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I saw Noah today.
April 17, 2003 ~ 6:52 PM
I was going by Merrill to see Miss Newberry. And I saw the Taqueria and got all sad and nostalgic. I actually saw that one girl that me and Noah went to dinner with that day we had spent sleeping on the knoll. While I was going back to College Ten, I met up with Laurel and them. They were gonna go to the Stevenson dining hall to eat. I was invited. I walked there then chickened out. Decided I'd come back here. But I didn't. I went out to the knoll. And that's where I saw him. I saw that spot on the knoll and I saw him sleeping next to me, drooling a little on the pillow and oh, so peaceful. I saw the field and I saw the stars and I felt his warmth next to mine and I saw him brushing away sleep when we woke up and it was freezing. I saw the cows and I saw Noah driving and talking about how we've gotta go look for shrooms. Right now would actually be so ideal. It just rained. I woulda dragged him out there at like 7. Lol. And I saw the ocean and I saw Noah next to me, us talking nonsensical dreams of running away on a boat into the ocean and just forgetting about all the hate and the anger and the prejiduce and the war and just having us two on that boat. Just us two in the whole wide world of that boat and only having love and trust and faith nothing else. Noah alway said that he hates people except for me. Yet I'm still not good enough for him. Or maybe, he's not good enough for me. Perhaps he will not be good enough until he can learn to really love people, as i will not be good enough until I can really love myself. I've decided that there is no way I am leaving this school. It's too much a part of me. My memories with him... they are me. This last year has defined Kaitlyn. And I've changed and progressed and regressed and stayed in the same stubborn square for much to long at times. Now I am happy with who I am. And am not wondering who I'll be. Because this is me and I doubt there is any more that I could do to make myself more of who I want to be. I kissed Andrew last night. I kissed him not to try to get over Noah, not to spite Noah, not to prove to myself that I'm still desirable, but just because there is no greater person in my world than he right now. He's always been there and he'll always mean comfort to me. And of course because I love him. He doesn't know what love is yet but he knows that I love him. I always try to hard to not hurt the people I love since the people who love me seem to be the people who hurt me the most. And anyway the point of this entry is to say that I will not leave this school for a mental hospital. Even if Noah promises he'll get back with me when I get out. I changed my mind about doing anything to get Noah back. I won't do anything to get him back. I'm just packing. And studying. And thinking. And longing. And loving. And sleeping and eating and drinking and taking my Prozac like a good kitty. Um... and missing Noah. But I'm not missing Noah for Noah. I don't remember my point again. What did I wanna say. Me and my durned tangents. OH yes, I was on the knoll and I saw Noah and I missed him and it hurt but I didn't cry. Tears didn't even come to my eyes. Cuz I know that if I become my own person and I just live my life and not worry about when he's coming back, he will come back. Oh, and, I didn't refrain from {at first I wrote "I didn't not cry" and that just sounds wrong.. I mean, duh, Kat. Your diction is better than that!} cry for my parents. I didn't cry for me. Not because I didn't want to and I held it back, but because I didn't have the urge to. I love him. And I do miss him. But crying will not bring him back. Nor will calling him all the time {he doesn't pick up anyway} or emailing him all the time. He'll get a hold of me when he is ready to be in love with me again. Like I told my counselor today, if there is anything in this fucked up world that I believe in it's LOVE. God does for people what love does for me and Laura does for Noah. Something to believe in.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....