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Reality hits once again. Rediscovering forever never is forever at all.
April 26, 2004 ~ 6:16 PM
Um... I lost my job today. After only a week. After I learned how to do everything. And got to know everyone. And started feeling like I fit in somewhere. She didn't give me any reason. Just said that she felt like I didn't belong. Said I was unsuitable for the company. After I typed up dozens of Sales Orders, issued dozens of RMA numbers, and typed many UPS labels for her. After I learned how to do everything perfectly, she fires me. I know I did everything perfectly because since I am on probation, I have to let her check all my work before I submit it. The first two days, there were corrections. There were no more corrections after that. My dad says that they fired me on account of my shirt. Just some things I found in Jen's closet. White tank top under teal mesh over jeans. They told me I could wear whatever I want. They usually wear sweats. And we don't ever see any of our clients anyway. If that was the reason I think it's unfair.
And then I came home about 3ish crying. And I talked to Matt. And I started thinking about the seemingly futile future for myself that I've been trying to build since I was 13 and fell in love with Richard Lopez. The dream I've been trying to grasp since that night with Emilio on my parents' couch. I saw myself falling apart and Matt coming with me. I didn't want Matt to come with me. And he doesn't love me enough to wanna sacrifice himself. Lucky him. I think I'm just going to take the cowards way out like I've wanted to since I was 10. The only thing I see for my future is more and more pain. Or trying so hard to live that it drives me insane. Matt promised he'd never leave me. I suppose I can't hold him to that promise, can I? No one really can be held to that promise. I will just assume that his breaking his promise negates my promise to him that I will not end my own life. I don't think there is a reason to be alive if there is no way to stay happy. Being alive has to do with thriving and feeling brilliance emanating from every aspect of YOU. Living is not working your ass off and not knowing if you are loved or wanted or if you belong. Living is not cutting almost every night and crying almost everyday. Living is not wanting to die but not doing so only for the fear that you may be happy. Living, is not what I am doing right now. So I might as well give up. Three people will miss me. I apologize. Those three people have hurt me more than anyone in the world should be hurt. I would not with the pain on them. I am sorry for inflicting pain on anyone.
I love Matt. But he never cares. The best thing for him, is to find something he gives a shit about, and do that. He says "I love you" without knowing what it means. And if he does, it doesn't matter to him. He's breaking up with me anyway. No matter what. I guess I'm glad he doesn't read my diary. I couldn't even begin to describe my pain, anyway.
Suddenly, Noah and my sister's conversation on AIM doesn't mean jack shit.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....