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um... kay. i got high.
May 08, 2003 ~ 12:54 AM
So I guess I'm sorta dating Ben now. I'm really not too sure about my situation with him. So he likes me. And I like him. A whole lot. And he's an okay kisser. Doesn't last any more than 2 minutes having sex but it's okay. That's not too important. I seem to annoy him though. Just a little. And I sorta want his housemate. Lol. His housemate Nick has such pretty hair. He's pretty good looking {but has a scar on his face}. So is Ben, though. Ben is very god looking. His last name is Cumming. Now that's just awesome. Lol. I think maybe he thinks I'm moving too fast or something. I really have no clue. But he's sorta backing off and stuff. He doesn't want me to see other people. And he's not gonna see other people. I don't wanna get hurt anymore. You know how I never wanted to hurt people? Well I don't give a fuck anymore. I'd rather hurt them than have them hurt me. I dunno what I'm gonna do about Ben really. I mean, he's pretty awesome. I got high last night for the first time well... in forever. Lol. I didn't even touch the blunt. Lol. He did, then he kissed me and blew it into my mouth and stuff. Four fat hits. Man. That totally killed me. Lol. And having had 6 shots of Jack Daniel's before. It was a good feeling. I thought I was dreaming the whole fucking time. I was like, dude, when am I gonna wake up? My life has been such a nightmare that I always expect to wake up in Noah's arms and go... oh, it was just a dream. Lol. Fucking nightmare. I think I'm gonna start smoking weed again. I'm might start cutting myself again, too. {I want to so badly sometimes. The emotional pain is too much sometimes.} And doing drugs. I'm definitly gonna start smoking weed again, though. Ben's always got a ton of the stuff around. I'm so damned giggly when I'm high. Lol. Eh. It was fun. Ben is a dealer. He's a local. He sells to the high school kids. What the hell. It's weird cuz Ben basically has the same body type and stature as Noah. A few inches shorter, but by touch, him and Noah are almost identical. Noah's got a nicer body and a bigger penis. Lol. I'd still rather fuck Noah than anyone else. Noah's way better in bed. Well, then there's Matty. I want to have sex with Matty again. Just to see. Cuz I mean, if making love with Noah could make Sexy Andrew seem shitty in bed, that's understandable. But if Matty can't please me... oh boy. I'm just fucked. And not the literal way, either. I mean, if I can't enjoy sex anymore? That'd be horrible! I LOVE sex. I love the feelings and the intimacy and the connection and the openness. I like having sex with Ben. God I still love Noah so much. Sometimes I think about him. About him touching me and licking me and kissing me and nibbling on me. Kissing me and kissing me. Everywhere. I mostly just miss the light in his eyes when I do something that makes him laugh. Brings tears to mine. And weighs down my chest. I can't ever fall in love again. Not even with Noah. I no longer have that ability. I no longer have the faith. I no longer have the heart. I saw a cat chasing a mouse tonight near Ben's place. At first I was like, oh, poor mouse. And I wanted to save it. Then it hissed at me and I got pissed at it and kicked it towards the cat. I'm sure the thing's dead by now. No guilt. No remorse. Nothing. I miss Noah. I miss loving. I miss Kat. I called Abel tonight. Random thinkage of him. I don't love him anymore either. I almost called Charlie to check, and Daniel. I didn't but I know it would have been the same. I don't really love. I try so fucking hard to be like how I used to be. I still try to like the things I used to like and get excited about the things I used to get excited about and I still tell people I love the things I used to love. But I don't. And that's just it. I can't. I try so fucking hard to get that Kat back... the one I liked... the one I thought I could someday love. I hate the person I am now. I don't want a boyfriend. You know why? Cuz I'd prolly cheat on him, that's why. Cuz I don't give a fuck. And no one deserves to be cheated on. But then that decision was made more out of guilt and not compassion. The only reason why I wouldn't get a boyfriend is not cuz I give a fuck about hurting his it's that I'm trying so fucking hard to try to be my old self and I think I owe myself that much. But I'm not my old self. Even if I try to think like my old self and do things accordingly. I'll prolly end up with a boyfriend. I'll prolly cheat on him and I'll prolly like it. Sometimes it sucks being able to see situations so objectively. It is saddening sometimes. And if I were a character in a book I would hate that character. Ugh. Have I mentioned that I hate myself again? More than I did before. Just the person that I am and stuff? I have four lives left. Four. I've died 5 times. I think I'm gonna make a new screen name. NoahDekkersSux. Lol. I miss love. I miss normalcy. I miss.. passion and focus. I don't even hate my parents with a passion anymore. No more passion. Everything is such a blur. No more life. I'm not living. I'm just here. And fucking whoever has a better aura than me. JK. Lol. I've reinstated my No dating anyone born after 1981 rule. That's for after Ben gets bored of me, though. I think he may keep me for a while despite the fact that I'm subconciously trying to push him away. Fuck. I'm being clingy so he'll back off. I'm pushing him away. Lol. So that's it. I knew I musta done something cuz he seemed so interested at first. I think that I'm gonna hafta go after Matty. He's 25 now. His birthday was in April. I think that I may just unlock my diary again. Or give out passwords again. Iono. I still want to die. Well, let's see how it goes with Matty. Then we'll see if I wanna die even more. I mean, if I can't enjoy making love, I can't enjoy anything, huh! Life already sucks ass and I already don't think it's worth living. There's nothing wrong with wanting to die. I have good reason. I have no reasons to live. I mean, I wanna pet a koala in Australia. But that's no reason. It really doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Um... I think I should hate Noah. He killed me. I liked who I used to be and he killed me. Fake. I feel like such a fake. I'm trying so hard to be that person again. But that person was all love and this person I am now... knows true love doesn't exist. This person hasn't got a heart and doesn't give a fuck. Haha. That's not funny. It's really not. I want to cry.
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