Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Dictated by Kat, Typed By Rough
March 16, 2004 ~ 5:28 PM
In previous drama, matt had wanted to go to Puerto Vallarta. Naturally, I did not approve. We all no what happens in Mexico. Then there was a chance to go to Costa Rica. First, I made sure I could go with him. So, he could go, on the strict condition I could also. However, I lost my job and no long had extra money to spend. ick. So I thought we were not going. Then out of no where Matt's mom writes a check for him to go to Costa Rica. Matt did not discuss this with me before hand. THis upset me greatly. I voiced to him my concerns and how much betrail I felt. After much debate he finally agreed, in a tender, loving, moment (that I will never forget) that he would not go if we could not get enough money for both of us to go. He said that he would sell his ticket to someone else if we could not go. SO much love. I should have just let it at that. But no, I had to trust him. I decided that it wouldn't be so bad. He'd be moving in April 1st and by June we would have been living together for almost 2 months. By then, I would have been completely secure and happy and not get painfully lonely should he leave for 2 weeks. So that night when he came home from work I asked him agian if he was moving in with me in April. He said "Yeah, of course, Kitty." He said "OF COURSE". As if I was silly for not knowing. And with that assurance of security, I took a leap of faith. I told him that he could go to Costa Rica on his own, that we won't try to save money from me. That huge leap of faith was not unappreciated; he seemed thankful enough. At the time. Now he says he is not moving in anymore. That broke my heart and violated my trust. He shattered any security in him I might have developed. Yet he still plans on going to Costa Rica. THat fact that he had changed his mind and betrayed my trust means nothing to him. He keeps saying "You already said i could go!" Well, he said HE would move in April. That is why I said he could go. He changed his mind first and now he is asking all pissy and self rightous as if he is the one being wronged. He hurt me first. He changed his mind and that changed everything. But he doesn't see that, he just thinks I am being mean. NOw I want him to keep his word when he said he would sell his ticket if he did not have enough money to go. The way it was before I fucked it up by trusting him to move in. Where did the love go? If he is not moving in then he should keep to his origional word and sell his ticket or move in if I don't have money. He has "promised" to move in during may, but I don't trust him anymore. I that I want to die and just forget can not trust him and that hurts me so bad everything. Unless they move the trip to July or August I don't think I could take it even if he does move in May. I no longer have faith in him and it will take a long time to build back up. Two months may not be enough. He says he loves me all the time, but it doesn't show in his actions. He knows how lonely I get without him; I love him so much I can't think straight. I should never have told him he could go to Costa Rica. I should not have trusted him so willingly without letting him earn the trust first. Now he is adament about going to Costa Rica cuz I said "he could already go." But he won't move in during April even though he said he would. For life of me, I can not conjure up any anger for him. I feel only the pain of my decaying trust. I am so sad. The lack of communication on Matts part (doesn't talk to me or listen to me) and his depressingly disappearing love for me is slowly breaking my already-been-abused heart (Fucking Noah). I will be franked. I would love to die. If only to stop this pain and the seemingly emminent end to my and Matt's once beautiful relationship. I feel as if I am fighting a losing fight and in the end he will go to Costa Rica, he wont move in, he won't move in, and he will break my heart and leave me. I don't know if it is worth the pain. Matt just never listens. He never listens to reason unless the reason is his own. I am losing him. And i hate it.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....