Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry pickin at my nifty scars.... May 02, 2004 ~ 10:49 PM Well I survived my mother's small little stay here at West Mountain View Avenue. I take her to her mom's tomorrow, and she leaves for Mexico. Then me and Jen have the place to ourselves for a few days. Then Mom is moving back into the apt here with us and dad left for China tonight. He won't be back in the US until like... June 11. I keep wanting to see Noah again. But I won't because doing so jeopardizes my relationship with Matt and will prolly hurt Noah, too. I just want to give him a hug. He has been emailing me. We email back and forth. It's really really weird. Cuz he never emailed me before. It's not something we do. And every time I sign onto Hotmail and see his email addy in my new mail list... Ugh. I've been SO inarticulate as of late!!!! It's infuriating. With every email he sends... Damn. That's not how I wanna say it either. Haha. Um... I dunno. It just brings me closer to considering and maybe even someday accepting the fact {not the act of} falling for him again. That scares me. He swears that he won't hurt me again. That he won't leave me like he did. And the more he emails me the more I believe him. The fact that he's a different person now was clear to me the day I drove over there and he got into the Volvo with me. We talked. I knew. But with each email he replies to, the more I realize just HOW different he's really become. Of course, this doesn't change the fact that I am head over heels with Matt. And I am in no way shape or form ever even FLIRTING with the idea of leaving Matt for Noah ever again, but dude, I think Noah is for real this time. And that scares the shit out of me. I was talking to Matt today and Matt admitted Noah prolly DOES love me more than he {Matt}does. Which got me wondering what the fuck. If the guy I'm in love with is telling me another guy loves me more then why am I completely in love with former guy and completely platonic with latter guy? Cuz I am, dammit. I can't change wuts in my heart. But my heart is becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of Noah getting in it again. I think this is the most mature thing Matt has ever said in the whole time we have been dating and I hope he doesn't get upset about me quoting it... MattGenuineDraft: the only thing that would make him happy is for me to let go of you MattGenuineDraft: and for you to fully give him a chance again MattGenuineDraft: and forgive him MattGenuineDraft: and be willing to dive in MattGenuineDraft: iono MattGenuineDraft: he prob does love you more than me MattGenuineDraft: or somthin MattGenuineDraft: iono MattGenuineDraft: and if he did change he would prob treat you better MattGenuineDraft: or somthin MattGenuineDraft: mer Matt is right. Noah does love me MORE. But is that what matters? I've always thought Noah is the One. But I had finally learned to accept the fact that "The One" doesn't want me. So I found someone else who might not be The One but OMG he's so fucking adorable and I love him so much. I don't know if it has anything to do with my newfound superficiality... Matt happens to be the only guy I've ever dated that I found gorgeous BEFORE I fell for him or started dating him or got to know him period. With every single other guy I've dated or loved or meant anything to me, I've never found them attractive until I knew their personality... and their personality made them gorgeous/hot/sexy/whichever to me. And Matt is different cuz I thought he was hella cute before I even knew his name. Cuz when I saw Noah I was like.. ew. Which is HORRIBLE. And I'm not usually LIKE that but OMG that went through my head. EW. Just like that. Ugh. I was so happy to see him but I was like EW. That is so shitty. I used to think Noah was so hot... sexy... yummy... etc... But when I saw him I was not attracted. He'd shaved his head. I never liked that look on anyone before. But I did find something sexy... his black nail polish... OMG that's hot. Yeah... So I think I might be so in love with Matt and so unable to leave him EVER because I think he's hot and I love fucking him. He's got a great dick. Wow. I can't believe I'm talking about this. Yeah I remember making love with Noah was always so amazing. And when he asked if we could make love so he could show me how much he loves me I immediately said no because I had no interest in it but NOW I wonder if all that amazing chemistry and connection is still there. I remember just pouring our hearts out into each other without ever saying a word. THAT is what made it great sex. My relationship with Matt is almost completely physical... He hates talking to me cuz I make him think... He hates communicating period and I feel like the stifles our relationship and impedes any progress or growth. Anytime I want to discuss something important he gets all edgy and irritated or frustrated and starts accusing the topic of being bullshit. I still wouldn't leave him, though. I always have and always will grant the people I love benefit of the doubt and my unconditional love. Afterall, he is just a kid, isn't he? Immature little kid who hates to communicate but loves sex and drinking and boobs. Well, I love sex and drinking and boobs... but I also love... building and growing and thriving and just... progressing... I truly wish he someday grows up and realizes how important communication is in a relationship. I think if I had opened up more to Noah, maybe he wouldn't have left me? The lack of communication is something that breaks my heart... and sometimes I wanna cut... but I try not to cuz it upsets Matt. He gets upset cuz I hurt his kitty... Ugh. I wish he knew how much he hurts me when he brushes me off and doesn't ever wanna communicate. He told me today that he will always hate communication and he'll never do it. That makes me so sad. So fucking stubborn. I mean... where's the "Grow Up" button on Matt Duncan? I'm going to keep putting off the wedding until he does grow up. Because a marriage with bad communication is no marriage at all... My parents are going through shit right now... Neither of them either LISTENED to each other. They both did their own thing. Looked out for number one. Well Matt is number one to me... Not Kat. And I wish I could be number one to him. Noah would be able to do that. Put me first. As would I for him. He'd love me like I've always loved him before in our relationships. He sees things now that I saw then but he couldn't. I really think he's different. And it's so weird to be able to even think about having this dream again. The "Spending the rest of my life with Noah" dream. The one that I gave up on because Noah disappeared. It's like... floating about now, this dream, and though I can see it, it can't touch me. Matt's got my heart. And I don't think he's gonna give it up just yet. So long as Matt loves me or believes he loves me, so long as I can keep trying to help him communicate, help him grow up, I will have my little bubble and that dream of being with Noah again can't faze me. The positive thing is, all the pain isn't there anymore either. I KNOW the pain, I remember the pain, but I no longer feel it. I don't hurt when I think of Noah's and my love long passed. It doesn't hurt when I remember his blocking me, all my desperate phone calls to him... etc... the past doesn't hurt anymore. The present does a little. The more recent run in with him when he was at UCLA and I had thought we were gonna be happy... cuz he promised me we were gonna be happy... After that... Not even 24 hours after telling me we would be happy and have a future and be together he told me that he never wanted to see me again and that I made him suicidal and he doesn't wanna be suicidal cuz it would be the ultimate regression. That still hurts a little. But not when I think about it. It hurt when I was tellin Noah about it. Things still hurt when I talk to Noah about painful memories. And the poignant nostalgia isn't so poignant anymore either. They are just memories now. Like Richie or Abel or Brian Seekatz. If me and Matt ever do get a divorce, which we prolly will someday if he really won't communicate... I don't know. I really don't know what I'd do. I will know when I come to it. I might have more choices then. I mean, I could kill myself and just not ever have to deal with heartbreak ever again. Or I could actively pursue Noah and finish what we started... actually finish... I may find happily ever after with Noah. But I want happily ever after with Matt. I just wish he'd communicate. I don't hafta wear a jacket anymore I don't think. My scars aren't red anymore and not so prominent. I don't think ppl will notice them. But I still carry a sweater around just in case. I was picking at them and they sorta hurt a tiny little bit. It made me think of Noah and when we were talking about all that old pain. Like picking at my scars... and feeling pain. *sigh* I wish there were two alternate realities. So one Kat can go live happily ever after with Noah. And I can stay here and work on Matt and love him with all my heart and soul and marry him and watch him grow up into a great man. Noah thinks I'm making the wrong choice. But I'm really not. I was in love with Noah and he didn't want me. So now I am in love with Matt and Matt does want me. In comparison, the quality of my love with Noah is greater but the quantity of love with Matt is greater. But I think it's cuz Matt doesn't make me feel like my mother. But then... I am less like my mother now than I was with Noah. Poor Noah... I put him through so much shit. I wish we could be together now if only to show him what a not-so-shitty person I've become. But alas, my heart is in the hands of a sweet lil 18 year old boy who hates to think and talk but loves to make me laugh and feel like the kid I could never be growing up. He's freed me in some respects. Freed me from my own personal maturity prison. And I only have one demon now. That demon is my mother. And she's not gonna die, but I will tame that beast one day, too. Speaking of me as a kid... I used to eat my scabs, because I wanted it to be inside me, because strangely enough, at the age of 6 I knew that pain does shape who a person is and I knew the pain was going to play a part of the thing that was and will be ME. I didn't want to lose a part of myself. In retrospect: EW!!! GROSS!!! Lol. No more scab pickin. I can't see Noah anymore. At least, not until I can learn to lie anyway. Damn my honesty to my boyfriends.... DAMN THAT. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .