Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
star-shaped Post-It notes
May 04, 2004 ~ 8:37 AM
In the past few days I've sometimes felt that I've gotten myself into something I might not want to continue. And yet I repeatedly go through the pain and the heartache and frustration to continue it. I'm trying so fucking hard to make me and Matt work but it's almost impossible. He's very very stubborn. Heh. Sounds like someone I used to know. I'm still a bit headstrong now. I try not to take shit from anyone. And I realize I take a lot of shit from Matt. He delegates who I can see, what I can wear, what I can't put into my body. And I just take it from him. I want him to grow up. But I'm not sure if my obedience is benefiting his growth at all. It may even be stunting it. He's really trying though. He's even gonna let me see Noah. Sure I had to beg him to. And I had to do a whole lot of convincing and explaining, but in the end he agreed. Let's not tell him that Noah doesn't wanna see ME anymore. Lol. Matt convinced me to move back up north. Do I wanna? Fuck no. But I think it'll be better for Noah and better for Matt. *sigh* Noah gave me some star shaped post it notes and I wrote down driving directions on it. That's wut I use it for now. It's good stuff. I'm driving to Santa Maria to see Matt today. We're meeting halfway. Well... 189 miles for him and 191 for me but isn't that always how it ends up? I was on the freeway yesterday and I saw an ad for the most wonderful thing in the world, they were star shaped cheeses from Sargento. I was like OMG. That's awesome. That's my cheese. Screw the moon shaped ones... it's all about the star ones. Noah is less and less determined to get me back. I don't know if I like that or not. I can't really ask him to wait for me. Yeah could I get a raincheck on the undying love of yours? Ugh. I'm such a piece of shit sometimes. I wish him happiness. I mean, I wish he hadn't told me he never wanted to see me again, but NOW I wish him any happiness he can get without me. Cuz I honestly did not think I could ever find happiness with out Noah. Here I am fighting to keep this happiness that isn't with Noah. I had fought harder to keep Noah and it hadn't worked. But then it was because I really didn't know how to fight for his love. I shouldn't have had to. I shouldn't have fucked it up in the first place. I'm glad to say I didn't fuck anything up with Matt. He's just a bit obstinate. Add on those jealous green eyes and his animosity towards my past and you've got a little boy that puts up one hell of a fight uninstigated. Hell, I'll fight for him. That's why I'm going to see him today. Internet and telephone calls can't cut it. It's gotta be one on one for genuine connection. I need to hold him in my arms again to be able to hold our relationship together. I can't let the 380 miles between us kill this. I can't lose another love of my life.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....