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so much love
April 28, 2003 ~ 2:13 AM
totally wasted. i was reading our old IMs. god we were so in love. seemed like it. but were we really? i start to question it now. he could have been lying the whole entire time. and i just loved the feeling so much, i wanted it so much, that it just became a delusional reality to me. maybe it was real for me and not for him. and that's why it's so easy for him to throw it all away. it's disgusting, really. i don't understand it. there was so much love between us. how can he just throw it away? huh? it must have not meant as much to him, right? right? not enough love like that in the whole world. i'm not gonna fall in love again. i'm not gonna get over him. i'm fucking head over heels in love with him. i will be til i die, yo. it was real for me. and my love for him is real. am i really that stupid though? to have not seen? if he'd been lying to me the whole time. just talking and not feeling. i don't know which is worse. him loving me and not caring that he's killing me now, or him not really loving me at all so he shouldn't care. i'm starting to feel like it's my fault again. i mean, it has to be. if he was gonna do that, pretend to love me... i dunno. i don't fucking know. i've been awake since the day before yesterday's afternoon. tired. thoughts of noah. just swimming. noah needs help. he needs counseling. you don't just tear someone's heart apart and go on living life like it's dandy. not unless you're george bush. but still. maybe noah just never loved me at all? or maybe he started out loving me and he stopped. i musta done something. i'm pretty sure he was in love with me. god i was so in love with him. i was terrified of him. i was terrified of falling in love. i knew he would hurt me. he told me he wouldn't. that i would hurt him. that i would break his heart. who was right? i'm sure we made a bet of some sort. that if he broke my heart that he would be mine forever. something like that. damn. i think we did. lol. i'm gonna go back in my diary and see if i wrote anything about it! cuz then i've got him! i won the bet. he broke my heart so i get to keep him forever. fucka.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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