius
Long Shots in Love: Aries, Cancer, Capricorn
I don't think I believe in love. But I do seek something. I feel so alone tonight... It's horrible. I so wanted to be with someone tonight. Last night I spent the night with this guy Zak that I met yesterday... He works at the Santa Cruz Coffee Roasting Co. Really sweet kid. I hope him and Steph work out cuz I kinda hooked them up. She still misses Chris though. Meh. I didn't want to sleep alone tonight. I really really didn't. Which is prolly why I'm still up right now. Chris prolly woulda let me crash at his place... but that would kill Stephanie so I didn't. Chris is a nice person. He seems to care but I'm still not sure if he's for real. I can't read him.. he may not be completely genuine. I honestly can't sleep. I need to get my Prozac. I just think too much. I can't sleep cuz I don't want to sleep alone cuz I don't want to be alone and then I'm up wondering why I am alone. I went to find Keith tonight at Cowell and he basically just told me to go away. Kinda hurt but I deserve it. I've cried so much tonight. I don't really know why. I just feel like I'm alone in the world and there really isn't anyone here for me. I was considering diving out of my window head first.. four stories. I didn't know. Chris gave me some stuff to kill ants with. I might brew some coffee with it. I'll prolly just throw up a lot but maybe if I use both of them it'll kill me. And then I can stop worrying about everything. Ew. And I thought I had grown out of my suicidal tendencies. I just don't like life. It's so crap. All I want to do is belong. And I can't even do that. I try so hard to be a good person so people will like me. But it's just not working. I dunno. I haven't heard from Abe at all.. so I'm just going to assume that I'm single.. until maybe he calls me. I really really need to be with someone. This loneliness is overwhelming. It's so totally dominating my thoughts. It's consuming me. Mario wanted to come over.. but he couldn't. I wonder if he really cares. Or just shows me kindness because he feels sorry for me or maybe cuz he simply thinks he should. Life is such a nightmare. Why the heck do I put up with it? Well, I know why. I don't want to hurt anybody. And I know that there are people who will be sad if I kill myself. I wouldn't want anyone to be sad that I am putting myself out of my misery. So why am I here? Why do I try? I live for the sake of others. Always thinking of others even when I'm miserable. I don't even bother Andrew Catalano anymore. He's always with Vicki anyway. Why am i so durn sad? I don't understand.. sometimes.. I'm happy. And then other times I realize that it's not real. That I've never experienced true happiness. Ever elusive happiness... isn't that what I'm looking for? Happiness? Hah. Why do I look for it though? I know that I won't find it. If I do, it'll go away. That's a trend in my life. You know what? Just to be dumb, I'm gonna take a happiness test.
The Happiness Test
You scored 26 from a possible 44 on the Happiness Test! This makes you OKAY, I guess.
I guess I'm okay? Meh. I wanna try a different one. This one sez: "Your Score Is -13 of a possible score of 24. You�re pretty much down about a lot of things. Time to make serious changes. You may wish to consult with a psychologist or social worker." Hmm... Been there, done that. Talking to professionals has never helped me at all. Just made me feel more... inept. I want someone to cuddle with. It makes me feel not-so-alone. And then I'm not sad. I don't think I'm really ever happy... Just not sad. Sometimes it's easier to hide the pain, and sometimes, like now, I can't. And all this pain comes out and I cry and I die inside and I wish it would all just stop. This lonliness... it's deafening.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....