Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry affirmations... May 10, 2004 ~ 1:06 PM I'm scared that Matt's love for me is based on sex. Cuz he loved me again last night, after some hot phone sex... lame, I know.. but FUN. And yeah, when I asked him earlier that day... if he loved me he told me he was nervous and he didn't know. But after masterbating with me on the phone he loved me... Ugh. This is sorta making me sick. I don't wanna be loved cuz I'm a good fuck. I wanna be loved cuz I'm ME. He did tell me, though, when I mentioned it, that he wouldn't love me for sex. And he knew how I'd feel about that, me being a girl and not having a penis to think for me... And then he went on about how he'd love to be loved for being great in bed... and to be used for sex... The point is that he understood why I wouldn't. And hopefully he thinks about that before he tells me he loves me. He goes back and forth between loving me and feeling nothing for me... Is that right? He has to come down here. If he doesn't, I don't know WHAT I'll do! I just have to know if he really loves me or not. The 400 miles apart isn't helping. I just got a message back from him. omFgnoahsUCKs: me love you... heart. do u love me right now? Auto response from +1831#######: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here +1831#######: No... this is not right... i dont know, cuz some times i am so sure i do and right now i dont feel anything... whats wrong with me??? What's wrong with HIM? What the fuck is wrong with ME? Why can't he love me all the time? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? =( I love this kid so much. I love him unconditionally... Why is there something wrong with HIM if I'M the one who can't be loved? I want to have faith in him so bad. Faith in us. In our future. But I'm so scared. My tummy is all twisted up inside and I can feel my heart in a vise-like grip. I still can't sleep at night. Not well anyway. Every waking moment is dedicated to Matthew George Duncan. I can't lose him. But I think I already did. Love is constant; love is blind; love is trust. Unconditional and always always there. You can't just be in love with someone one night, and not be in the morning. If he loves me he should feel it all the time in his heart. Not just when I'm relieving his sexual frustration. I can't imagine even kissing another boy, let alone fuck another boy. I don't want anyone but Matt. And he has to love me. Cuz he promised me he'd love me forever. And that he'd never leave me. He promised me we'll be happy. That he'd never break my heart. Never. Then why is my heart breaking right now? Why does this hurt so bad? Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .