Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry gorgeous May 05, 2003 ~ 4:27 AM Back to my computer... my picture of Noah on my desktop. It's my favorite picture of him ever. He just looks so gorgeous and so perfect. Like an angel here to rescue me from hell. He's always gonna be the love of my life. I've decided that I'd prolly have sex with Taman again. lol. I dunno why. Prolly just to piss myself off, you know? He's actually pretty okay in bed. And sorta okay as a person. I'm sure I could bring out better in him. That and he's moving back home to Egypt in 3 months so I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore anyway. I'm not his type. He sure as hell ain't mine. Casual sex. Okay. If he can turn me on, good for him. Guys can't do that anymore. Maybe it's just cuz I've always gone for the bad boys... the ones I have no chance with. If he never wants to fuck again that's fine, too. But if he does, I'll prolly consent. Ech. Shtinky aura. I should do something about it. Work on him. Matt, he needs some self esteem I think... he needs to be less depressed and dark. I'll work on that, too. And I'm gonna write a book. Not my vampire ones; one about my life. It'll be a bad book cuz I'll leave so many things out, but at least it'll be there. I still need to pet a koala in Australia. And I need to make a difference in some kid's life. I've made the decision to do elementary school. Younger kids... maybe I could be better for them... and I'd love to be a counselor for high school kids but that would require my getting into psychology again? Iono what credentials are required to be a high school counselor. I've made a resolution to stop shop-lifting. By the age of 21. Lol. Which means I'm not gonna kill myself on June 22. I love him so much... I wish I could be with him on his birthday when he leaves the teenaged years. I wish I could be with him period. I'd take him back. I would have to. It's the only thing I really want right now aside from death. But it wouldn't be the same. Cuz I wouldn't trust him. I'm never gonna trust anyone like that again. Finally learned my lesson not to trust; granted I had to have my heart ripped out first, but still... lesson learned. Back to casual sex for me. Casual relationships... I remember why I did those. Lol. Duh. So I wouldn't get attached; so I couldn't get hurt. Yeah... I'm such a fucking idiot. I mean, I KNEW what I was doing. And some guy makes a few promises, tells me he's in love with me, and I let him fuck me over. I LET HIM. What the FUCK. Noah is gorgeous. He's my heart. My heart is gorgeous. I don't really like this person I am without my heart. I liked the loving Kat better. But you know what? I'm still Kat. Albeit without my heart. Nonetheless I'm still stubborn as a jackass. Lol. I let the world bring me down. So what? I still land on my feet. Fuck; I still have 4 lives left. That's plenty. Shadow only has 2 left! My poor baby... he needs to stop chasing birds from trees... my silly kitty thinks he can fly or something. I wanted to learn how to fly, and then I was buried alive. So in lieu of the great open sky, I learned how it felt like to die. Pathetically, nightly, I cry; my poignant pain pierces the night. However long it takes will be however long I live. But I'll be stable enough one day. Stable enough that a store can legally sell me a gun! And then I can shoot myself! And then I can finally rest in blissfully painless peace!!! Fuck yeah! Lol. Just kidding. I've decided not to kill myself. Only cuz that's prolly what Noah wants. To just be rid of me forever. Just never see my ugly face again. To bad. Fuck Noah. My friends like to say that. Fuck Noah. I wish I could but I dunno where he is! =D Lol. JK. JK. Ripped my heart out and left me here to bleed to death. I could do that. Or I could also do PCP. In which case I'd be too charged up to even notice the big gaping hole in my chest! Yes I've gotten my smell back. My lips are getting better, too. Not as chapped. And yes, once again I will emit traces of humor. Twisted. Ugh. I so hate the person that I am now. Like, with a passion. I'm such a fucking ugly person now. At least I used to be pretty on the inside. Lol. I can hate myself. I've done it before. I dealt. Hey if some Colombine copy-cats put a gun to my head and asked if I believe in god I'd still say yes. Don't get me wrong, death would be my number one choice. But I figure I could die when people all hate me. When people realize that I'm different. And that I'm a bitch now with no sympathy and no compassion who doesn't give a fuck who they hurt and how much. Hey, I'll be like Noah! =D Fun stuff. Um.. no, I wasn't kidding that time. Lol. {wow, that was amazing, I just downed 500 mL of water in less than a minute} I wonder, if I'd died, if Andrew and Noah and Ricky would cry. Three of the most important people that I loved who just happen to not cry. Well, Noah wouldn't. Cuz he wouldn't know I died. Duh. Mother fucker. He just assumes I will. Lol. Andrew can't cry. But I wonder if he would if I died. Would he still love life so much? And Ricky: dear Ricky who would prolly still be in love with me if I hadn't rejected him so adamantly, he prolly would cry. Ricky who used to be in the trenchcoat gang, who's killed people, who's trained people to kill people, who's ordered people to kill people... I really think that he just might cry for me. Abel would. For sure. He's a hard ass and he sez he ain't never gonna shed a tear for a girl again but he'd cry if I died. I guess I'll never know. I miss Noah. My gorgeous heart. My Noah. I am so ugly now. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .