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Eternity... is such a long time.
May 11, 2004 ~ 11:45 AM
I dunno what to do. It's like... dying.. and going to hell. Or something of the sort. Without my heart... I am nothing. I am not alive. Matt has my heart. Matt IS my heart. It's broken. And breaking still. Matt told me last night he doesn't love me and doesn't want to try anymore. I don't believe him but he seems stuck on it. I do anything he tells me to. Blind acquiesence. Love. I don't mind it. Didn't. I still believe that he'll come on Saturday. He will. I'll be there by 4. Waiting for him. I'll wait there until 5:30 in case the flight was delayed. I'll wait for him. If he doesn't show up though... I'll wait for him in the afterlife. I will die that day if Matt doesn't show up. I'm dying as I type. But that's the night I will completely die inside. Or be completely revitalized. He will realize his love for me as long as he comes. He knows this just as well as I do. I don't think I'm gonna get that job at Nordstroms. I don't have the HEART [haha... that was VERY sardonic] to be perky. Not really in the mood to "wow" anyone. My mom says that I should just make some money and move up to Soquel. I won't do it. I need Matt to come to ME. I need Matt to love ME. I need Matt to miss ME. I need Matt to need ME. I won't go chasing after him. For fear of making him feel trapped. I wasn't even chasing after Noah and Noah thought I was stalking him. And that scared the shit outta him. Enough for him to move 346 miles away. Noah cares about school, too... I coulda tracked him down if need be. Matt... if he hit the road, I dunno where'd he end up. I won't move up there. I can't. I can't afford it. And I can't stand being so close and not being able to BE with him. If dog's terrified enough with it's tail between it's legs and it's trying to hide from you, you don't CHASE it. That's not what you do. You don't force yerself on it. You hafta make it trust you. That's why I wouldn't have stalked Noah. That's why I won't move to Soquel. I can't live without him. I JUST CAN'T. I don't want to. Dammit. I don't. And I won't. Cuz he'll be there. Or I'll wait for him in my next lifetime. I'll wait for him in agonizing eternity. I'm not alive right now. I'm only a shell. Dead inside. Dying more and more each day. "And everyday my heart breaks more from hopelessness and pain" I won't stop waiting for him. Because I love him. Noah came back after coming off like he hated me. I need my little boy to knock down those fucking walls he set up and see into his heart. And realize he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Mine for eternity. I will always be his. I'm insane. And pathetic. And no one needs to tell me that. For the sake of love, I'm willing to accept these labels. And I'll fucking wait for him to see his own heart. And find that love he has for me. Because it is THERE. He needs to stop listening to his parents and START listening to his heart. I'll wait for eternity... I'm dead already if he doesn't show... my heart breaks more each day... I wish he'll see sooner rather than later... eternity... such a long time. I am so fuckn in love with Matthew George Duncan.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....