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somebody make the pain go away....
May 02, 2004 ~ 4:45 PM
I wish there were a way I could make Noah's pain stop without causing any for Matt. ARG. I'm so fucking frustrated and so fucking pissed. I don't want anyone to be hurt. I've stopped hurting. I've finally stopped hurting and now I'm hurting someone else. I find myself developing this... intense hatred for me and I can't even help it. I don't know what the fuck to do. I just wanna give Noah a hug and pour all my love and empathy and caring into him and make him not hurt anymore. He needs to know that he'll be okay without me. Cuz I became okay without him. And if I can do it, he can. Me with my co-dependancy problems- I am okay now. He can too. And maybe he will have a chance with me someday. But not now. I'm not sure if Matt really does love me or if he just thinks he does. I know better than anyone that physical attraction or infatuation can be just as strong as love and can be easily confused. I'm always scared that Matt will just up and realize one day that he was never really in love with me at all. That it was all infatuation permeated with the excitment of a first girlfriend, a first kiss, a first fuck. And that I will be left broken and alone once more. I've tried having this discussion with Matt. He is pretty sure he is really in love with me. Not sure. Pretty sure. But even Matt knows the alternative is a possibility. And with my being genuinely in love with him... that's gonna hurt like a bitch. And I don't even know if Noah will still love me whenever this occurs. I did something last night. On impulse. To try and tell him something. And I didn't know it would hurt him; but now that I found it has, I wonder if it made him less in love with me, less convinced I am the one. I wonder if he is blocking me again. I don't know. I don't care either way. I think, in the end, Kaitlyn Tammy Ho will end up fucked like she always does. And it's senseless to have Noah feel all this pain. Sometimes I wonder about dying happy. There is no way that would ever happen for me. I don't think so anyway... but if I killed myself while in middle of one of Matt's perfect moments-before realizations tear us apart, before I start thinking about Noah's suffering more, before I rediscover the existence of my parents, before anything can destroy that perfect moment whenever it is-that may be the only chance I have to die happy. And that sounds so nice but then there's more pain for Matt, maybe some for Noah, tons for my parents and my sister... more pain more pain more fucking PAIN. I wish pain would just all disappear. So I wouldn't care about communicating with Matt. So I can lie in bed with Noah and just talk without censorship. So I can tell my parents to get the fuck off my back. So my mom and dad stop doing what they are doing and just learn to LIVE. I want to spend the rest of my life with Matt as his wife and lover but I want Noah in my life, also as my friend and confidant. I don't think that can work due to Matt's restrictions and Noah's love. And there's Pain again. My long time acquaintance Pain. It's the only constant companion I ever had. I wish I could send out a hit. My hopes would be for it to suffer a quick, selfless death. But mer. I'm gonna go drown myself in Civilization three.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....