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Botched suicide
May 06, 2004 ~ 8:18 AM
Damn Moo. Damn her and her meowing and her scratching at the door.
I was crying last night while I slowly bled to death. {Don't think about it, it's gross.} And Moo decides to gimme a dose of reality. Which sucked. Cuz last night- I was so ready to die. To just leave it all behind. You know. Matt would rather I die, than have to go to a new school and make new friends. Yeah... I asked him to move down here... to save me maybe. Cuz all of this is to much for me. No communication. We have too much drama and he keeps saying how much he hates talking on the phone and how much he hates communicating. Throw Noah's presence into the mix and you've got a whole lotta shit that needed to be talked about. Throw my sister's opinion into there and you've got all hell breaking loose inside a very small little Kat. I was just tired of waiting. Waiting for him to change. He keeps saying that he's trying. But he constantly regresses. One minute he's okay and the next day he's not again. And he hates talking about any of it. Which doesn't help solve anything. I mean, I'm on the phone with him trying to work on our relationship and he's telling me how much he hates talking to me on the phone. He'd rather talk on AIM but's it's so impersonal and he's the one always taking things I say the wrong way on AIM cuz he can't hear my tone or he'll misread something and blow up at me. I mean, if he didn't do that so often and get pissed at ME I'd prolly be better with talking bout important things on AIM. I got really frustrated. And just... Ugh. You know how I get. No Prozac makes Kitty a bit... off balance in the seratonin area. So after Matt hangs up on me because he doesn't wanna tell me why my life is less important than him staying at a school where he knows people and has friends already, I fully plan on just letting myself bleed. Filled up a cup or three with nice warm blood before Moo decided to reality checkify me. And then I remembered my lil sis and how there was no one to take her to school in the morning. Not how I wanna die. Very very irresponsible. And then there was Matt. Never seeing Matt again. HURTING MATT. So I stopped the blood with an insane amount of tissues and I went to Jen's room and cried. Because Matt had his phone off and Noah had his phone off and they were the only two I wanted to talk to. Jen freaked out about the cuts on my wrist but I think it just looked worse than it is. And I took her to school this morning. But I'm still light-headed from losing blood so I couldn't walk the dog. I'm sure she needs to shit the poor thing. I'm gonna go sleep the day away because I don't think I can stay erectified any longer. I can barely walk. But my theory was right about driving, I was still able to drive alright even though I barely was able to get on my feet without swooning. Heh. Like when I'm drunk. My driving was perfect. In light of the fact that Matt let me DIE because he didn't want to go to a new school and make new friends... why am I still so in love with him? Why do I still wanna be with him? Why do I still wanna spend the rest of my fucking life, however long it is, with HIM? Jen is all with the "I told you so" she thinks I should have chosen Noah. But this just makes me wanna try even harder with Matt. Make him love me dammit. He made me fall in love with him... why can't I make him fall in love with me? I try to be a good girlfriend... I'm obedient enough and I try to please him any way I can. I suppose I've failed miserably. I wonder if I even have a chance to keep trying to make my precious little boy fall in love with me... ? My sister will hate me for it. But I'll try to get back with Matt. She'll prolly kill me. But it won't happen if it's not meant to be. Trust me, I've tried. Whether it be responsibility or a surfer in the dark, something always makes sure I live. Now the question is, do I still have the boy I wanna spend the rest of my life with?
I don't have my Diaryland Gold Membership anymore so here this is. If I still had my Gold Membership this entry would be in my private journal folder and you wouldn't be able to read it. But alas... no more Gold. So here you go. Tada.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....