Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry KARMA May 02, 2004 ~ 1:38 AM I couldn't sleep last night. Same with the night before that. And the night before that. But this morning at almost 5 AM I decided to sign onto AIM to check if Noah was on. Lo and behold. He invited me to Coachella. RADIOHEAD!!! OMG! So I drove over to Westwood at like 5 or 6 AM. The connection was still there... He's still... the partner... the kindred spirit. The chemistry was gone. I have found once and for all that I am no longer in love with him. For sure. No more residual attraction. But god I love him. As a friend. The TALKING. The CONNECTION. It is so amazing. Drawback- his pain. I'm in love with Matt. I'm not gonna choose Noah over Matt. Matt has never fucked me over or broke my heart, etc. He's hurt me, sure. But not to the extent that Noah did. Not repeatedly. And not permanence. When Noah did what he did, it was so DONE. I wouldn't be able to do that again. I'm no longer keen on dying anymore. It's just not what I want anymore. I want to live. And be with Matt. And be in his arms and feel alive. I wanna watch Moo grow up to be a big lazy kitty and I wanna see my sister become a better adult that the teenager she is. Noah is hurting so much. I feel like a hipocrite. Hurting him. Hurting him. Hurting him. Every time I reject him. I love Matt. I do. I am so in love with Matt. But it's hurting Noah. It's so fucked up. I can't do anything about it. When he flinches, it tears me apart. I FELT THAT. That pain that he's going through right now. I went through that. Noah Dekkers was my world and he disappeared on me. It was like he DIED. I want to be Noah's friend. But I don't think it's enough. How can you just sit around and BE when you know the one you are supposed to be with is not there to be with you. If you know The One is there, it is excrutiating to know you can't have that person. I thought Noah hated me with a passion. I'm glad that Noah at least has my platonic love. It may make it easier on him. I hope it does. He wants to be with me so bad. I cannot believe that he offered Matt a million dollars to break up with me. He meant it. He would have done it. I have no idea what I would have done had he been in my life after our breakup, but I know the sentiment. I would have done anything to be with him also. I know not if this decision is RIGHT. Being in his life. I don't know if it is worse for him than me making myself scarce. I just want to be there for him so bad. But I'm the one that causes all his pain. I have no right to wanna be his friend. I have no right to ask for platonic love. I think he has changed, though. It might have worked. But right now, Matt has all my heart. There isn't anyone else. Just Matt. I don't know what would have gone down had Matt not been in the picture but you know what? One can only wonder. I know what is goin on NOW. I know that I love Matt. And I wanna be friends with Noah. I know that Noah is feeling all kinds of the pain that I felt when he loved me and left me those three times. It sucked ass and hurt like hell. But I think if I made it through, he can. He is a stronger person now, too. I hope that one day I can see the love of my life and my soul mate together as friends. But for now, I'll just take every moment as it hits me. And I'll be in love with Matt. And I'll wish the best for Noah. Matt thinks Noah is getting exactly what he deserves. But this pain, I have felt it, and NO ONE DESERVES THAT. Not even my wretched mother. Noah's got his friend Julie. I don't know her, but she seems to touch him somehow. He keeps saying that no one is me. Well no shit. There isn't anyone in the whole entire world who is gonna be me. Ever. I couldn't have a real relationship until I realized that. That no matter what, the person is not Noah, will never be Noah, and won't want to be Noah. So I stopped looking for Noah. And I found the new keeper of my heart. I think he just has to come to the conclusion that no matter what no one will/can be me. And then he can find someone else. Someone else who might not be better or worse, but also FITS. Me and Noah fit. When I gave him a hug today... it was like fitting two adjacent puzzle pieces together. Like two half spheres in the process of becoming cleaved. I can't explain it in english. If I had to, I would use the Chinese word for perfection. Roughly translated- completion of beauty. There are no two ways about it. Me and Noah have something so dazzling and sparkly and just AWESOME that no one else in the world can compare. So I found something different than THAT. Someone who made me question believing in "The One" since Noah is the One. But I'm with Matt. I hope that Noah can one day stop waiting for me and needing me and stop looking for Kat- start looking for LOVE and COMPLETION. I define those things now. But once he realizes his definition is wrong, he'll be able to find something. To ease his pain. To make him happy. The day Noah stopped meaning love and completion to me, is the day that I ... grew up. Ugh. That does NOT explain it. I am SO inarticulate right now. I need some fuckin sleep. I did NOT grow up. But I GREW. Something. Or somewhere. Somehow. I grew and I became better. And the PAIN WENT AWAY. Not completely at first. No way. But it faded. And it did leave eventually. And when I see his pain now, it just... hurts cuz I'm hurting him. It doesn't hurt cuz I see him and am reminded. Even if it does remind me of past pains... The pains aren't there, you know? But his ARE. And ouch. I don't even know what to do. He says that he will do anything to get me back. He'll do anything as long as it'll give him one more chance with me. The only way I will give him another chance - He needs to build a time machine and he needs to turn back time and he needs to keep his mentality NOW and go back THEN and believe me when I told him that we were meant to be together. And stay with me instead of leaving me in the dust. Because of the fact that I have Matt... I have no interest in getting back together with him. Not even the slightest temptation. And it makes me feel like shit. But it's true. Matt is my baby right now. He's got my heart and I don't think he's gonna let anyone else have it. Not for a million dollars. I apologize for no longer being as candid and/or raw as I used to be here online. I don't know... The passion is just gone. But me, I'm still here. Same person, different facet. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .