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single by choice this time
April 09, 2003 ~ 11:47 PM
I just went downstairs cuz I wanted to hug Noah and get my glasses. And maybe take a nap under his bed since he won't let me sleep there tonight. {Notice I didn't even ask him to sleep with me or me with him. I simply asked to sleep under his bed. I want to sleep near him since when I fell asleep last night, as far as I knew, I might never have seen him again} I also brought my pills since he's got that Aquafina he got me the other day and my Brita smells funny. When I told him I wanted to take a nap down there he flipped out. About his privacy and it being his room etc. Okay. He didn't have to be such a dick about it. I spent last night and this morning thinking I would never see him again. I just wanted to be with him. I started crying cuz I could not believe how inconiderate he is. I just went through hell and I wanted to be near him. And there he was, yelling at me. {I almost miss my parents cuz at least I don't love them... it doesn't hurt as much} Anyway it ended up he pushed, pulled, shoved, kicked me out. I tried to get my pill case {on his desk} as he was dragging/pushing me out but he just got even more forceful and he shoved me out and closed the door. I don't know what he assumed but it was obviously, as usual, the worst of me. He didn't even ask what I wanted, or think of other possibilities etc. He just kept on saying "I won't let you make that choice". Did he think I'd actually want to be in there with him when he's gonna be such a fucking dick about it? I was so ready to leave. I've been crying almost every minute for the past 2 days; and he makes me cry again. After I was telling him that although I love my acting class I prolly won't go to it because I'm still not ready emotionally and I'm still sorta shaken and sad inside. Yeah. He doesn't know it yet, but he no longer has a girlfriend. It's what he wanted in the first place. And I was so upset about it. I guess I finally see the light... er something. I'll busy myself chasing after Sexy Andrew or something. Not that that will quell the pain but it'll be fun. Heh. I'm only saying that cuz Noah had a dream about me running off with Andrew. Maybe it's premonitory, maybe not. I'm sick and tired of getting hurt. And Noah's the one who hurts me. I cannot believe how selfish and pig-headed he is. I can't believe I'm so in love with such an inconsiderate bastard. He wants me to change and grow up. I'm fine on my Prozac I just didn't have any for a while. What's his excuse? He needs to grow some feelings and compassion. And then maybe he'll learn how to love someone right. Sometimes it's not enough just to say it, you gotta show it, too. I'm gonna go write him an email now. That's mean, huh. Breaking up with someone via electronic mail. It's okay. He's always mean to me. Karma, right? It's really too bad that I love him so damned much and he means the world to me and he's wonderful and amazing and the best thing that had ever happened to me. Really really too bad.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....