Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry people suck April 21, 2003 ~ 5:35 PM i just got a call from my land lady. so she decides that she's not even getting the floor in my room refinished. just the whole house but my room. to save time cuz she has to move in by the end of the month. um... yeah. i had to move in by yesterday at noon. remember when i told you that? yeah... so since they aren't even gonna do my room, i asked her if i could move in. no. she doesn't want anyone in there until she gets in there. she told me a while ago that i could move in by sunday. so i'm gonna be stuck here for about 2 weeks. i could go live with lauren and colin and stuff but noah would prolly tell on me. punk ass mother fucker. it sucks that i've made him hate me so much. doesn't even wanna talk to me. i wish he'd let me into his fucking diary. he sez he loves me. he doesn't show it. like my parents kicking the shit out of me and saying that it's only the best for me and that they love me. remind me why i believed in love. remind me why i trusted noah. remind me why i let myself fall in love with him. remind me why i let myself play the fool. by choice. i didn't have a choice when it came to my parents. i had a choice with noah. even knowing that just cuz someone loves me it doesn't mean shit. bitter and jaded. once again. forever this time? innocence. lost it a long time ago. i dunno why i so desperately and naively held onto faith in trust. trust. now i've lost that too. everyone lies to get their way. no one cares about anyone else. they only care about themselves. no one else matters. obligation, guilt drives people to be "nice". good of heart? good rep, good feeling, good image. love. i've lost that forever. what the fuck is love. it's definitely not what noah did to me. not what my parents did to me. what did i do to noah? what did i do to my parents? it prolly wasn't that either. i didn't love my parents. i thought i loved noah but it wasn't that either. that wasn't love there is no such thing. to hate or not to hate, that's the question. i love therefore i hurt. i trust therefore i hurt. i remember why i loved animals now. cuz it's not worth it loving humans. you only lose in the end. drained. melodrama. middle name. stream of consciousness, this entry. very vague. the world sucks. i'm forced to swallow. somebody, just kill me now. i've realized i've lost the very thing that made me me. before, i'd lost my will to live and now, even worse, i've lost my will to love. that's why i feel so empty inside. that's why i cry. i'm not me anymore. noah dekkers will be the last one to remember me. "i remember her. she was cute. hyper at times. annoying at times. but she had so much love. childish joy. it was intriguing. i loved her. i wonder what happened to her." cuz he's the one who killed me. my parents cut it down to size, he stepped on it. he ripped my heart out and left me to bleed to death. "you can do it" "i fyou can't do it, no one can" well i can't so i'm fucked, huh. love was my reason. some people want money. some people want god. some people want nice things. some people want friends. i wanted love. got money. got god. got nice things. got friends. oops sorry--no such thing as love. pointless. everything. why don't i let myself cry? i don't know. it's not worth it. 1202 at North Bay. i'm all by myself. all alone. these people care about me? i care about them. i'm grateful to them. i owe them cuz i'm living here and i'm not supposed to. i hate them. they are happy. they are in love. the still have their little worlds where hearts fly around and sunsets mean a silhouette of two people on a mountain top. i hate my parents. for showing me that love doesn't matter. that even if someone loves you more than anything it doesn't say a thing about whether or not they give a fuck about your feelings or your welfare or you. i hate my noah for proving them right. no one gives a fuck. if noah came back into my life right now i'd put a bullet through his head. and in his penis that i pleasured so lovingly. scratch out those eyes that i thought were filled with love for me. cut off those lips on that mouth that tasted so sweet in the bitterest of times. rip out that hair that i so cherished and peel the skin off that body i adored. that kid really should put a restraining order on me. i'll fucking castrate him if i see him. "i love you" *slice* "i love you" *aim at tummy, pulls trigger* "i love you" *scratch* "i love you" *rip* "look noah, i love you almost as much as you love me." *aim at forehead, pulls trigger* *smile* "see, i love you too" wait, i can't buy a gun. they won't let me. depression on my background check. ha. oh well. this is worse than death i won't ever be in love again. because i no longer love. i don't want to kill noah. i want him to live in pain. i want him to suffer like he's made me suffer. don't give a shit anymore. who cares if he won't let me into his diary? i don't give a fuck how he's doing. he's prolly just talking about how glad he is that he's finally gotten me outta his hair. or how he finally gets to shave his hair. or how jen's doing. or how his classes are so awesome. or how his mother is doing. or how he likes his dad now cuz his dad is on his side and his dad was right about kat. "there's something wrong about that girl" he doesn't give a shit about me. no one does. my parents love me, sure. they still don't give a shit about me. they never did. "i love you" *smack* "i love you" *shove* "i love you" *beats the shit out of kat* "i love you" *makes kat stand in corner all nite til time for school* "i love you" *throws cat at kat* "i love you" *pushes kat down the stairs* "i love you" *spits in kat's face* "i love you, go clean up your blood that i spilled" "i love you, get the hell away from me" "i love you, i never wanna see you again" "i love you, i dont wanna be with you" "i love you, stay 100 feet away from me" "i love you, get a fucking clue and fuck off" doesnt' mean a fucking thing. love doesn't mean a single fucking god damned thing. people suck. why do i hafta live with them. kids are annoying. animals have fleas. eat a fucking hamburger. eat some fuckign szechuan beef. kill some fucking innocent iraqis. kill fucking bush. kill jen atchley. kill my fucking little trendy bitch sister. kill the bastard who took my virginity. fuck noah. fuck noah fuck noah fuck noah for proving my parents are like everyone; that my parents are right. study 20 people you have the whole world. how about just two? fuck noah for breaking my heart. fuck noah for winning my trust. fuck noah for making love to me. fuck noah for thinking he was in love with me. fuck noah for pretending he cares. fuck noah for being a liar. fuck noah for saying he loved me. fuck noah for making me fall in love with him. fuck mommy for giving me depression. fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me for being so naive. sell drugs make big bucks. fuck people over. i don't wanna be a teacher. i don't wanna be a vet i don't wanna be a psychiatrist or a writer or an actress or a human being. i wanna be a fucking cat. i wanna be me before i met noah dekkers. before i found out that love wasn't real. before i found out that love don't cost a thing only cuz it ain't worth a fuckin peso. if a stranger gave me a million dollars, i could tell them i love them and not ever hurt them a millionth as much as my parents and noah and nikki and pam and sara and astha did. not even a millionth of the pain they inflicted. all those people who "truly love" me. or did. or said they did. then fucked me over. i should have learned my lesson. brian called me today. i should go down back to G-town. i doubt he's still interested but if he's not i can make him. fuck his brains out get pregnant and marry him. i won't fall in love with him. i won't love him. then why him? i like the color of his eyes. the most amazing colored eyes. i'd choose him cuz of the color of his fucking eyes. love isn't anything. he's looking for love, i'm sure. most people still are. i can make him fall in love with me. we'll get drunk and i'll seduce him and make him think he seduced me. manipulative. noah called me that. i can do that. my parents told me i was a bad daughter. so i started doing drugs and started drinking and kissign random guys i didn't know. noah told me i'm manipulative. yeah. i can do that. i think i can be happy with brian. i haven't talked to him in forever though. how about abel? abel who wrote me a song. abel who made me feel loved even though he never said a word. there's an idea. he loved me and never said it but he showed it. i could trick him into falling in love with me. that would be hella easy. too bad he's too young. no more youngens for me. he's only 20. brian is what? 24? alex would break up with his gf for me. alex is rich. he's got a lot of money. scott. i'm sure scott remembers me. i'm his "princess kitty". he could buy me a car and a diamond and a house by the beach. manipulative. marry him. he wanted to marry me. he prolly still does. i could marry him. kill him. get his money. i'll be a rich widow. won't need anyone. i'll get my horses and my yacht and australia and paris. and when i see noah i'll spit in his face. by then he'll prolly be "in love" with someone else. prolly calling her hunny-bunny and sweetie and pooper and silly. telling her that she means the world to him. i'll spit in her face, too. if i had enough spit. or i'll just pour something on her. i was so sure that noah was the real thing. so sure that he's the one. there's no such thing. i've lost my will to love. i no longer have a point. what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. ha. noah killed me. what does that make me? what else? dead. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .