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*sir, I'd like to put my heart and my entire life on FAITH please*
May 07, 2004 ~ 8:41 AM
So not only is Noah no longer in love with me but he doesn't want to be my friend anymore either. LOLOLOLOL. Which makes me wonder if my "best friend" had only wanted to be my friend in hopes of getting me back which wasn't gonna happen. I guess Matt was right about Noah all along. I wish I hadn't had so much faith in his unconditional love/friendship whatever. Cuz I feel stupid now. Noah keeps stressing the fact that I had a choice... That I have a choice in EVERYTHING no matter what it is. No matter what the situation or ramifications. That and that Matt has changed me a lot. Into something he {Noah} can't love. Pointed out I was very adaptive. {Course I am why u think I watch TV and play video games and have no social life whatsoever anymore... MATT} Mer. I'm not the Kat that Noah fell in love with... I think in my own way I tried to let him know that. I told him to get to know me first, then tell me if he's still in love with me. I honestly don't mind that Matt has changed me... My own personality still does shine through sometimes. But I do mind that Matt has changed me into someone that none of my friends or even my sister recognize if he doesn't want me anymore. See I'm willing to be whatever he wants me to be. Sex kitten. Video game navigator. TV companion. Teddy bear at night. Pillow. Plaything. Doting wife persona. I offer him my heart and soul and if all he wants is for me to be these things then OKAY. I love him. I'm fine with it. Noah is not. He complains that I used to be such a free spirit. My sister argues that I am basically in chains. A prisoner. At least I am a prisoner of LOVE now and not of self-hatred. [WOW that was HELLA corny!!! lol] Matt has taught me that I don't have to be the five year old that found out not ALL parents beat the shit outta their kids. Or the 6-16 year old basically raising her 3-13 year old younger sister because her parents were too busy working their asses off making money in a country which they have just barely grasped the language. Or the girl who had to stay on top of her school work to please her parents, while her mind was falling apart. Or the person selling and taking meth just to get by. {Full-time high school, full-time community college, full-time tutor [took ~53 hours out of each week]} I didn't have to be that fragile girl who got her heart ripped out of her, drowning in torrents of pain. Or the girl who lost all her faith in love due to the fact that she unwillingly lost her virginity before marriage just because she wasn't strong enough to push someone off of her{If Noah tells me THAT was my fucking CHOICE I will lose any and all respect I have EVER had for him}. Or the light of everyone's life- the girl who tried so fucking hard to make every single person in her life happy. I wanna spend the rest of my life making Matt happy. And making ME happy. Cuz him happy does make me happy, ya know? And I don't care how many people tell me that my relationship with Matt is a farce or that he doesn't love me at all... I know what I feel when I'm lying in his arms. Even in 99 degree heat in a small, unventilated car. I know my heart jumps when I see him and I have a reason to SMILE. I refuse to lose my little boy. THAT is my choice, Noah. Noah's all about choice right now. Me, I believe in destiny. The Boardwalk was the only place that hired me out of dozens of apps I turned in. They were gonna put me in a ticket booth but changed their minds last minute [they had already finished filling out a card for me and then whited it out] and switched me to games because I was too perky to be stuck in a ticket booth all day. I got off work that one day when Matt was in Skee-roll arcade, I happened to walk through instead of around or I never woulda seen him. They scheduled me and Matt for the same game a few days in a row. Noah says it was my choice to fall in love with Matt. That I made the decision to train myself to fall in love with Matt... I had never expected to fall in love with Matt. As a matter of fact, I hadn't wanted to fall in love with Matt cuz I was so scared of heartbreak. I hadn't wanted to fall in love with anyone at all. Noah sorta turned me off of love. It's so ironic that Noah finally got over me when I decided to block him out and now that he's over me I prolly wouldn't even hafta anymore. Ha. Life is really a piece of shit, ain't it. And then people yell at me when I wanna flush it. My choice was for the greater good. To stop hurtin NOAH. To stop hurting MATT. To stop hurting ME cuz it was killing me to hurt both of them. And now, Noah doesn't even wanna be my friend. He is right, though. I'm not the same person. Me and Noah used to have heated arguments over my guy friends and hanging out with them and drinking with them etc. I NEVER backed down. And I always won. I kept my guy friends. My love for my friends always won. With Matt... I was too scared to lose him. I was tired of fighting period. So I gave into him willingly. I lost the will to fight the fight because my love with Matt is more important. I gave up my guy friends for him. My guy friends being my ONLY friends. Without a question, I estranged every single one of my friends... Even Isaac now that he's got his pants back...Abel. Now Noah. Josh must be wondering where I am. He doesn't have my new cell number. And he knows I'm down here. So yeah... Matt said that I treat him bad. And the only reason he came up with was the fact that I wouldn't block Noah out of my life. That is where he needed to grow up. He needed to see Noah as my friend and not as a threat to him. But I was tired of hurting everybody anyway. And I wanted my sister to lose the hope of my getting back with Noah. I had already made the decision to block out Noah but I asked Matt if he wanted me to do it anyway. I figured it would work towards my advantage if Matt thought I was doing it just for him. Though I was doing it for myself and Noah, also. And maybe Jen. Jen was very hopeful. Cuz she thinks that me and Matt are wrong for each other. He drags MY maturity down. And he can't have a relationship with me if he doesn't grow up n he doesn't seem to wanna. But he was trying. I had to grow up fast; I had no choice. [Yes, Noah, in case you are reading this, I HAD NO FUCKIN CHOICE] Matt has the choice and he's allowed to take his sweet time if he wants. Just not about communication. Communication is crucial to ANY relationship. It's almost pathetic how his parents do not know the inner workings of their son at all. Any conversation he has with them is disassociated and disinterested. Unless it's with his dad about football and that's not what I mean. That boy just has TERRIBLE communication skills. I mean, my parents don't know me either, but then I don't want them to. Cuz if they already know enough of me to be able to fuck with me and manipulate me into doing things like MOVING DOWN TO LA, what would they be able to accomplish if they knew everything? I would be SO fucked. I don't trust my parents. I know they love me lots and lots. But it doesn't mean I have to trust them. Matt told me his parents read one of my diary entries and then accused me of BASHING him on the internet. Ridiculous. Anyone who reads my diary knows I'm completely in love with that boy. And when I say he is an immature little kid who can't communicate worth shit, it's stating a fucking fact. I am STATING A FACT. Everyone sees it. And if they don't, or if they do and find me offensive anyway, then I've lost respect for them too. Just because he is their son does not mean he is FLAWLESS. And just because he has flaws and I recognize them does not mean I am trying to INSULT him or "BASH" him in any way. I love that kid more than anything in this whole fucking world. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. It means no matter what flaws he has, I love him anyway. In any case, his immaturity is only bad sometimes. When he doesn't communicate. When he doesn't understand that he's not the only person who needs FRIENDS. I need friends too, especially when I don't have Matt and Matt hates talking to me. And I love the internet cuz I can get in touch with all kinds of ppl but it's so IMPERSONAL. He's my boyfriend... I wanna hear his voice so I can imagine him on the other side of the tele and make up his facial expressions and body language for him. It feels closer. and most of the time, that childish little kid persona is adorable and it's one of the things I love the MOST about him. I even think his stubborness is adorable most of the time. Cept when it hurts me. You know how that goes. I won't lose Matt. I refuse to. Especially not now. Especially not with my mom coming back today, tonight, or tomorrow. No, no, no, no no no no no no nonononononononononononoooooooooooooooo. NO. The WORLD is WRONG. He has to love me. If he didn't, he wouldn't get cheese pizza instead of pepperoni. He wouldn't play Maximo whenever I want- just because I wanna watch... no matter how tired he is. He wouldn't talk the night away with me, just to make me feel better and feel loved- even though he has school and work the next day. He wouldn't drive six hours down to be with me for two days just to drive six hours back to make it to school the next day. He wouldn't have given me Hershey's sundae Pies and licky-lickies. He wouldn't have agreed to move down to LA... a place we BOTH hate. He wouldn't have agreed to meet me halfway in Santa Maria at the drop of a hat. And I don't think he would have asked me to marry him if he didn't love me. I want him to still come down on the 15th to see me. He claims that he doesn't love me and doesn't feel anything for me at all. That's easy to say while yer 400 miles away, ain't it? I want him to hold me in his arms and then tell me to my FACE that he doesn't feel anything. If he doesn't, I will be shattered and I'll be left heartbroken and alone... again. But I am not scared. I know that he'll feel something because there IS something there. And he won't tell me he doesn't feel anything because he loves me. I'm putting this all on faith. We're gonna get married. And be happy, dammit. My unconditional love for this adorable little boy is NOT going to be tamped down or stamped out. And he will love me. Or I will spend the rest of my life making him fall in love with me. We are gonna get through this. We have to.
On a completely different and random note, here, I took Sunshine to an empty field/lot thing to tromp around this morning. And there was a bird[1] on the the power line above me making the strangest chirpy clicky noises. It was so cute cuz it was all fluffing itself up and shaking it's feathers. And then another bird[2] flew onto the same power line and sat next to it and they sorta chirped at each other for a bit. And then this OTHER bird[3] came and sat down on the power line a foot across the one bird[1] and bird[2] were socializing on and HE[3] started making all kinds of weird chirping, clicky, opera sounding noises. And bird[1] got REALLY upset over this and flew over to flutter and peck at bird[3]. Lol. But bird[3] wouldn't back down. That bird juss stood his ground, man with bird[1] trying to kick his ass and such bird[3] was juss sitting there, pecking back, never leaving the power line. Bird[2] I guess was unimpressed by the petty quibbling of the now apparent male birds and she flew away. And bird[1] gave up and landed on his now empty power line, fluffed up and flew the opposite direction bird[2] had gone. And then bird[3] had reign of the power lines and he juss sat there chirping and clicking and crooning his fluffy lil heart out up there. Then he took a huge shit which landed barely a foot away from me. Lol. So I grabbed Sunshine and I got her into the back of the car. When I looked back up, the birdie was gone and the power line seemed SO desolate...
And now speaking of birds, my gramma on my dad's side found a baby love bird alone in her yard. It is so cute. She gave it to my aunt Ava. They were all scared it would die cuz love birds die of heartbreak once they fall in love and lose their bird mate. But this love bird is hella hyper and is terrified of humans but seems happy enough. So we think it just hasn't ever been in love yet. Good for it! Sometimes I wish I haven't ever been in love yet. It woulda saved me HELLA heartbreak. [broken heart]
My mom just called to tell me she wants to come home today and I am to go get her after I've picked up my sister. GAH!!! NO!!!!!!!!! I can see double suicide happening. Yes, she is that bad. And yes, Jen DOES feel the same way. It's something that we DO agree upon. I just need Matt... And I'll be fine... =( I don't know if I can wait until the 15th to see him again. To see if he loves me. My mom might make it so I am unable to last that long. God, I don't think June has ever felt this far away... not even during this time of MY senior year. I wish with all my heart that Matt was here right now. My mom tends to remind me why I've wanted to die since I was 9. Matt reminds me I DO have reasons to stay alive.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....