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So Taman is human. I'm not.
May 04, 2003 ~ 5:08 PM
Or at least he is when it benefits him. Yeah so Chelsea and Eric kicked me out for the weekend. Fersan couldn't help me get my bed. So... no where to sleep. Paul from DOC came and chilled with me. And threw himself at me. I feel bad for his girlfriend. She loves him. I told him no. And no. And no. And no. I was so proud of myself for not giving in. He did kiss me though. He got me. Darn. So after Paul's botched attempt to cheat on his girlfriend by seducing me, he gave me a ride up onto campus so I could look for somewhere to crash. Everyone decided to go home for the weekend. Nice. So of course, as a last resort: my dear friend Andrew. Poor guy. He couldn't sleep at all and he ended up sleeping in the lounge on the couch and letting me have his bed... I felt so bad I couldn't sleep. We went to Crown to eat... then went back to his room. I played Civ a lot. Lol. Damned Persians and their fucking Immortals! Ugh. I hate those things. Then we went to eat dinner. I got back to Civ of course. Lol. Iono. I just like that game, okay? Me and Andrew had a long talk. He's the first person that's been able to understand my wanting to die. He told me he thought about it a lot and he thinks, on one hand, that I should just kill myself since I am suffering and I do want to die. If I'm miserable and that's what I really want, that's what I should do... But then towards the end of the conversation, he told me that he didn't want me to die because he loves life too much. He looked like he wanted to cry. {I'd already been crying cuz of course Noah was brought up} And right before I went off to find someplace else to sleep cuz I didn't wanna bother Andrew anymore although he would have been perfectly fine with it, I asked him if he would be disappointed in me if I killed myself. He told me that he would not be angry or disappointed, that he would just be really really sad... And in my mind I told him that I am really really sad right now. But is it worth it? Making my pain and my sadness go away at the expense of others? That used to be such a moral dilemna for me. Now I just don't give a fuck anymore. I walked down the stairs with tears streaming down my face. So I'm going around looking for someplace to crash and there really was no one that I knew well enough to ask to stay with them... So I got the bright idea to get my egg-crate and just sleep on the floor in my room. It's too bad my room is hardwood floor but I woulda survived, you know? So then I just needed to find a ride to Chelsea and Eric's so I could grab my egg-crate and then a ride to 215 Ross Street. I dunno why I went by Noah's room... he's completely moved out. He left the candle I got for him and the purple towel I gave him. I couldn't stay there long. I went upstairs to find Kung Fu Eric, shedding yet more tears for Noah Dekkers. He was out of it and asleepish so he couldn't give me a ride. So I headed out and planned on going to Daniel's at College Nine and I see Justin vrooming in on his Yamaha motorcycle. I asked him if he knows anyone with a car. He has a car. So he gives me a ride and we talk and he takes me to Santa Cruz Diner for something to eat. I cried a lot last night. Me and Justin were basically talking about Noah all night. Justin's really cool. Very sympathetic cuz he thinks he's felt the same before. I didn't try making him understand why my situation is not like his; I just let him comfort me. He spoke to me in Mandarin a lot. Like he just switches from one language to the other like what I do when I speak to my parents. He told me I could crash in his room. So we go to my house for my things and back to College Ten I go. I forgot that Taman is Justin's roomate. Lol. When we got back it was real dark and we were just really quiet. I was out of it last night and I forgot that Taman's first name is James which is what it sez on the slug on his bulletin board. Lol. So Justin let me sleep in his bed and he slept on my egg-crate on the floor. {What's with me and kicking guys out of their beds} I was freaked out when the first thing I saw when I woke up was half-naked Taman asking me for a lighter. LOL. Wow, what a stoner. Wake up at 10 AM and smoke a bowl. Nice. So we all go eat and then we went to check out the waves cuz they both love to surf and I realized that Taman is not as bad as I thought he was. His aura is still real shady... but he just got dumped by the girl he'd been dating for almost a month. So he was super sweet and sad... and he was nice. He's still Taman, though. Lol. Still the same aura he just seemed more human. Yeah, I let him fuck me. I don't know why. Made me think of Adam Geller. Who I let fuck me for a whole month to help him get over his ex whom he was in love with. Was. I worked. Dirty. I feel dirty. I hate myself even more now. Lost respect for myself. Whatever I had, it was crushed by a few sweet words and a gentle bite. Taman had to go and seem human. He only did that, show his "softer" side, cuz he wanted to fuck me. I knew it. I don't know why I let it go so far. I felt like crying afterwards. He didn't last long. Lol. Typical. And after he came he got dressed, called a friend, and left to sell weed. So now I'm alone in his room typing on his computer. I think I do these things because I hate myself and I know it hurts me. Or maybe it's because I wanna hurt Noah. Maybe I'm subconciously doing it so that Noah won't ever take me back. So I'll never get hurt like that again? I need to think of a way to kill myself without a gun. There's no way anyone will sell me a gun. But I want to DIE. You know? I don't wanna be able to be saved. I want this to be over. My parents keep calling me and begging me to go home. That's not gonna work, mommy, daddy. It's just not. I'm staying here. I'm gonna die physically where I died emotionally and mentally. Where my heart got shot to pieces. I think I've cried more in the past three weeks than I had in the last three years I lived with my parents. Though in this case it's self inflicted... the pain. I shouldn't have fallen in love with me. I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have believed when he promised not to break my heart. Now I'm just fucked, huh. I've become a hateful little bitch. And I know it. And I don't care. And a curse like a fucking sailor. It's sorta funny that I still won't smoke weed. And I still won't cut myself. But James Taman Davies with his blonde hair and green eyes... I never imagined I'd ever let him touch me, let alone fuck me. GO FIGURE. I'm so heartbroken. I miss Noah. I miss being alive. I miss being in love. I miss... loving. I miss feeling in awe when I watch the ocean or look at the stars. I miss falling asleep with the comfort of Noah's scent and heat. I miss everything but most of all I miss my heart. I don't wanna make Andrew sad. I don't wanna make anyone sad... But I don't wanna do this anymore. I mean, I can. We all knew from the moment I said I wanted to die that I could just as well live. I ALWAYS land on my feet. Always. I can do it. I could live a full happy life and be a teacher and own a million cats and write books and pet a koala in Australia. But I don't want to. I don't want to anymore. Just sitting here, knowing all the I could become and knowing all of my potential, I still want to die. Justin almost convinced me otherwise. Almost. Well, actually he did and I was going to just live life; feel the pain; cry every night; and die inside everytime I see anything that has to do with Noah and do that for longer than a month and a few weeks. Then for some weird reason I let Taman fuck me. I could have tried harder saying no. Of course I could have. I had to tell Paul no a million times and Paul's aura is ten times cleaner than Taman's. Afterwards Taman got sorta worried/annoyed cuz I looked like I wanted to cry. I'm not mad at him. I'm just mad at myself. Disappointed in myself. I'm not a good person. I used to be. But I'm no longer a good person in any way that I would define it. Like I said, I'm a bitch now. I'm lying to my friends again. Telling them that I'm okay and not telling them that I'm dying inside and I wanna die outside, too. Noah's sister says that I'm being manipulative because I keep playing the suicide card. Lol. This isn't a game to me. I'm not bluffing. This ain't fucking poker. And I was just being honest with my emotions to my friends cuz they were all concerned. And now I'm lying to them. I don't feel bad for lying to them. They don't wanna know that their friend that they care about wants to die. So I'm not gonna tell them. I don't understand why she thinks I'm being manipulative... prolly cuz she talks to Noah. She is naturally on his side. I was just being honest. I'm just being hurt and heartbroken. That and a fucking bitch. I now instigate wars. Lol. In Civ. Kitch. Well Noah is a fucking asshole. Look, he's created a monster. Lol. I think about catching birds, and squeezing the life out of them. Makes me think of Mice and Men when Lenny would kill all those animals cuz he didnt' know his own strength. Well I do. And I could easily kill a bird by squeezing it. If I tried. My Thimann fish... I've thought about putting a bunch of salt in the water. And watch them twitch and suffocate then float to the surface. Mean, huh. That's how I feel. I hate myself so much and it's hilarious {and a little disturbing} that I just don't give a fuck. I'm gonna die soon. I can't live like this any longer. You know? Yeah well I'm gonna go try to take a shower then find Andrew and read Chem notes on eRES. Then CIV!!! Kick the shit out of those Persians. Fucking wipe them out. ::evil laff:: lol.
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