Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry So I am crazy. April 09, 2003 ~ 8:29 PM I spent last night and the most of today in a mental hospital. Don't believe me? I've got the discharge papers. And a record for suicidal tendencies. I hated it. It was awful. The food was like.. prison food or something. All locked in. So this is Kat. I'm straight out of the psychiatric ward of Dominican Hospital. I wanted to die last night. I tried to jump off a bridge. Noah stopped me. And cop handcuffed me and took me to the "mental institution". I don't remember much of last night. I know something though. Noah cried. I've never seen him cry. And I prolly never will. He usually doesn't. And he did. For me? For himself? They treated me like a criminal. And all I was: an upset teenager. The handcuffs hurt. I could have escaped if I'd tried. He buckled me into the safety belt. And I was able to undo it. And then redo it. You know, have him start opening the door, and when it clicked, just shove or kick really hard. That would have been mean, though. And who would give me a ride, running around with handcuffs on. Heh. I also remember being asked at least 15 times "Have you been drinking?" exactly like that. Which is ironic cuz I haven't for a while and I wish I was at the time. I don't remember what it was that Noah did that triggered the pain that was overwhelming me. He said it was something about his new rules. Starting slow. About his not kissing me. He told me that it was never enough, he'd already taken me back, and I still ask for more. That is true, but it's also unfair. I have depression and no Prozac. I've been taking Floxin and Celexa but those are not my prescribed anti-deps. And I was simply asking for him to kiss me. Like, closed mouth pecks. And he said he wasn't ready. Broke my heart. I've made love with him; he's fallen asleep inside me... And then he wouldn't even kiss me. Ouch. He accused me of asking too much of him for always wanting too much. I simply wanted something that is as simple as breathing and just as important to my emotional state as breathing is to my physical. I dunno. I should shut up. He's kissing me now... I'm not complaining or anything. I'm just trying to explain why there was so much pain inside me. So much pain it blinded me. Everything was so confused. I remember more now than I did this morning, Noah has refreshed my memory a little. I wanted to jump off the bridge. I walked out towards it, had to pass Noah's window. He called out to me. Just "Kat!". When I heard him, I knew he was going to come after me. My instinct was to run, or he'd catch me. Then for a fraction of a second, various thoughts of him ran through my head. First thought was putting a face to the distress in his voice. Then a flood. Him hurting my feelings in San Francisco; conquering the hilly streets of San Francisco with him- then the serenity that followed: sitting in his arms on the stairs to Coit Tower, just watching the city and the sky and the beauty; camping with him up at Big Basin that first time with no lighter and just two matches; out on the east field, on his horse blanket, gazing at the stars; the light in his eyes when I run P-orbitals in his room or when I dance around like a really silly, joyous kid; inhaling his delightful scent as I drift off to sleep, his warm body against mine and so comfortably warm... Noah standing under my window, looking up, begging me not to jump. Two tears fell onto the pavement and I suddenly realized I hadn't started running. I am so glad that I didn't run. He did catch up to me. But I do not remember anything save that. The next thing I can recall is the metal cuffs biting into my boney wrist. Then being exasperated at the lady at the mental hospital who treated me like I was retarded and insisted on filling out all the forms for me {asking me questions} instead of having me fill it out myself {which would be logical and faster... since I knew all the answers}. Then she asked me some random and weird questions. {e.g. Are all of your teeth real?} And then she asked me some more questions. Oh. Then sleep. Beautiful sleep. Then someone woke me up by opening the door. And more sleep. Woken up again. And more sleep. Get woken up again. And then some more. Get woken up for breakfast. Then a little more and I get woken up for breakfast again. I went back to sleep. They finally get the point. They leave me alone. And I get hot and take the covers off me. Then drifted off to sleep again. Then I hear the door opening. So I pull the covers over me quickly. He asks me a bunch of questions, same questions that the lady ended up with the night before. I go out for food. Some lady asks me the same questions again. I try calling Noah. Rings but wasn't answered. Another man follows me into my room later and asks me the same questions again. I go back to bed and cry. I go out and try to call Noah again. NO answer. I wander around the complex wondering if I'll ever see Noah again. I go back to my room and cried some more. When the people asked me questions I tried to ask them questions too and they were never answered. Upset me very much. "Do you have any idea when I'll be let out?" was promtly answered with "Kat, do you see a therapist on campus?" I almost told him to ask the other three freaking people who'd asked me the same question {each of them asked that specific question at least 3 times within a 30-40 minute conversation}. Then a last lady comes and asks me if she can call a doctor Athey and ask her questions. Um... I didn't know who Dr. Athey was so I was like... okay. And then I wander back out. I call Noah again. Leave a message this time. Start crying, go back to my room, see his sweater, cry harder, went back out, and tried calling him again. Still no answer. Left another message. Then Noah comes. My own pretty plaid-clad angel there to rescue me from hell. {The hash-browns there would make a potato lover like me start hating them spuds *gag*} Mhmm. We figured things out. Got me discharged after making an appt with psychiatry... {I should go put that in my calendar before I forget. I was free. I'd felt like I was a criminal being handcuffed and getting all locked up and stuff. Me and Noah went to see eeman. I think she's gonna go ahead and kick me out of college ten housing. I'll hafta find housing off-campus... I really hope that my financial aid could help with that. I hope I'm not too screwed, anyway. All this crap to deal with now. When I was talking to eeman in her office, I almost wished I was dead. Haha. Just so I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Which is the reason why I wanted to die in the first place cuz I didn't/couldn't deal anymore. I hope things work out. Cuz there is no way I can live with my parents ever again. Not after I've known what it feels like to be treated like a decision-making human being instead of a little slave-like human being. Mhmm. After that, went to Medi-Cal office. {Hurt my feelings cuz Noah and I had parted, I'd gone to the student insurance office and he sed he was going to the library. So when student insurance told me I should go to Medi-Cal, I hiked up to the library to look for him. All three floors. That's a lot of stairs, and I was already exhausted from the whole 2 day ordeal. I found him in the showers back here in the dorms and I told him I was looking for him all over and he sed "serves you right" all snappish and mean. *mew* He didn't even ask why I was looking for him before he got all pissy... he just assumed I was trying to be clingy er something} Turns out that they have a different thing here in Santa Cruz County. Under HMO instead of what other counties are under. Something like that. So I am in the process of reapplying and I get recompensated. So me and Noah went off to Longs and bought my Prozac. Yay Prozac possesion! Mhmm. SO now I'm back here and I was gonna email my teacher explaining stuff but in trying to explain things I decided that I wanted to write in my diary first. And it's been taking a real long time. So NOW I'm gonna go write my emails. Hopefully get extensions on all my assignments. Hopefully, I'll be all caught up by Sunday. I'm really looking forward to this quarter again, now that I've got my Prozac and my Noah and all the cute deer on campus and the gorgeous days and the salty beach and the adorable raccoons n squirrels and the graceful deer and the chance of finding another one of those bright yellow fuzzy capatillers {caterpillars} and most important of all, I've got my life again. Might drop Power in Politics. Well, okay, for sure I'm gonna drop that. Heh. I missed both the class meetings already. Plus I really should lighten my load anyway. Too much too fast is no good. {I love you, Noah.} Even if I do get kicked out of College Ten, I think that this is gonna be an awesome quarter. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. 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